Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 3: Episode 11
Lobsters Take New York / Goodnights
Written by: Michael O’Donoghue
… Robert Klein
Lone Soldier … Bill Murray
Announcer … Don Pardo
Man #1 … Tom Davis
Man #2 … Michael O’Donoghue
Robert Klein: Well, it’s still going on even worsethan before. All around me, the dead! The dying! Oh,the humanity! Our army wiped out![Behind Klein, a lone soldier walks through thedebris, shouting incomprehensibly into a bullhorn,saying things like “Evacuate the building!” Thesoldier fires off a few rounds from a .45 pistol.Klein covers his head with his hand as debris rainsdown from above.]
Robert Klein: This may well be mankind’s finalbroadcast. Even as I speak– Good Lord! [A giantlobster claw enters the frame. The soldier retreatsfrom view.] One of the gigantic lobsters hasdemolished our last camera with a single swipe of itshorrible claw! Now it’s moving toward me! It’s fifteenfeet away. Ten! [More gunshots. The claw fills thescreen.] I can see the long, quivering antennae! Theslimy legs! [The hand-held camera slowly sinks to thedebris-filled floor and tilts over.] Its snout andclaws, glistening with human bloo–[Klein’s voice is cut off in mid-sentence. The screenfills with static but we still hear the eerie soundsof the lobsters until the program’s end. After apause, we also hear the voice of announcer Don Pardo:]
Announcer: Robert Klein! Robert Klein! Do you read me?Well, good-bye, America. Until we meet again, this isDon Pardo saying AAAAAAIIIIIIIGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH![Over the static and lobster roars, we now hear thedisembodied voices of two men:]
Man #1: My God! Pardo’s been eaten by the beast. Isthere no stopping these atomic lobsters?
Man #2: Listen, I have a plan. It sounds crazy but itjust might work. I’ll need boiling water.
Man #1: Boiling water? How much? A couple gallons?
Man #2: No! Millions of gallons! Enough to fill – fillCentral Park Pond. And I’ll need a truckload ofbutter. Make – make that drawn butter.
Man #1: [writes it down] One truckload, drawn butter.Check.
Man #2: And baked potatoes the size of boxcars. Andlobster bibs.
Man #1: Lobster bibs? [The final credits begin toroll.] You mean ordinary lobster bibs?
Man #2: No! Huge lobster bibs, fifteen by twenty feetat least. And nutcrackers!
Man #1: Nut–? You mean regular nutcrackers?
Man #2: No! Not at all. Enormous nutcrackers, at leastten feet long. And lemons the size of golf carts!
Man #1: Check, check. How ’bout some sour cream forthose potatoes?
Man #2: Good point! I’ll need, say, about a moving vanof sour cream. For dessert, a chocolate mousse as bigas a house.
Man #1: Chocolate mousse? Naw, it’s too rich. Much toorich.
Man #2: Well, how ’bout a swimming pool full ofJell-O?
Man #1: Uh, what flavor? I–
Man #2: Any flavor you want. How ’bout, uh, lime withcarrot scrapings?
Man #1: Well, I just had lime, uh, with carrotscrapings for lunch. I suppose I could have somethingelse — it’s an emergency — but, uh…
Man #2: Well, what about raspberry?
Man #1: Well, I’m – I’m allergic to raspberry. How’bout a – how ’bout a pool full of fruit cup?
Man #2: In – Instead of Jell-O?
Man #1: Yeah, yeah.
Man #2: Well, isn’t fruit cup more an appetizer, liketomato juice?
Man #1: No, not necessarily. You can have fruit cupfor dessert.
Man #2: Well, I don’t know. Listen, how would you feelabout a rum raisin cake the size of a tennis court?
Man #1: Well, what kind of icing? [Among the credits:lobster roars by CHEVY CHASE, lobster animationsequence by WILLIAM DePALO and WILLIAM BILOWIT]
Man #2: Any kind, I suppose. Orange marmalade would benice.
Man #1: Well, how ’bout coconut icing? I think that–
Man #2: Wait, you know, coconut really doesn’t go withrum raisin. If you wanted coconut icing, I could havea sponge cake the size of a roller rink…