Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 3: Episode 11
Lobsters Take New York / Goodnights
Written by: Michael O’Donoghue
… Robert Klein
Lone Soldier … Bill Murray
Announcer … Don Pardo
Man #1 … Tom Davis
Man #2 … Michael O’Donoghue
[We return from the commercial break to discover, atopa crane, a dead cameraman slumped in his chair, hiscamera pointing uselessly at the floor. The studio isfilled smoke and the unearthly sounds of gigantic butunseen atomic lobsters — roaring, screeching,squealing, buzzing, honking. We pan across themotionless studio audience — they are all dead,sprawled in chairs and on the floor. We pan over tohome base, which is in ruins, dead bodies everywhere.A terrified Robert Klein, microphone in hand,describes the destruction to the hand-held camera.]
Robert Klein: Well, it’s still going on even worsethan before. All around me, the dead! The dying! Oh,the humanity! Our army wiped out!
[Behind Klein, a lone soldier walks through thedebris, shouting incomprehensibly into a bullhorn,saying things like “Evacuate the building!” Thesoldier fires off a few rounds from a .45 pistol.Klein covers his head with his hand as debris rainsdown from above.]
Robert Klein: This may well be mankind’s finalbroadcast. Even as I speak– Good Lord! [A giantlobster claw enters the frame. The soldier retreatsfrom view.] One of the gigantic lobsters hasdemolished our last camera with a single swipe of itshorrible claw! Now it’s moving toward me! It’s fifteenfeet away. Ten! [More gunshots. The claw fills thescreen.] I can see the long, quivering antennae! Theslimy legs! [The hand-held camera slowly sinks to thedebris-filled floor and tilts over.] Its snout andclaws, glistening with human bloo–
[Klein’s voice is cut off in mid-sentence. The screenfills with static but we still hear the eerie soundsof the lobsters until the program’s end. After apause, we also hear the voice of announcer Don Pardo:]
Announcer: Robert Klein! Robert Klein! Do you read me?Well, good-bye, America. Until we meet again, this isDon Pardo saying AAAAAAIIIIIIIGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!
[Over the static and lobster roars, we now hear thedisembodied voices of two men:]
Man #1: My God! Pardo’s been eaten by the beast. Isthere no stopping these atomic lobsters?
Man #2: Listen, I have a plan. It sounds crazy but itjust might work. I’ll need boiling water.
Man #1: Boiling water? How much? A couple gallons?
Man #2: No! Millions of gallons! Enough to fill – fillCentral Park Pond. And I’ll need a truckload ofbutter. Make – make that drawn butter.
Man #1: [writes it down] One truckload, drawn butter.Check.
Man #2: And baked potatoes the size of boxcars. Andlobster bibs.
Man #1: Lobster bibs? [The final credits begin toroll.] You mean ordinary lobster bibs?
Man #2: No! Huge lobster bibs, fifteen by twenty feetat least. And nutcrackers!
Man #1: Nut–? You mean regular nutcrackers?
Man #2: No! Not at all. Enormous nutcrackers, at leastten feet long. And lemons the size of golf carts!
Man #1: Check, check. How ’bout some sour cream forthose potatoes?
Man #2: Good point! I’ll need, say, about a moving vanof sour cream. For dessert, a chocolate mousse as bigas a house.
Man #1: Chocolate mousse? Naw, it’s too rich. Much toorich.
Man #2: Well, how ’bout a swimming pool full ofJell-O?
Man #1: Uh, what flavor? I–
Man #2: Any flavor you want. How ’bout, uh, lime withcarrot scrapings?
Man #1: Well, I just had lime, uh, with carrotscrapings for lunch. I suppose I could have somethingelse — it’s an emergency — but, uh…
Man #2: Well, what about raspberry?
Man #1: Well, I’m – I’m allergic to raspberry. How’bout a – how ’bout a pool full of fruit cup?
Man #2: In – Instead of Jell-O?
Man #1: Yeah, yeah.
Man #2: Well, isn’t fruit cup more an appetizer, liketomato juice?
Man #1: No, not necessarily. You can have fruit cupfor dessert.
Man #2: Well, I don’t know. Listen, how would you feelabout a rum raisin cake the size of a tennis court?
Man #1: Well, what kind of icing? [Among the credits:lobster roars by CHEVY CHASE, lobster animationsequence by WILLIAM DePALO and WILLIAM BILOWIT]
Man #2: Any kind, I suppose. Orange marmalade would benice.
Man #1: Well, how ’bout coconut icing? I think that–
Man #2: Wait, you know, coconut really doesn’t go withrum raisin. If you wanted coconut icing, I could havea sponge cake the size of a roller rink…