Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 3: Episode 12
Conversation After Sex
[ a couple begin a conversation after having sex ]
Man: You want a cigarette?
Woman: No, thanks, I don’t smoke.
Man: Oh, good. Neither do I. [ pause ] That was terrific. How was it for you?
Man: Was it just “okay”, or was it “really okay”?
Woman: Well, it was “really just okay”.
Man: Did you, uh.. did you.. hmm? Did you have, uh..?
Woman: Couldn’t you tell?
Man: Well, I’m not very good at those things. I can’t figure those things out too good. They confuse me.
Woman: Well, why did you ask?
Man: Well, you know, I figured we’ve just been very intimate, asintimate as you can be, you know? And, uh.. I’d feel sort of guilty if only one of us was satisfied, you know? I mean, it’s not like I didn’t try..
Woman: Oh, I know.
Man: Well, did you?
Woman: Well, look, don’t worry. Sometimes I do, and I don’t even know it.
Man: Huh? I’ve never heard of that before. When it happens to me, I know it.
Woman: Well, girls are different, you know? I didn’t even know I was allowed to have one ’til I went away to college.
Man: Do you usually have one, though?
Woman: Well, you see, it’s like this – I never really feel themimmediately. It’s sorta like they, uh.. kind of store up, and then I feel them all at once. Usually, on the first day of Purim. A lot of girls are like that.
Man: Well, then.. you mean, you did have one?
Man: You might have.
Man: Good. I feel better.
Woman: Could you hold me?
Woman: Well, I just wondered if you’d hold me. I mean, we’ve been so close and everything.. and I like that part, the holding part. I like that as much as the other part.
Man: Well, sure. I like that, too. [ they adjust themselves for comfort ] Can I ask you something personal?
Man: Um.. I don’t want to pry.. but, who’s Phil?
Woman: How do you know about Phil?
Man: Well, in the middle of it, you said his name, you know?
Woman: Oh, gee. I’m sorry.
Man: It’s okay. Who is he?
Woman: Well, Phil’s my old boyfriend. We broke up a couple weeks ago. I’m sorry.. I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings, really..
Man: Oh, no, no.. That’s okay, I understand. I was just wondering, that’s all. It’s okay..
Woman: You mind if I ask you a personal question?
Man: Of course. Shoot.
Woman: Who’s Terry? Right in the middle of everything, you said, “Terry.”
Man: I’m Terry. Terry Forrester?
Woman: Oh, I remember! You told me at the party! Right.
Man: That’s just sort of a habit, from all those night alone. Ididn’t mean to hurt your feelings..
Woman: Can I ask you another question?
Man: Yeah, sure.
Woman: Who’s Mommy?
Man: I said “Mommy”?
Man: Mommy’s my middle name – Terry “Mommy” Forrester, I swear!
Woman: I believe you.
Man: I know that sounds funny.. Well, it’s getting pretty late.What time do you have to get up for work?
Woman: Well, my boss is out of town, I don’t have to go in ’til the afternoon.
Man: Wow, you’re lucky. I’ve got a 9:30 class, it takes me 45minutes to get there.
Woman: I thought you said you pitched for the Yankees?
Man: I did? Yeah.. well..
Woman: You even promised you’d give me tickets for opening day..
Man: Look, I was lying. I just.. I’ll level with you. I just wanted you to go home with me. I wanted to take you home, I thought it would sound a little better if I told you I was pitching for the Yankees. I figured if I told you I’m teaching Driver’s Ed for Rodell Junior High, you know..?
Woman: I understand. You must really like baseball.
Man: Never miss a game.
Woman: Yeah, me either. Especially the Yankees. I follow themclosely, like I know the whole roster.
Man: Well, why did you let me lie to you like that?
Woman: Well, I didn’t want to embarrass you, and I was afraid you wouldn’t take me home.. and I knew you’d tell me the truth, eventually.
Man: Well, that’s real nice of you. That’s real nice. I’ve gotta go. [ gets up ]
Woman: Well, where are you going?
Man: I told you – I’ve got an early class.. I’ve gotta get ready..
Woman: Well, you can stay, if you want to.
Man: I can?
Woman: Sure. It’s your apartment.[ the Man turns the lamp off, as they both fall asleep ] [ pull out to studio wide shot, with SUPER: “coming up next… How To Tell Shields From Yarnell” ] [ fade ]