Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 3: Episode 7
Mary Kay Place’s Monologue
…..Mary Kay Place
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Mary Kay Place!
Mary Kay Place: Whoo! I’m not as young as I used to be with those C jumps. You know, a lot of things have happened to me this week in New York. It’s been kind of a crazy, wacky, madcap kind of week for me. Uh — a lot of new experiences, a lot of new feelings, and some of it I wanted to record and write down — kind of like keeping a diary again — and it’s something I really haven’t felt a need to do since Junior High School. And I guess adolescence and live television have a lot in common because they’re both potentially very embarrassing! THe last entry in my diary — before this week — was February, 1961. [ she holds up her diary ] Now, this is the actual diary that I kept in 8th Grade. Nightly notes on my daily doings.[ she pulls up a stool and sits ]
I will now read from the 8th Grade diary… if I can only find the place. Here we go: [ reading ] “Dear Diary: Made an extra-credit poster in English on commas. Guess what? Girls Leader Court gonna have a sock hop — Neat-o, eh? Naturally, I’d love to ask Rob, but he’ probably wouldn’t go with me! Oh, he’s so CUTE! I can’t believe they create ’em like that. Went shopping, and FINALLY got a circle pan and a new autograph hound.” Bless my little heart.[ she turns the page ]
“Dear Diary: Lost Comma poster. Will make new one on question marks and semicolons. But… the BIG news is this: I asked Gail if she would ask Bill if he would ask Rob if he would even consider going with me to the Leader Court sock hop. She did, and guess what? Bill said that Rob said that Bill said — or rather, that Gail said that Bill said that Rob said, “YES!” Found terrific new nail polish — Passionately Pink; great in store, but throw-uppy at home.”[ she turns the page ]
“Dear Diary: Tomorrow I am gonig to ask Rob — What a babe and a half! Oh, God, I can’t believe Mom won’t let me go see “Psycho”. What a spaz!”[ she turns the page ]
“Dear Diary: Babe and a half, my foot! Rob can’t go, and you know why? Get this: Bill says — He comes up to me, and he says, “Don’t ask Rob to the party, Mary Kay, because he won’t be able to go with you. He won’t go with you. God, I’m so embarrassed! I thought I was gonna DIE! I mean, I about had a COW! That really whacks me out, I think I’ll just die!”[ she closes the diary ]
Mary Kay Place: Well… there you have it. A pathetic little teen trauma from yesteryear. I guess none of us really knew, way back then when I was in 8th Grade — and especially YOU, Rob, if you’re watching at home tonight — that some day, that same little gal who you so brutally refused to escort to the sock hop… would one day be asked to host “Saturday Night Live”, and be paid a pretty penny for it, too, Rob! And another thing, Rob, uh — Danny Aykroyd has been kind of hitting on me all week, and, uh, not unsuccessfully!
We’ll be right back after this message.