Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 3: Episode 11
77k: Robert Klein / Bonnie Raitt
Olympia Cafe
Female Customer…..Jane Curtin
Male Customer…..Garrett Morris
Pete Dionasopolis…..John Belushi
George Dionasopolis…..Dan Aykroyd
Sandy Dionasopolis…..Laraine Newman
Nico Dionasopolis…..Bill Murray
Female Customer #2…..Gilda Radner
Male Customer #2…..Robert Klein
Female Customer: I’ll have a tuna salad sandwich, and an order of French fries, please.
Pete Dionasopolis: No. No tuna.
Female Customer: You’re out of tuna?
Pete Dionasopolis: No tuna. Cheeseburger? Come on, come on, come on! I don’t have all day, we gotta have turnover, turnover. [ turns to Male Customer ] What are you gonna have?
Male Customer: Uh.. I think I’ll have grilled cheese and a Coke.
Pete Dionasopolis: Uh.. [ turns to kitchen ] Grilled cheese?
George Dionasopolis: No grilled cheese.
Male Customer: No grilled cheese.
Male Customer: Uh.. cheeseburger and a Coke.
Pete Dionasopolis: Uh, no Coke – Pepsi.
Male Customer: Okay, uh.. Pepsi, and french fries.
Pete Dionasopolis: No fries – chips.
Male Customer: Okay, chips.
Pete Dionasopolis: [ to kitchen ] One cheeseburger, one Pepsi,one chip!
George Dionasopolis: Cheeseburger!
Nico Dionasopolis: Pepsi! Chip! [ throws them onto the counter ]
Pete Dionasopolis: [ to Female Customer ] What do you want?
Female Customer: I’ll have a cheeseburger and a small Coke.
Pete Dionasopolis: Uh.. no Coke – Pepsi.
Female Customer: Pepsi.
Pete Dionasopolis: [ to kitchen ] One cheeseburger, one Pepsi!
George Dionasopolis: Cheeseburger!
Sandy Dionasopolis: [ approaches counter with order ] Cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger, four Pepsi, chip.
George Dionasopolis: Cheeseburger! Cheeseburger! Cheeseburger!
Female Customer #2: [ sits down at counter ] Hi ya, Pete. I’ll have the usual.
Pete Dionasopolis: [ to kitchen ] Cheeseburger!
George Dionasopolis: Cheeseburger!
Female Customer #2: Hey, I get mixed up. Is he your brother? [ points to Nico ]
Pete Dionasopolis: Him? No. My brother, Mike, he’s in the back. George, he’s my first cousin, but I treat him like a brother. Sandy, she’s my second cousin, but I treat her like a first cousin. Him.. [ points to Nico ] ..he’s my third cousin, but I treat him like a fourth cousin, because he’s vlahos. You know what that means? Stupid. [ phone rings, so Pete picks it up ] Hello, Olympia Restaurant. That to go? Cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger.. No, no fries – chips. Four chips? Pepsi? No Coke. No orange. No grape. Pepsi. Four Pepsi! Okay, ten minutes.
Male Customer #2: [ sitting down, spots Nico and makes his order ] I’ll have a couple of eggs, and sausage – is that link sausage or patty? [ Nico nods ] Link? [ Nico nods ] Link? [ Nico nods ] Uh, link sausage, a large orange juice, and coffee.
Nico Dionasopolis: Cheeseburger?
Male Customer #2: No, I don’t want a cheeseburger. Eggs, couple of eggs.. [ Nico nods ] ..eggs.. [ Nico nods ] Do you speak English? [ Nico nods ] Eggs, couple of eggs, over lightly, with sausage.. cafe.. cafe..
Pete Dionasopolis: [ interrupting ] No, no, no, no, no eggs – cheeseburger!
Male Customer #2: When do you stop serving breakfast?
Pete Dionasopolis: Now. No breakfast.
Male Customer #2: No breakfast?
Pete Dionasopolis: Nope.
Male Customer #2: I just want a couple of eggs.
Pete Dionasopolis: No breakfast! Cheeseburger!
Male Customer #2: Shut up! I don’t want a cheeseburger!
Pete Dionasopolis: Come on, come on, come on – don’t give me that. Come on, let’s go, let’s go, we gotta have turnover! You want a cheeseburger? Everybody got a cheeseburger, you want a cheeseburger? Come on – cheeseburger?
Male Customer #2: I don’t want a cheeseburger! I just got up, it’s too early for a cheeseburger!
Pete Dionasopolis: Too early for cheeseburger? Look – [ points around to his customers ] cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger.
[ as Pete says “cheeseburger”, George throws cheeseburgers on the grill ]
Pete Dionasopolis: What do you want? What are you gonna have?
Male Customer #2: I’ll have a cheeseburger.
Pete Dionasopolis: [ to the kitchen ] One cheeseburger.
Male Customer #2: No more cheeseburger.
Pete Dionasopolis: [ to customer ] No more cheeseburger.
Male Customer #2: I’ll have a hamburger then.
Pete Dionasopolis: [ to the kitchen ] Hamburger.
Male Customer #2: No more hamburger.
Pete Dionasopolis: No hamburger. No cheeseburger, no hamburger, no burger.
Male Customer #2: How about a couple of eggs, then?
Pete Dionasopolis: [ to the kitchen ] Eggs.
Male Customer #2: Over lightly?
Pete Dionasopolis: Scrambled.
Male Customer #2: Alright, scrambled.
Pete Dionasopolis: And what to drink?
Male Customer #2: Coke.
Pete Dionasopolis: No Coke – Pepsi.
Male Customer #2: Alright. Pepsi.
Pete Dionasopolis: [ to the kitchen ] One Pepsi! [ smacks Nico with a menu ] Pepsi, Pepsi, Pepsi!
Nico Dionasopolis: Pepsi!
[ pull out to studio wide shot, with SUPER: “Coming Up Next… Russian Flu Groupies” ]
[ fade ]
