Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 3: Episode 11
Giant Lobsters Update
[ open on Robert Klein standing at Home Base ]
Robert Klein: You know, one of the joys of hosting this show is the opportunity to work with a wonderful performer like Bonnie Raitt. Bonnie and I first —[ suddenly, Jane Curtin runs onto Home Base ]
Jane Curtin: Robert! I’m sorry to interrupt you! Please excuse me, but I’ve just been handed a “Weekend Update” bulletin. It seems those giant lobsters as large as helicopters, that were created by the Russian satellite, are moving down the Eastern seaboard towards New York City. [ reading bulletin: ] “Despite efforts by the National Guard, Boston and Providence have fallen before the huge crustaceans. All conventional weapons have proven useless against them. Minutes ago, President Carter declared a state of national emergency, and assured the American people that there was no cause for…” [ she stops ]
Robert Klein: What, is that all there is?
Jane Curtin: The Teletype machine went dead after that.
Robert Klein: Well… if you’re an Orthodox Jew and live here in New York, I wouldn’t worry. Because… lobsters don’t eat Orthodox Jews, either!