Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 3: Episode 11
Susan Edwards…Laraine Newman
Dave Griffin…Robert Klein
[Open on a man and woman opening a gift in their living room]
Susan Edwards: Oh, look! [Taking “his” and “hers” towels from the box]
Dave Griffin: Isn’t that nice? It was wonderful of your mother to send these “his” and “hers” towels because of your graduation from medical school tomorrow.
Susan Edwards: Well, you know, I think she’s finally accepted the fact that we’re not going to get married.
Dave Griffin: Well, she ought to. We’ve been living together for eight years.
Susan Edwards: Well, I don’t think your willing–winning the Cal Tech prize for your solar energy research hurt any.
Dave Griffin: [puts his hand over his mouth] You know, I love your mom and… and who knows? Some day, maybe we will get hooked up and really make her happy.
Susan Edwards: I don’t see why…
[Two men in blue jackets carrying guns burst in through the front door]
Joe: Freeze! X-Police! [They show badge cases without badges in them]
Dave Griffin: X-Police?
Joe: Yeah, we were kicked off the force a few months ago.
X-Policeman: But that won’t keep us from enforcing the law. [Walks behind the couch] You two are adults cohabiting in a single, single-family dwelling, and in this state that’s a felony!
Susan Edwards: How do you know?
Joe: We live in this building. We see you come and go all the time.
Dave Griffin: [Standing up] Wait a minute, you can’t break in here without a warrant!
X-Policeman: [Reaching into his jacket] Oh no, I got a warrant right here. Help me with it. [He grabs Dave and hits him over the head three times]
Susan Edwards: [sobbing] No wait, please! We’ve never done anything wrong!
X-Policeman: Yeah, sure, slut! If ya want, you can tell it to the X-Judge.
Joe: How you can say you’ve never done anything wrong really makes me sick! [Grabs Susan and begins slamming her against the wall] Boy, you people make me sick! Fornication, copulation, coitus! It’s all I can stand! Sex! You people are driving this country into a God-less mire! I don’t suppose you’ve ever seen a girl turning tricks on the street because she was born out of wedlock to a little 14-year-old girl…
X-Policeman: [Taps Joe on the shoulder] Joe. Joe, maybe you should stop slamming her against the wall. She’s unconscious and really can’t benefit from your words.
[Joe releases Susan, who falls limply onto the floor]
Joe: It’s too late. She’s dead. Another promiscuity-related death. This sort of thing turns my stomach! Better make it look like the guy did it.
X-Policeman: Right. Here. Put his hands around her neck. [Both X-Police bring the unconscious Dave over to Susan and put his hands around her neck] Yeah, right, then we’ll throw this glass of water in his face. [Dave immediately regains consciousness after being splashed with the water]
Dave Griffin: What, what, what? [He sees Susan laying on the floor and begins to panic]
X-Policeman: [Pulling Dave to his feet] Yeah, come on up, fella.
Joe: We came in to bust ya for cohabitation. Your girlfriend here tried to bribe us with sexual favors. And in a fit of jealous rage you went berserk, and ya strangled her before we could knock you out!
Dave Griffin: I did? Ohhh…[begins screaming and runs to the window, jumping through the glass]
Joe: Fingerprints! [Begins wiping items on the coffee table and picks up the couple’s towels] Cohabitation.
X-Policeman: [Shakes head] Tssss! Well, Joe, we’ve done all we can. Let’s get out of here before the real police come.
Joe: [Throws down the towels] Yeah, right! [Both X-Police leave the apartment]
[Dissolve to police lineup picture of Dave with a bloodied bandage on his forehead]
Announcer: Dave Griffin recovered from his fall and was convicted of first-degree murder and the beating death of Susan Edwards. Griffin was sentenced to life imprisonment in the California State Men’s Penitentiary at Chino, where he died six months later while being sexually assaulted by other inmates.
[Dissolve to an empty badge case above the “X-Police” logo]
Announcer: Join us again next week for another episode of X-Police.
[Applause and fade]
Submitted by: John Ravetti