SNL Transcripts: Robert Klein: 01/21/78: Barbara & Rhonda on Dope

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 3: Episode 11

77k: Robert Klein / Bonnie Raitt

Barbara & Rhonda on Dope

Rhonda Weiss…..Gilda Radner
Barbara…..Jane Curtin
…..Bob Van Ry
…..John Belushi

[ open on Rhonda Weiss and her friend Barbara sitting at the coffee table smoking joints in her apartment ]

Rhonda Weiss: No kidding, Barbara — I am SO out of it! This is really great stuff!

Barbara: I know! I am completely WRECKED!

Rhonda Weiss: Of course, when I get like this, we are talking Paranoid City. I mean, I am the original Space Cadet– Beam me down, Captain Kirk!

Barbara: Well, you seem fine now.

Rhonda Weiss: Wait!

Barbara: [ glancing across the room ] Rhon, do you know what I just realized? That stain on my rug looks just like a horse laughing.

Rhonda Weiss: [ staring intensely at Barbara ] You know… I can see myself in your glasses, and I can see myself seeing myself in your glasses.

Barbara: Try not to look.

Rhonda Weiss: The harder I try, the more I keep doing it to torture myself.

Barbara: You want I should put on my contacts?

Rhonda Weiss: No. Then I’ll start seeing myself in your contacts, and I’ll start seeing myself seeing myself in your contacts. And then I’ll start seeing your contacts moving around in your eyes, and then I’ll start seeing myself moving around in your eyes. And then I’ll start blinking. Only then I’ll be thinking about it. So I’ll start blinking a whole lot of extra times, and worrying! You can break out just by worrying and thinking and —

Barbara: Hey, look! I’m sorry I mentioned it, okay!

Rhonda Weiss: Now all I can think about is that you said “I’m sorry I mentioned it.” I can’t get it out of my mind.

Barbara: Alright, alright, alright! Once, something like this happened to me, and the way I got out of it was by trying to imagine the ideal wallet, keycase, and cigarette holder set.

Rhonda Weiss: That’s a great idea! [ staring into the distance ] The ideal wallet, keycase, and cigarette holder set. [ her mind drifts ] It keeps coming out in VINYL!

Barbara: Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay! Rhonda! Let’s go through your wedding album, okay?

Rhonda Weiss: Alright.

Barbara: First, there’s the picture of you… then there’s the picture of you, your mother, and your father… and then the picture of you and Barry —

Rhonda Weiss: Skip the page!

Barbara: Rhonda, let’s change the subject.

Rhonda Weiss: Alright. You know… the last time that this kind of thing happened to me, it was right before I went to bed. [ she sits up on the couch ] And all I could think was: “Who’s gonna know if I’m breathing after I fall asleep?” I mean, Barry’s asleep! He’s not gonna know if I’m breathing or not! So I stayed up the ENTIRE NIGHT to be sure that I was still breathing! I didn’t fall asleep ’til six a.m., and ONLY by giving all the Chenille balls on my bedspread names!

Barbara: [ sitting up on the couch ] I know exactly what you mean! You know what happened to me once?

Rhonda Weiss: What?

Barbara: Well — did you ever get afraid that you couldn’t swallow so you keep swallowing to make sure that you still can? And then your mouth get so dried that you actually can’t swallow?

Rhonda Weiss: No. I’ve never experienced that. But I’m going to start now!

[ both women begin practicing their swallowing, as Barbara looks around the room ]

Barbara: Rhonda? Rhonda?

Rhonda Weiss: What?

Barbara: Nothing.

Rhonda Weiss: No, really — what?

Barbara: I told you! NOTHING!!

[ they keep practicing their swallowing, about to turn blue in the face ]

Rhonda Weiss: WHAT?!!

Barbara: [ frantic ] LISTEN!! DID YOU JUST HEAR A BLACK MAN COME IN HERE AND STEAL ALL YOUR JEWELRY?!!

Rhonda Weiss: [ listening carefully ] YES!! I DID!! Look —

[ suddenly, a strange screeching fills the room ]

Rhonda Weiss: Look, uh — why don’t we go get a bag of Milano cookies, and that way, when Barry gets home, we’ll be able to not look sto–

[ the screeching continues ]

Gilda Radner: Jane? What’s that noise?

[ Jane shakes her head unknowingly ]

Gilda Radner: [ looking off-camera ] Van Ry? What is that noise?

[ stage manager Bob Van Ry steps into frame ]

Bob Van Ry: Hey, we’re running late. Just try to finish the scene. I don’t know what it is. Just —

Jane Curtin: How do you expect us to be heard over that? [ looking in the opposite direction ] Belushi, do you know what that is?

[ John Belushi, dressed in Bee costume, enters the set ]

John Belushi: I don’t know, I — [ the audience erupts into applause ] Well, I can tell you one thing: It’s not the Concorde.

Gilda Radner: Lorne? Lorne?

John Belushi: Will somebody out there find Lorne?!

Jane Curtin: What IS that noise?!

John Belushi: It’s strange… I could’ve sworn it sounds like the roar of a giant lobster.

[ Gilda removes her Rhonda Weiss glasses ]

Gilda Radner: Giant lobster?!

John Belushi: Yeah! They’re like giant spiders, only more intelligent. It sounds like they’re outside the building somewhere… right here… outside…

[ they all look about the studio apprehensively ]

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