Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 3: Episode 12
Chevy Chase’s Monologue
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Chevy Chase!
Chevy Chase: Thank you! Thank you very much! I can’t believe this. It’s been over a year since I’ve been gone, and, uh… I really miss the show. I’ll tell you one thing I’ve missed more than anything — [ he checks to make sure his zipper is pulled up ] Quite seriously — And that is the applause. I miss that more than anything. [ the audience applauds wildly ] Thank you!
I just want to say that my friends and the people who put on “Saturday Night” — even since I’ve been gone, before or after — still put on the BEST damn comedy show on the air. [ the audience applauds ] I thank you — I thank YOU on their behalf. I do.
I must say, it’s great to be back in this town, and I think, you know, let’s be honest — New York’s the greatest city in the world, isn’t it? [ the audience applauds ]
You know, uh — This trip, I’ve been spending a lot of time in Brooklyn. [ the audience whoops ]
Yesterday — I don’t know — in Los Angeles, they don’t have very many delicatessans, you know? THey don’t have Negroes. They have nothing, you know? But I spent a lot of time yesterday, uh, at a little delicatessan in Queens. [ the audience applauds ] Queens?
Of course, there’s no place more exciting than Manhattan to me. [ the audience applauds ] Manhattan is… unless, of course, that place is Queens. [ the audience applauds enthusiastically ]
I — I think that it’s very hard to express how I feel in words, and, uh… [ he turns to look at the band ] Well, if it’s alright with you, I’d just like to sing a short note. [ band member pounds a note on the piano ] The band![ singing ]“The more I seeeeeee
The more I want you.
Somehow, this feeling
Thank you. How about that band, huh?[ the audience applauds wildly ]
You know, it’s been a…[ the band keeps playing, until Chevy runs back to tell Howard Shore to stop ]
What a week! Not just for me. I guess we found a real-life “Rocky” in that Leon Spinks, huh?[ the audience applauds wildly ]
He deserves a lot of credit. He really does. But I don’t want to take anything away from, I think, the greatest heavyweight champion of ALL time — no question about it — Mohammed Ali.[ the audience applauds even more wildly ]
How about thay Muriel Humphrey? Huh? [ the audience applauds wirh slight amusement ] Absolutely.
Haldeman’s book’s coming out… Even more dirt about Watergate. I don’t know how you feel. Don’t you think Nixon’s suffered a much? [ he shugs ] Enough? Much too much? [ low response; someone in the audience cries “No!” ] He hasn’t suffered enough, has he? [ the audience applauds wildly ] They should have put him in JAIL, right?! [ the audience cheers enthusiastically ] Yeah! And Agnew, TOO, right?! [ the audience cheers wildly ] Yeah!
You know what I really love about your applause, is its sponteneity. [ the audience laughs ] That’s kind of what live TV’s about — great live television. It seems spotaneous. Uh, but you see, it really isn’t. Every word is, uh, written out and put on cue cards. It’s true! I’ll show you. [ calling ] Al? Could you give me a card? See, this is really the illusion of spontaneity.[ Al Siegal hands Chevy a cue card, which Chevy holds up to reveal the words:
“Al, could you give me a
See, this is really the
illusion of spontaneity.” ]
Chevy Chase: Thanks, Al! [ he hands the cue card back ] Uh… Give me the next card. By the way, Al? Come on up here, Al.[ Al Siegal joins Chevy on stage, as the audience applauds wildly ]
Chevy Chase: This is Al Seigal, our cue card man. He’s done a great job, he’s got a lot to do, a lot of work… Incidentally, you’ve been a great audience. I think you all owe yourselves a round of applause. Please.[ the audience applauds wildly ] [ Al hands Chevy the last cue card and steps down from the stage ]
Chevy Chase: [ he holds up the cue card that reads: ] We’ll be right back after this message.