Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 3: Episode 11
Frogs Look at Film
Close Personal Friend of Francois Truffaut…..Laraine Newman
Chester P. Butterworth…..Dan Aykroyd
Veronica Butterworth…..Jane Curtin
Clyde Hyman……….Garrett Morris
Steven Clavin…..Mitchell Laurance
Irwin Flayman…..Bill Murray
Close Personal Friend of Francois Truffaut: Good evening. I am a close personal friend of Francois Truffaut. [ the description appears on-screen before her ] And welcome to… “Frogs Look at Film”. Hello. Jean-Paul Sartre has called him: “Video Sacre”. Jean Benoit has called him: “La Monsieur Magnifique”. But, to the millions of French men who adore him, he’s known simply as: “Le Moron Stupid”. I am speaking, of course, of Jerry Lewis. Without question, the MIGHTIEST cinematic genius of the 20th Century. It is a great honor to present the classic film… “Les Chef de Dispatch des Rapport Zuzu” — or, as it was released in America: “The Nutty Air Traffic Controller”. I think you’ll agree… this is the creme de la Lewis! Enjoy![ dissolve to air traffic control center, with TITLE graphic ] [ at the rear of the room, Chester P. Butterworth enters with his daughter Veronica ]
Chester P. Butterworth: Now, you’re quite sure about this, Kitten?
Veronica Butterworth: Oh, YES, Daddy! Melvin just needs a chance to prove himself!
Chester P. Butterworth: Well… very well, then. [ calling out ] MEL-VIN! Would you step in here, please?[ Melvin, dressed in sailor suit, comes crashing through the door tripping over a broom handle ]
Chester P. Butterworth: Melvin… you have had THREE jobs here at Butterworth International Airport: Door Boy, Errand Boy, and Bell Boy. And they’ve all been… [ in Melvin’s face ] DISASTERS!!
Melvin: [ cowering back ] Aiiggghh!! Don’t just — don’t just — don’t hit a person!
Chester P. Butterworth: But because my little Princess has faith in you, I’m going to give you ONE last chance —
Melvin: Oh! Thank you, Mr. Blisterwart!
Chester P. Butterworth: — as an air traffic controller!
Melvin: Ohhhh!! Thank you, Mr. Butterblimp!
Chester P. Butterworth: The name is BUTTERWORTH!! Chester P. Butterworth!
Chester P. Butterworth: NO! Melvin, you’ll be working closely with these three gentlemen: Clyde Hyman, Stevin Clavin, and Irwin Flayman.
Melvin: [ enthusiastically ] Hi, Mr. Hy– uh, Hyman, Mr. Clavin, Mr. Flayman!
Chester P. Butterworth: Mr. Clavin, please give Melvin your headset, and Mr. Flayman, if you would explain Melvin’s duties to him, please?
Chester P. Butterworth: And, Melvin, in the future, would you kindly wear… REAL CLOTHES?!!
Melvin: [ cowering back ] Aiigghhh!! Okay, Mr. — Thank you, Mr. Blisterwart… Mr. Butterblimp —
Chester P. Butterworth: THAT’S BUTTERWORRRRRRRTH!!!
Melvin: BUTTERBLIMP!![ Mr. Butterworth exits the control center ]
Veronica Butterworth: Oh, don’t mind Daddy, Melvin! He’s just so particular about his airport! I know in time he’ll love you JUST as much as I do! [ she hugs Melvin ]
Melvin: [ singing ] “La la laaaaaaaa!! La la laaaaaaa!! La la” — You’re a nice lady!
Veronica Butterworth: Good luck, Melvin![ Veronica kisses Melvin on the forehead, then exits ]
Mr. Flayman: Okay, Melvin. Take a look at your screen here, and I’ll brief you on the traffic pattern in your sector.[ Melvin clumsily places the headphones around his head ]
Mr. Flayman: Okay, it’s getting pretty busy out there, uh — braking conditions are fair to poor, zero roll-out, and zero visibility. Now, as you can see here… [ reveal radar screen with two incoming colored dots ] you’ve got two Jumbo jets holding to come in here…
Mr. Flayman: That is a TransEastern 601 at 10 o’clock, and a Pan-Asian at 11 o’clock, okay? I think you’ll pick this up pretty quickly.
Melvin: Oh, sure.
Mr. Flayman: But, uh, whatever you do, don’t send them to the same runway, okay?
Melvin: Oh, np, no! [ he laughs like a little kid ]
Pan-Asian V/O: Butterworth Center. This is Pan-Asian 28 heavy. Starting descent now at 6,000. Still with you. Over.
Melvin: Uh — uh — come in, Pan-Asian 28! Hi! Uh, this is MELVIN!
Pan-Asian V/O: Melvin?
Melvin: Uh — yeah! I-I-I mean, Roger! I mean, MELVIN! And then Mr. Flayman and, and Mr. Clayman, and Mr… Mr… Glayman, too!
TransEastern V/O: TransEastern 6-0-1 heavy, with you. We’re heading towards our marker at 2,000. Request permission to land on Runway 22, left. Over.
Melvin: Uh — wait, wait a minute! Wait a minute, Mr. TransEastern! I’m talking to — I’m talking to Pan-Asian!
Pan-Asian V/O: Pan-Asian 28, with you at 2,000. We’re looking for that TransEastern 6-0-1. Estimate close proximity, still no contact. Request permission to land, Runway 22, left!
Melvin: Stop hollaring! Uh — uh — TransAmerican! Uh, Mr. Flayman?
TransEastern V/O: TransEastern 6-0-1. Heading 2-6-0 at 2,000 to Runway 22, left. Please advise! Where are you, Butterworth?!
Melvin: Oh, Mr., uh — Mr. Clayman! No! No!
Pan-Asian V/O: Come in Butterworth!! Just spotted TransEastern 6-0-1!! Come in, Butterworth!![ on the radar screen, the incoming dots overlap and the screen flashes red ]
Melvin: No, no! Oh, they went — Mr. Clayman! Uh — the two, they went together! It’s not good! They went to the same — there was yelling, and — ohhhh… [ distraught ] They were there, but it went — am I gonna get yelled at! A new plane. Mr. —[ Mr. Butterworth re-enters ]
Chester P. Butterworth: Alright! Who was responsible for those two 747s crashing into each other?
Mr. Flayman: It was Melvin, sir.[ Mr. Butterworth folds his arms, as Melvin jumps to his feet ]
Melvin: You can look at me! You can touch me! But donnnn’t hit meeeee! I’m sorry! I did bad! I’ll leave. [ he heads for the door ] I guess I’m not such a smart person. I didnt mean to. I’ll go now. Tell Vernonica… I love her.
Chester P. Butterworth: [ grabbing Melvin ] Not so fast, young man! Come back here!
Melvin: Aiiggh, Mr. Butterworth!
Chester P. Butterworth: Melvin, I would like to shake your hand! I’m PROUD of you, son!
Melvin: What?! You mean, you’re not mad the two planes went BOOM, together, the same!
Chester P. Butterworth: It was a GOOD thing, Melvin! Those Jumbo jets were filled with bad Russian, Chinese, and Japaense SPIES!
Melvin: You mean, there were bad persons on there?!
Chester P. Butterworth: YES, Melvin![ Veronica runs into the control room ]
Veronica Butterworth: Oh, Melvin! I just heard what you did! I’m so PROUD of you, darling![ Mr. Butterworth re-enters ]
Chester P. Butterworth: You know, Melvin, I’ll admit I didn’t like you at first. I don’t know, maybe it was your pants. But I’ve been thinking of retiring and, well, Melvin, I’d like you to take over Butterworth International Airport for me!
Melvin: Ohhhhh! You’re a real — thank you, Mr. Blubberwart! You’re a real nice person!
Chester P. Butterworth: Now, Melvin, the airport is in YOUR hands! And your FIRST job is to… [ he hands Melvin the broom ] GET OUT THERE AND CLEAN UP THAT MEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSS!!!!
Melvin: [ cowering back ] Aiigghh![ SUPER: “THE END” ]