SNL Transcripts: Robert Klein: 01/21/78: Olympia Cafe



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 3: Episode 11









77k: Robert Klein / Bonnie Raitt

Olympia Cafe

Female Customer…..Jane Curtin
Male Customer…..Garrett Morris
Pete Dionasopolis…..John Belushi
George Dionasopolis…..Dan Aykroyd
Sandy Dionasopolis…..Laraine Newman
Nico Dionasopolis…..Bill Murray
Female Customer #2…..Gilda Radner
Male Customer #2…..Robert Klein

Female Customer: I’ll have a tuna salad sandwich, and an order of French fries, please.

Pete Dionasopolis: No. No tuna.

Female Customer: You’re out of tuna?

Pete Dionasopolis: No tuna. Cheeseburger? Come on, come on, come on! I don’t have all day, we gotta have turnover, turnover. [ turns to Male Customer ] What are you gonna have?

Male Customer: Uh.. I think I’ll have grilled cheese and a Coke.

Pete Dionasopolis: Uh.. [ turns to kitchen ] Grilled cheese?

George Dionasopolis: No grilled cheese.

Male Customer: No grilled cheese.

Male Customer: Uh.. cheeseburger and a Coke.

Pete Dionasopolis: Uh, no Coke – Pepsi.

Male Customer: Okay, uh.. Pepsi, and french fries.

Pete Dionasopolis: No fries – chips.

Male Customer: Okay, chips.

Pete Dionasopolis: [ to kitchen ] One cheeseburger, one Pepsi,one chip!

George Dionasopolis: Cheeseburger!

Nico Dionasopolis: Pepsi! Chip! [ throws them onto the counter ]

Pete Dionasopolis: [ to Female Customer ] What do you want?

Female Customer: I’ll have a cheeseburger and a small Coke.

Pete Dionasopolis: Uh.. no Coke – Pepsi.

Female Customer: Pepsi.

Pete Dionasopolis: [ to kitchen ] One cheeseburger, one Pepsi!

George Dionasopolis: Cheeseburger!

Sandy Dionasopolis: [ approaches counter with order ] Cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger, four Pepsi, chip.

George Dionasopolis: Cheeseburger! Cheeseburger! Cheeseburger!

Female Customer #2: [ sits down at counter ] Hi ya, Pete. I’ll have the usual.

Pete Dionasopolis: [ to kitchen ] Cheeseburger!

George Dionasopolis: Cheeseburger!

Female Customer #2: Hey, I get mixed up. Is he your brother? [ points to Nico ]

Pete Dionasopolis: Him? No. My brother, Mike, he’s in the back. George, he’s my first cousin, but I treat him like a brother. Sandy, she’s my second cousin, but I treat her like a first cousin. Him.. [ points to Nico ] ..he’s my third cousin, but I treat him like a fourth cousin, because he’s vlahos. You know what that means? Stupid. [ phone rings, so Pete picks it up ] Hello, Olympia Restaurant. That to go? Cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger.. No, no fries – chips. Four chips? Pepsi? No Coke. No orange. No grape. Pepsi. Four Pepsi! Okay, ten minutes.

Male Customer #2: [ sitting down, spots Nico and makes his order ] I’ll have a couple of eggs, and sausage – is that link sausage or patty? [ Nico nods ] Link? [ Nico nods ] Link? [ Nico nods ] Uh, link sausage, a large orange juice, and coffee.

Nico Dionasopolis: Cheeseburger?

Male Customer #2: No, I don’t want a cheeseburger. Eggs, couple of eggs.. [ Nico nods ] ..eggs.. [ Nico nods ] Do you speak English? [ Nico nods ] Eggs, couple of eggs, over lightly, with sausage.. cafe.. cafe..

Pete Dionasopolis: [ interrupting ] No, no, no, no, no eggs – cheeseburger!

Male Customer #2: When do you stop serving breakfast?

Pete Dionasopolis: Now. No breakfast.

Male Customer #2: No breakfast?

Pete Dionasopolis: Nope.

Male Customer #2: I just want a couple of eggs.

Pete Dionasopolis: No breakfast! Cheeseburger!

Male Customer #2: Shut up! I don’t want a cheeseburger!

Pete Dionasopolis: Come on, come on, come on – don’t give me that. Come on, let’s go, let’s go, we gotta have turnover! You want a cheeseburger? Everybody got a cheeseburger, you want a cheeseburger? Come on – cheeseburger?

Male Customer #2: I don’t want a cheeseburger! I just got up, it’s too early for a cheeseburger!

Pete Dionasopolis: Too early for cheeseburger? Look – [ points around to his customers ] cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger.

[ as Pete says “cheeseburger”, George throws cheeseburgers on the grill ]

Pete Dionasopolis: What do you want? What are you gonna have?

Male Customer #2: I’ll have a cheeseburger.

Pete Dionasopolis: [ to the kitchen ] One cheeseburger.

Male Customer #2: No more cheeseburger.

Pete Dionasopolis: [ to customer ] No more cheeseburger.

Male Customer #2: I’ll have a hamburger then.

Pete Dionasopolis: [ to the kitchen ] Hamburger.

Male Customer #2: No more hamburger.

Pete Dionasopolis: No hamburger. No cheeseburger, no hamburger, no burger.

Male Customer #2: How about a couple of eggs, then?

Pete Dionasopolis: [ to the kitchen ] Eggs.

Male Customer #2: Over lightly?

Pete Dionasopolis: Scrambled.

Male Customer #2: Alright, scrambled.

Pete Dionasopolis: And what to drink?

Male Customer #2: Coke.

Pete Dionasopolis: No Coke – Pepsi.

Male Customer #2: Alright. Pepsi.

Pete Dionasopolis: [ to the kitchen ] One Pepsi! [ smacks Nico with a menu ] Pepsi, Pepsi, Pepsi!

Nico Dionasopolis: Pepsi!

[ pull out to studio wide shot, with SUPER: “Coming Up Next… Russian Flu Groupies” ] [ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King is directing his fourteenth season of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him nine Emmys and thirteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for thirteen DGA Awards and won in 2014, 2016, 2017, 2018 and 2019. Mr. King is also the creative director of Broadway Worldwide which brings theatrical events to theaters. The company has produced Smokey Joe’s Café; Putting It Together with Carol Burnett; Jekyll & Hyde; and Memphis, all directed by Mr. King. He completed the screen capture of Broadway's Romeo & Juliet in 2013. - LinkedIn

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