Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 3: Episode 8
77h: Miskel Spillman / Elvis Costello
Drunken Santa
Santa … Bill Murray
Girl … Gilda Radner
Girl: Mr. Santa?
Santa: Yes, my dear?
Girl: For Christmas, could I have a Busy BrendaMystery Action Vacuum Cleaner Doll?
Santa: Nope. Sorry.
Girl: Well, Mr. Santa, could I please have thebattery-operated Dog Family?
Santa: Noooo.
Girl: Well, could I please have a Flexy the PocketMonkey?
Santa: No, you may not have a Flexy the Pocket Monkey!
Girl: Mr. Santa, could I have a Ready Ranger FieldSet?
Santa: Nope, no Field Set. But, you know, I’ll tellya, there’s something I WILL give you. Santa’s TrapDoor! Ha! [Santa spreads his legs and the girl tumblesto the floor] Whoa! One of Santa’s oldest bits! And heloves it!
Girl: [climbs back into Santa’s lap] Mister–
Santa: You fell for it, stupid! What else don’t youwant?
Girl: Well–
Santa: Or want – want and just can’t have!
Girl: Mr. Santa, could I please have some Clay-Doh?
Santa: Oh ho, you want Clay-Doh?
Girl: Yeah.
Santa: Isn’t that adorable?
Girl: Yes! I just want, uh, some Clay-Doh so I cantake it and build my parents a summer house.
Santa: Enough Clay-Doh to build a summer house …
Girl: Yeah.
Santa: … for your parents?
Girl: Yeah.
Santa: Well, since that is an awful lot of Clay-Doh –and because you want it so much — I’ll just have tosay … NO! HA! I love it!
Girl: Mr. Santa, then, could I please have a set ofPez? They don’t cost very much and they’re very, verytiny, and sometimes they’re even free.
Santa: Well, that’s not a very big request forChristmas and since that’s all you want — YOU CAN’THAVE IT! OHHH! Santa’s really getting off on this! HA!Look, there is something–
Girl: Why not?
Santa: No, honey, there is something I do want to giveyou.
Girl: What’s that?
Santa: SANTA’S TRAP DOOR AGAIN!!! I LOVE IT! [Santaspreads his legs and the girl tumbles to the floor]OH! SANTA’S REALLY GETTING IT OFF! [takes a bottlefrom his pocket]
Girl: [climbs back into Santa’s lap] Mr. Santa! [offthe bottle] What’s this, Mr. Santa?
Santa: This is for the brothers that aren’t here.[takes a swig]
Girl: Is that for when you’re thirsty?
Santa: Yes, that’s right, you little brat. [pocketsthe bottle] Santa has to stay warm because he he hasto fly back to the North Pole every single day. Now,if you be a good girl, keep your trap shut and don’ttell mommy about Santa’s little bottle, I’ll bring youeverything you want. Now, here’s – here’s a candy canefor you, my dear. [gives the girl a candy cane]
Girl: Oh, thank you, Mr. Santa!
Santa: You’re welcome.
Girl: This is the nicest talk we ever had.
Santa: Ha ha! Is it?
Girl: Mr. Santa, look! There’s something on yourbeard! Right here! [puts a finger on his beard]
Santa: [looks down] Where?
Girl: [bops him in the nose] There!
Santa: Ahh!
[Girl jumps off Santa’s lap and runs away.]Submitted Anonymously
