SNL Transcripts: Miskel Spillman: 12/17/77: Elderly Girlfriend


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 3: Episode 8

77h: Miskel Spillman / Elvis Costello

Elderly Girlfriend

Mom…..Jane Curtin
Dad…..Dan Aykroyd
Jeff…..John Belushi
Sharon…..Miskel Spillman

[ open on Mom and Dad drinking egg nog in front of the Christmas tree ]

Mom: It’s going to be so nice having Jeffy home from college. Oh, and I’m dying to meet his girlfriend, aren’t you?

Dad: I know.. he’s never really been serious about a girl before. It’s funny, you know.. [ laughing ] I never really discussed the subject of sex with him ever – and now he’s like a married man!

Mom: Well, your son goes to college, leaves home, he’s bound to grow up.

Dad: Things sure changed since I was a kid!

Mom: [ hears sound from outside, smiles ] That’s Jeff’s Volkswagen van, I know it!

Dad: [ runs to the door ] I hope he’s still doing his own tune-up.

Jeff: [ bursts through door with suitcase ] Hi, Dad!

[ they hug ]

Dad: Welcome home!

Jeff: [ drops suitcase ] I’m just gonna leave my stuff here – I gotta go help Sharon with the rest of her stuff! I’m dying for you to meet her! [ runs back out ]

Dad: Come on in, it’s cold out there!

[ Jeff re-enters with elderly girlfriend, his parents don’t seem to mind or notice ]

Jeff: Sharon, this is my Mom and my Dad.

Sharon: Wow, I’ve heard so much about you!

Mom: Well, we’ve been dying to meet you, Sharon! Let me take your coat.

Sharon: Alright!

Dad: [ laughing ] I hope Jeff hasn’t made his old man sound like too much of an ogre!

Sharon: Oh, he really looks up to you.

Jeff: Look, I thought I’d take our stuff up to my room..

Mom: Well, I thought Sharon could stay in your room, and you could sleep on the fold-out couch.

Jeff: Aw, come on, Mom.. we’ll sleep together in my old room. I mean, we live together – why should it make any difference here at home?

Dad: Jeff, you’re in our house now, and as long as you’re under our roof you’ll abide by our rules.

Mom: If you two love each other and live together, why don’t you get married?

Jeff: Well, I wanted to.. but Sharon thought it would put too much pressure on our relationship.

Sharon: It’s not out of the question, but not just yet.

Jeff: Yeah..

Mom: [ to Dad ] Well, why don’t you and Jeff go upstairs to have a little talk? And that’ll give me and Sharon a chance to get acquainted.

Jeff: Okay.. I’m sorry my parents are like this, Sharon.

Sharon: Oh, that’s okay. My parents are like that, too.

Jeff: Yeah.

Dad: Come on, Jeff.. [ they retreat upstairs ]

Mom: Come on, Sharon. [ they sit on the couch ] Now.. I understand you’re an upperclassman at the university?

Sharon: That’s right.

Mom: And you’re majoring in Theatre?

Sharon: Yes, but I’m also going to teach.

Mom: Oh.. so you’ll have something to fall back on.

Sharon: Something to fall back on!

Mom: Exactly! Exactly! Now, I suppose you think that Jeff’s father and I are a little old-fashioned..

Sharon: Oh, that’s okay. I’m a bit old-fashioned myself.

Mom: Sharon, have you ever been in love before?

Sharon: Yes. Twice.

Mom: Well, you know.. as a mother speaking, I’m only looking out for Jeff. He’s a very sensitive boy, and I just don’t want him to get hurt.

Sharon: I understand.

Mom: Oh, Sharon, I think you and I are going to get along just fine!

[ the men return downstairs ]

Dad: Well, Jeffy and I came to a decision. [ sits ] I give in. You two lovebirds can stay upstairs. I’m just glad my own mother isn’t alive to see it.

Mom: [ standing ] Okay, everybody, dinner will be ready in about.. [ checks watch ] ..half-an-hour!

Jeff: Oh..

Sharon: Okay, Jeff, let’s go upstairs.

Jeff: Thirty minutes? Uh.. Mom, Dad, that’s okay?

Mom: Sure.

Jeff: Okay, let’s bolt!

[ Jeff and Sharon run upstairs, as the scene zooms out ] [ SUPER: “Will Santa Claus Visit San Clemente?” ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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