Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 3: Episode 9
The Mystery of Bigfoot
Park Ranger McConnell…..Steve Martin
[ open on couple sitting at the table in their cabin ]
Husband: [ reading the newspaper ] Boy, honey… All of this fuss around these parts about that Bigfoot sure is getting out of hand, isn’t it?
Wife: [ knitting ] Sure is! It’s getting so people around here are scared of their own shadow!
[ a knock at the door ]
Husband: Come on in! The door’s always open!
Wife: Come on in!
[ Park Ranger McConnell enters ]
Park Ranger McConnell: Why, that’s some blizzard out there! My snowmobile broke down about a mile back!
Wife: Why, look — it’s Park Ranger McConnell!
Husband: Well, Park Ranger McConnell — What made you leave the warmth of your ranger station to come out on a night like this?
Park Ranger McConnell: Well, we just got word from Park Warden Mitchell to evacuate this whole area! From Moose Creek… over to Otter Valley! You know — Bigfoot’s loose again, and we gotta solve this mystery! The Red Cross has set up some cots down at the gymnasium at Bunyon High School! They’ve instructed ME and all the other rangers to get everybody out of here, from all of Moose Creek to clear down to Otter Valley! You know — each one of these guns is loaded with one of these tranquilizer darts! In case we ee Bigfoot, we can STUN him and CATCH him before someone gets hurt!
Wife: Well — Do you really think there’s any truth to these stories about Bigfoot, Ranger McConnell?
Park Ranger McConnell: Well… For one thing, during the last six months there’s been sightings of… GIANT Bigfoot tracks, why all the way from Moose Creek, oh, way out to Otter Valley. Why, there’s HUNDREDS of Bigfoot tracks all the way around this cabin! Perhaps you’ve had soem close brushes with this elusive creature that might bring me a step closer to bringing Bigfoot to captivity!
Husband: Oh, as you know now, Park Ranger McConnell, we’ve been living here six months now, and we’ve been all over these parts — you know, from Moose Creek all the way to Otter Valley… and we ain’t never seen no Bigfoot! [ he raises his leg and prope his massively oversized foot on the table.
Wife: Yeah. Sorry, Ranger McConnell, we can’t be of no help. But you know somthing? Why don’t you sit down and I’ll make you a nice cup of coffee? [ she stands, revealing her own large feet ] Have s seat!
Park Ranger McConnell: Alright… [ he takes her seat ] Boy, that’s a nice wooden stove you got there.
Wife: Ohhhhhhh, Santa brought it to me! I woke up Christmas moening and found it in my stocking!
Park Ranger McConnell: [ he stares, confused ] Boy, you know — This is really a mystery! You SURE you’ve never seen a creature around here that would leave a footprint about… oh… [ he spreads his hands around her boot ] this big?
Husband: No… no, no, no, no… Most creatures around here, you know — an otter, a wof, a deer, a fox — they all have pretty small feet. [ he puts on a fur bear coat ]
Wife: Well, Ranger McConnell — What does this here Bigfoot thing look like?
Park Ranger McConnell: Well… The only sightings of Bigfoot himself have been made from long distances in blizzards. But they all agree… that the creature always walks UPRIGHT like a man, with a THICK FUR covering his body.
Husband: [ he places the furry hat over his head ] No… never seen nothing like that. Well, I gotta go cut some more wood.
Wife: Alright, honey. You be careful now.
Wife: Watch out for that blizzard. Want me to get the door?
Husband: [ struggling ] I’ll get the door here…
Wife: Get that door!
[ he pulls the door open, as the snow blows in ]
Wife: Whoa! Watch out for that! [ she helps close the door ] Ranger McConnell. Since your snowmobile broke — I mean, why don’t you spend the night here with us. I mean, we got an extra mattress, and you can use one of my SOCKS as a sleeping bag.
Park Ranger McConnell: No, I’m sorry, I — I can’t rest until I solve the mystery of Bigfoot.
Wife: Well… Good luck!
Park Ranger McConnell: Well, thank you. And say goodbye to your husband for me.
Park Ranger McConnell: [ glancing out the window ] HEY!! THERE HE IS!! IT’S BIGFOOT!! He’s around the wood pile! [ he busts through the window with his shotgun, then fires ] Wait a minute… That was your husband!!
Wife: Oh, no! It must have been the long distance and the blizzard.
Park Ranger McConnell: Yes. The wilderness likes to play funny tricks on a man.
[ Husband re-enters the cabin, an arrow piercing his fur coat ]
Husband: You know… Now that you mention it, I did notice a lot of big footprints going to and from the wood pile. You know? [ he breathes heavily ] Boy, I’m really tired! I think I’m gonna take a little nap.
Park Ranger McConnell: You know… just a minute ago I looked out, and I thought you were Bigfoot!
Husband: [ he laughs ] You must have been FOOLED by the long distance and the blizzard.
Park Ranger McConnell: Yeah… I guess I was. You know, it gives me the CREEPS to think that Bigfoot creature is out there somewhere. Why… he could be anywhere. He could be around this cabin right now!
Husband: Well… he could be! He could be there!
[ Husband and Wife lea back and prop their giant feet up on the table ]
Park Ranger McConnell: I’ll tell you something: I guess we’ll never solve this mystery of… Bigfoot.
[ zoom out on set, with SUPER: “coming up next… Can Nielsen Families Intermarry?” ]
[ fade ]