Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 3: Episode 8
Announcer: “How The Grinch Raped And Strangled Christmas” will not be seen tonight, so that NBC may present the following special program.[ open on John Belushi and Laraine Newman in the cast locker room ]
Laraine Newman: Well, I think it’s pretty exciting having an eighty-year-old grandmother host the show.
John Belushi: Yeah, but what if she forgets her lines?
Laraine Newman: Oh, don’t worry, she won’t. Let me tell you something – you should be as together when you’re eighty as Mrs. Spillman is.
John Belushi: Don’t worry. I’ll be dead by thirty.[ Buck Henry enters ]
Laraine Newman: Hi, Buck.
John Belushi: Hey, Buckaroo! How’s it going?
Buck Henry: Okay. Hey, have either of you seen Mrs. Spillman recently?
John Belushi: Yeah, I just left her dressing room about twenty minutes ago. Why?
Buck Henry: Well, I checked in on her, and she’s lying on her back looking at a bowl of fruit with her radio turned on full blast.
Laraine Newman: Well, she’s eighty-years-old – maybe she’s hard of hearing.
Buck Henry: No, that’s not it. She’s acting very strange.
John Belushi: Well, she was a little nervous when I saw her, so I just told her a few things to loosen her up. You know, that being nervous is natural, and how we’re all a little nervous, too.. and I found out she knows some people I met in New Orleans during Mardi Gras.. [ casually ] ..and then we smoked a joint and she calmed down.
Buck Henry: [ upset ] You smoked a joint with Mrs. Spillman?!
Laraine Newman: One of your joints?!
Buck Henry: Are you kidding!
John Belushi: Yeah, it works for me.. I figured she needed it. Come on.
Buck Henry: Does she know what it is?
John Belushi: I told her it was a French cigarette.
Laraine Newman: John! How could you?
Buck Henry: John, your joints overwhelm even as experienced drug user like myself.
Laraine Newman: What did you give her? The ones with the rhino tranquilizer?
John Belushi: No! Are you kidding? To an eighty-year-old grandmother? We smoked a joint of Wauhauken, and Maui Wowie, blended with a little hash oil.. It calmed her right down.
Buck Henry: Well, she’s in Hawaii right now, with her old friend Mr. Fruit Bowl. And I’ve got to go out there in a minute and introduce the winner of the Anyone Can Host Contest, America’s oldest living doper.
John Belushi: Less than a minute, Buck.. ’cause we’re live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!“