SNL Transcripts: Miskel Spillman: 12/17/77: Drunken Santa


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 3: Episode 8

77h: Miskel Spillman / Elvis Costello

Drunken Santa

Santa … Bill Murray
Girl … Gilda Radner

[A little girl sits on a department store Santa’s lap.Santa laughs.]

Girl: Mr. Santa?

Santa: Yes, my dear?

Girl: For Christmas, could I have a Busy BrendaMystery Action Vacuum Cleaner Doll?

Santa: Nope. Sorry.

Girl: Well, Mr. Santa, could I please have thebattery-operated Dog Family?

Santa: Noooo.

Girl: Well, could I please have a Flexy the PocketMonkey?

Santa: No, you may not have a Flexy the Pocket Monkey!

Girl: Mr. Santa, could I have a Ready Ranger FieldSet?

Santa: Nope, no Field Set. But, you know, I’ll tellya, there’s something I WILL give you. Santa’s TrapDoor! Ha! [Santa spreads his legs and the girl tumblesto the floor] Whoa! One of Santa’s oldest bits! And heloves it!

Girl: [climbs back into Santa’s lap] Mister–

Santa: You fell for it, stupid! What else don’t youwant?

Girl: Well–

Santa: Or want – want and just can’t have!

Girl: Mr. Santa, could I please have some Clay-Doh?

Santa: Oh ho, you want Clay-Doh?

Girl: Yeah.

Santa: Isn’t that adorable?

Girl: Yes! I just want, uh, some Clay-Doh so I cantake it and build my parents a summer house.

Santa: Enough Clay-Doh to build a summer house …

Girl: Yeah.

Santa: … for your parents?

Girl: Yeah.

Santa: Well, since that is an awful lot of Clay-Doh –and because you want it so much — I’ll just have tosay … NO! HA! I love it!

Girl: Mr. Santa, then, could I please have a set ofPez? They don’t cost very much and they’re very, verytiny, and sometimes they’re even free.

Santa: Well, that’s not a very big request forChristmas and since that’s all you want — YOU CAN’THAVE IT! OHHH! Santa’s really getting off on this! HA!Look, there is something–

Girl: Why not?

Santa: No, honey, there is something I do want to giveyou.

Girl: What’s that?

Santa: SANTA’S TRAP DOOR AGAIN!!! I LOVE IT! [Santaspreads his legs and the girl tumbles to the floor]OH! SANTA’S REALLY GETTING IT OFF! [takes a bottlefrom his pocket]

Girl: [climbs back into Santa’s lap] Mr. Santa! [offthe bottle] What’s this, Mr. Santa?

Santa: This is for the brothers that aren’t here.[takes a swig]

Girl: Is that for when you’re thirsty?

Santa: Yes, that’s right, you little brat. [pocketsthe bottle] Santa has to stay warm because he he hasto fly back to the North Pole every single day. Now,if you be a good girl, keep your trap shut and don’ttell mommy about Santa’s little bottle, I’ll bring youeverything you want. Now, here’s – here’s a candy canefor you, my dear. [gives the girl a candy cane]

Girl: Oh, thank you, Mr. Santa!

Santa: You’re welcome.

Girl: This is the nicest talk we ever had.

Santa: Ha ha! Is it?

Girl: Mr. Santa, look! There’s something on yourbeard! Right here! [puts a finger on his beard]

Santa: [looks down] Where?

Girl: [bops him in the nose] There!

Santa: Ahh!

[Girl jumps off Santa’s lap and runs away.]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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