Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 3: Episode 9
Steve Martin’s Monologue
Steve Martin: He-ey![ singing ] “I’ve got music.. I’ve got rhy-hythmmm!”
Okay, welcome to “Saturday Night”, with the Not Ready For Prime Time Players, and, uh.. The Dirt Band. There was a big snowstorm in New York yesterday – we did not get ot rehearse at all, so.. that’s never stopped us before! And, uh, I’m excited – we have Randy Newman on the show.. I met Randy Newman, and, you know he’s only about this big? [ holds his finger and thumb an inch apart ]
Anyway, um.. it’s great to- [ reaches into his left pants pocket ] Hey! Wait a minute! I had $50 in here! And it’s gone! Wait a minute.. I had- this is my New York money, and it’s- I had it back in the dressing room.. John Belushi was back there.. I went back to the- [ a look of shock ] John Belushi stole my $50! I had it right here! This is my mnoey for- I can’t believe this! That he would actually steal $50! Where is he! This bothers me! I’m sorry, this- [ John Belushi stesp on stage ] You! You.. you.. you stole my $50! No, this kind of bugs me! You were in my dressing room, I went to make-up, these pants were in there, and this was where my $50 was – so you stole it, I’m sorry! Now, get out of here! Go on! [ Belushi exits ] No, I’m sorry, that just bothers me! No, I mean that bothers me! I mean, I know I had the $50 in here, because I never put my money in this pock- [ reaches into right pants pocket, stops cold ] Okay.
I’m sorry.. I’m just in a bad mood tonight. It’s this whole publicity thing. You know, my life has changed so much, so fast, with this.. I mean, what happened to private lives? Don’t I get to have a private life any more? I mean, the things they’re writing about me now, I just- I read a thing in the National Enquirer this morning.. that I could not believe. I mean, so what if I have this thing on my wienie? [ tsks ] [ picks up glass of water to drink, accidentally spilling some on the microphone ]
Oh! Oh no, I spilled water, oh boy! Okay, you know- [ grabs microphone, receiving a huge electric shock; he lets go, catches his breath, then touches the microphone again for another shock ]
You.. can be a millionaire.. and never pay taxes! You can be a millionaire.. and never pay taxes! You say.. “Steve.. how can I be a millionaire.. and never pay taxes?” First.. get a million dollars. Now.. you say, “Steve.. what do I say to the tax man when he comes to my door and says, ‘You.. have never paid taxes’?” Two simple words. Two simple words in the English language: “I forgot!” How many times do we let ourselves get into terrible situations because we don’t say “I forgot”? Let’s say you’re on trial for armed robbery. You say to the judge, “I forgot armed robbery was illegal.” Let’s suppose he says back to you, “You have committed a foul crime. you have stolen hundreds and thousands of dollars from people at random, and you say, ‘I forgot’?” Two simple words: Excuuuuuse me!!“
We’ll be right back, after these words!