Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 3: Episode 11
Weekend Update with Jane Curtin & Dan Aykroyd
Roseanne Roseannadanna…..Gilda Radner
[ teaser ]
Jane Curtin: Coming up: Seattle Slew may never run again. That and other stories on “Weekend Update”, next.
Announcer: And now, “Weekend Update”, with the “Weekend Update”news team. Brought to you by Dimital, turns your mind into a donut shop. Here are co-anchorpersons Dan Aykroyd and Jane Curtin.
Dan Aykroyd: Good evening. I am Dan Aykroyd.
Jane Curtin: And I’m Jane Curtin. Our top story tonight:
Those two old hustlers, Bert Lance and Larry Flynt, got together this week and formed a business partnership. Utilizing their respective skills, they plan to open a gang bank.
Well, that Russian satellite filled with 100 pounds of highly radioactive Uranium-235 has finally turned up in, of all places, a Nova Scotia lobster bed. Scientists say that the radioactivity has had no significant effects on marine life, except that the lobsters are now as large as helicopters and you can read in the dark with a mackeral.
Because of a steering defect, General Motors is recalling some 1960 Cadillac models, one of which belongs to Pope Paul. While the Pontiff could not be reached for comment, it’s reported he’s not concerned because his Cadillac is usually carried on the shoulders of Vatican aides, anyway.
Dan Aykroyd: Television personality Tom Snyder was lynched yesterday, by an active studio audience. A spokesperson for the mob said they did it for no particular reason, they just didn’t like Snyder’s attitude.
And, also in Hollywood, Sonny and Cher are denying rumors that they will marry again, following Cher’s divorce from Gregg Allman.
This just in from the Middle East: P.L.O. leader Yassar Arafat said today that the P.L.O. will recognize and fully support Israel’s right to make more concessions.[ the next joke also belongs to Dan, yet the camera switches to Jane, who smiles with delight at the error ]
Dan Aykroyd V/O: New evidence uncovered at Pasadena’s CalTech Institute has shown that Albert Einstein was wrong. [ the camera now cuts back to Dan ] Dr. Frank Kelgore, of the nuclear physics wing of the Havar-Marr Adams Center, claims that the equation E=mc2 should be changed to E+E=mc-2 over v — that’s “v” for volume — 2 K. [ on the monitor, the equation is drawn on a chalkboard ] What this formula means is that atom nuclei are compacting at a rate too fast for our universe, and, in fifteen weeks, we can expect the end of time and space and matter, as we know it. [ the hand finally draws a frowny face ] Sorry, Albert.
While admitting that the swastika symbol is abhorrant to Jewish citizens, the Illinois Supreme Court yesterday ruled that the American Nazi Party has a constitutional right to display the swastika in a parade down the largely Jewish suburb of Skokie, Illinois. “Weekend Update”, in the interest of fair and impartial journalism, would like to remain neutral on this matter — and if any American Nazi members would like to come to our newsroom, we’ll gladly bend each and every one of them in the shape of a swastika, free of charge.[ the camera cuts to a tight shot of Jane, who appears to be waiting for an angle that includes the news monitor. She jumbles her papers until such an angle is granted. ]
Jane Curtin: The late Casey Stengal — [ she jumbles her papers again, as the angle returns to a tight shot ] Was it worth it? [ she jumbles her papers some more ] We’ll just sit here and have a conversation until our — our Science Editor, Roseanne Roseannadanna, comes into place.[ monitor shot shows two men surrounded by trees ]
Roseanne Roseannadanna V/O: Sorry!
Jane Curtin: Now that Roseanne Roseannadanna is in place, we’ll continue with Roseanne Roseannadanna… instead of doing the other stuff. It wasn’t funny, anyway!
Former Attorney General John Mitchell was reported in satisfactory condition this week after surgery to repair an aneurism. Here to explain to us exactly what an aneurism is, is “Update” Science Reporter Roseanne Roseannadanna. Welcome. Roseanne, just how serious is an aneurism?
Roseanne Roseannadanna: Oh, it’s a rough one, Jane! Ananeurism means that an artery in your body is weak, and it starts to swell out like a balloon. It could burst and lead to a stroke. But, Jane, if you ask me, Roseanne Roseannadanna.. Mr. Mitchell is a lucky guy. Because his aneurism is on the inside of his body where no one can see it. [ Jane starts to look worried ] If it was on the outside, then he’d be in trouble! He’d look in the mirror before a dinner meeting and go, “Oh, no! Tonight’s the big dance, and I’ve got an aneurism on my face! I can’t go out like this!” Let me let you in on a little secret – once, I, Roseanne Roseannadanna, had a little wart on my face. It was like this little bubble thing, and it was round and it was hard as a rock. I thought that I was gonna die! I said to myself, “Roseanne Roseannandanna, how did you get this wart? You didn’t touch no toad! But at least, thank God, it wasn’t the kind that had a hair sticking out of it. You know the ones that your mother’s friends usually have, and you have to kiss them? Like, did you ever stub your big toe on the car, or drop someting heavy on your foot, and the toenail on the big toe turns different colors like purple and brown and green, and then ithangs there and falls off in your sock? And you’re left with a toe with no nail, and a sock that has a nail. What about little teeny-tiny baby toes? They are always so weird! Like, sometimes the nail on them looks like a canoe! Or, like it curves around like one of those boomerangs.. and then, if you clip it, you can’t throw it away, because it comes back! [ turns to Jane ] Jane, I was just wondering – what does your baby toe look like?
Jane Curtin: Roseanne, you’re making me sick..
Roseanne Roseannadanna: Hey, what’s your problem?
Jane Curtin: What do warts, fever blisters, and anythinghave to do with aneurisms?!
Roseanne Roseannadanna: Well, Jane, it just goes to show youit’s always something. I want to tell Mr. Mitchell: I don’t care what your politics is, I know your wife is dead, I know you’re gonna go back to jail.. so I’ll leave you alone. It’s just like my father used to tell me when I was a little girl. I’d take my bath, and he’d make sure I was nice and dry, he’d put powder under my arms and every place.. and just before he’d tuck me into bed, he’d take my foot in his hand and he’d say, “This little piggy went to market; this little piggy stayed home; [ Jane mimicks her ] ..this little piggy had roast beef; this little piggy had none; and this little piggy has a toenail that looks like a boomerang! Good night, my little Roseanne Roseannadanna!
Jane Curtin: [ relieved ] Good night, Roseanne Roseannadanna.
Roseanne Roseannadanna: Hey, you wanna have dinner?
Jane Curtin: No! [ to the audience quickly ] That’s the news.Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow.
Announcer: This portion of “Weekend Update” has been broughtto you by TransAmeriCo, where salad dressing and women’s sanitary napkins are the only things we put our name on.[ fade ]