Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 3: Episode 11
Frogs Look at Film
Close Personal Friend of Francois Truffaut…..Laraine Newman
Chester P. Butterworth…..Dan Aykroyd
Veronica Butterworth…..Jane Curtin
Clyde Hyman……….Garrett Morris
Steven Clavin…..Mitchell Laurance
Irwin Flayman…..Bill Murray
[ open on title card ]
[ dissolve to Close Personal Friend of Francois Truffaut seated in leather chair with a glass of wine in her hand ]
Close Personal Friend of Francois Truffaut: Good evening. I am a close personal friend of Francois Truffaut. [ the description appears on-screen before her ] And welcome to… “Frogs Look at Film”. Hello. Jean-Paul Sartre has called him: “Video Sacre”. Jean Benoit has called him: “La Monsieur Magnifique”. But, to the millions of French men who adore him, he’s known simply as: “Le Moron Stupid”. I am speaking, of course, of Jerry Lewis. Without question, the MIGHTIEST cinematic genius of the 20th Century. It is a great honor to present the classic film… “Les Chef de Dispatch des Rapport Zuzu” — or, as it was released in America: “The Nutty Air Traffic Controller”. I think you’ll agree… this is the creme de la Lewis! Enjoy!
[ dissolve to air traffic control center, with TITLE graphic ]
[ at the rear of the room, Chester P. Butterworth enters with his daughter Veronica ]
Chester P. Butterworth: Now, you’re quite sure about this, Kitten?
Veronica Butterworth: Oh, YES, Daddy! Melvin just needs a chance to prove himself!
Chester P. Butterworth: Well… very well, then. [ calling out ] MEL-VIN! Would you step in here, please?
[ Melvin, dressed in sailor suit, comes crashing through the door tripping over a broom handle ]
Chester P. Butterworth: Melvin… you have had THREE jobs here at Butterworth International Airport: Door Boy, Errand Boy, and Bell Boy. And they’ve all been… [ in Melvin’s face ] DISASTERS!!
Melvin: [ cowering back ] Aiiggghh!! Don’t just — don’t just — don’t hit a person!
Chester P. Butterworth: But because my little Princess has faith in you, I’m going to give you ONE last chance —
Melvin: Oh! Thank you, Mr. Blisterwart!
Chester P. Butterworth: — as an air traffic controller!
Melvin: Ohhhh!! Thank you, Mr. Butterblimp!
Chester P. Butterworth: The name is BUTTERWORTH!! Chester P. Butterworth!
Chester P. Butterworth: NO! Melvin, you’ll be working closely with these three gentlemen: Clyde Hyman, Stevin Clavin, and Irwin Flayman.
Melvin: [ enthusiastically ] Hi, Mr. Hy– uh, Hyman, Mr. Clavin, Mr. Flayman!
Chester P. Butterworth: Mr. Clavin, please give Melvin your headset, and Mr. Flayman, if you would explain Melvin’s duties to him, please?
[ Mr. Clavin hands Melcin his headset ]
Chester P. Butterworth: And, Melvin, in the future, would you kindly wear… REAL CLOTHES?!!
Melvin: [ cowering back ] Aiigghhh!! Okay, Mr. — Thank you, Mr. Blisterwart… Mr. Butterblimp —
Chester P. Butterworth: THAT’S BUTTERWORRRRRRRTH!!!
[ Mr. Butterworth exits the control center ]
Veronica Butterworth: Oh, don’t mind Daddy, Melvin! He’s just so particular about his airport! I know in time he’ll love you JUST as much as I do! [ she hugs Melvin ]
Melvin: [ singing ] “La la laaaaaaaa!! La la laaaaaaa!! La la” — You’re a nice lady!
Veronica Butterworth: Good luck, Melvin!
[ Veronica kisses Melvin on the forehead, then exits ]
Mr. Flayman: Okay, Melvin. Take a look at your screen here, and I’ll brief you on the traffic pattern in your sector.
[ Melvin clumsily places the headphones around his head ]
Mr. Flayman: Okay, it’s getting pretty busy out there, uh — braking conditions are fair to poor, zero roll-out, and zero visibility. Now, as you can see here… [ reveal radar screen with two incoming colored dots ] you’ve got two Jumbo jets holding to come in here…
Mr. Flayman: That is a TransEastern 601 at 10 o’clock, and a Pan-Asian at 11 o’clock, okay? I think you’ll pick this up pretty quickly.
Melvin: Oh, sure.
Mr. Flayman: But, uh, whatever you do, don’t send them to the same runway, okay?
Melvin: Oh, np, no! [ he laughs like a little kid ]
Pan-Asian V/O: Butterworth Center. This is Pan-Asian 28 heavy. Starting descent now at 6,000. Still with you. Over.
Melvin: Uh — uh — come in, Pan-Asian 28! Hi! Uh, this is MELVIN!
Pan-Asian V/O: Melvin?
Melvin: Uh — yeah! I-I-I mean, Roger! I mean, MELVIN! And then Mr. Flayman and, and Mr. Clayman, and Mr… Mr… Glayman, too!
TransEastern V/O: TransEastern 6-0-1 heavy, with you. We’re heading towards our marker at 2,000. Request permission to land on Runway 22, left. Over.
Melvin: Uh — wait, wait a minute! Wait a minute, Mr. TransEastern! I’m talking to — I’m talking to Pan-Asian!
Pan-Asian V/O: Pan-Asian 28, with you at 2,000. We’re looking for that TransEastern 6-0-1. Estimate close proximity, still no contact. Request permission to land, Runway 22, left!
Melvin: Stop hollaring! Uh — uh — TransAmerican! Uh, Mr. Flayman?
TransEastern V/O: TransEastern 6-0-1. Heading 2-6-0 at 2,000 to Runway 22, left. Please advise! Where are you, Butterworth?!
Melvin: Oh, Mr., uh — Mr. Clayman! No! No!
Pan-Asian V/O: Come in Butterworth!! Just spotted TransEastern 6-0-1!! Come in, Butterworth!!
[ on the radar screen, the incoming dots overlap and the screen flashes red ]
Melvin: No, no! Oh, they went — Mr. Clayman! Uh — the two, they went together! It’s not good! They went to the same — there was yelling, and — ohhhh… [ distraught ] They were there, but it went — am I gonna get yelled at! A new plane. Mr. —
[ Mr. Butterworth re-enters ]
Chester P. Butterworth: Alright! Who was responsible for those two 747s crashing into each other?
Mr. Flayman: It was Melvin, sir.
[ Mr. Butterworth folds his arms, as Melvin jumps to his feet ]
Melvin: You can look at me! You can touch me! But donnnn’t hit meeeee! I’m sorry! I did bad! I’ll leave. [ he heads for the door ] I guess I’m not such a smart person. I didnt mean to. I’ll go now. Tell Vernonica… I love her.
Chester P. Butterworth: [ grabbing Melvin ] Not so fast, young man! Come back here!
Melvin: Aiiggh, Mr. Butterworth!
Chester P. Butterworth: Melvin, I would like to shake your hand! I’m PROUD of you, son!
Melvin: What?! You mean, you’re not mad the two planes went BOOM, together, the same!
Chester P. Butterworth: It was a GOOD thing, Melvin! Those Jumbo jets were filled with bad Russian, Chinese, and Japaense SPIES!
Melvin: You mean, there were bad persons on there?!
Chester P. Butterworth: YES, Melvin!
[ Veronica runs into the control room ]
Veronica Butterworth: Oh, Melvin! I just heard what you did! I’m so PROUD of you, darling!
[ Mr. Butterworth re-enters ]
Chester P. Butterworth: You know, Melvin, I’ll admit I didn’t like you at first. I don’t know, maybe it was your pants. But I’ve been thinking of retiring and, well, Melvin, I’d like you to take over Butterworth International Airport for me!
Melvin: Ohhhhh! You’re a real — thank you, Mr. Blubberwart! You’re a real nice person!
Chester P. Butterworth: Now, Melvin, the airport is in YOUR hands! And your FIRST job is to… [ he hands Melvin the broom ] GET OUT THERE AND CLEAN UP THAT MEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSS!!!!
Melvin: [ cowering back ] Aiigghh!
[ SUPER: “THE END” ]