Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 3: Episode 12
No Funny Ending
Old Woman #1…..Laraine Newman
Old Woman #2…..Gilda Radner
Old Woman #3…..Jane Curtin
Land Shark…..Chevy Chase
Rod Serling…..Dan Aykroyd
Truman Capote…..John Belushi
Archbishop of Canterbury…..Garrett Morris
[ open on three elderly ladies sitting around a kitchen table ]
Old Woman #1: Look! Here’s our “Charlie’s Angels” on the cover of TV Guide!
Old Woman #2: Oooooh, lovely girl, that Cheryl Ladd!
Old Woman #3: Lovely hair!
Old Woman #1: Lovely. Mind you, I don’t paricularly fancy Kate’s hair.
Old Woman #3: But do you supose Sharon next to Jacqueline and Cheryl’s hair?
Old Woman #2: I don’t see the both of them beating down YOUR door, now do I? Besides, Kate’s hair can ACT!
Old Woman #1: Well… I miss Farrah’s hair. It had so much body.
Old Woman #3: Farrah’s hair had more body than her body.
Old Woman #2: Anyway, none of them ever had the mange — knock on wood![ she taps on the tabletop ]
Old Woman #3: Mark my words: One day they’ll catch their death of cold, running after criminals with their ninnies jumping out of their t-shirts.
Old Woman #1: Mmm, they ought to wrap up more.
Old Woman #2: Yes! It’s not decent!
Old Woman #3: Mmm-mmm.
Old Woman #2: Lovely girls, though.
Old Woman #1: Lovely t-shirts.
Old Woman #3: Lovely ninnies.
Old Woman #1: Lovely.[ a knock at the door ]
Old Woman #2: Who is it? Come on in![ Chevy Chase enters ]
Chevy Chase: Hey, girls? We’re running a bit late. It’s a very cute bit, but —
Old Woman #2: Look, look, look! It’s our son… Nigel!
The Women: Nigel, Nigel, Nigel…!!
Chevy Chase: Girls, you want to wind this up? I have a long speech prepared for the ending, and this thing is getting that way. If you don’t mind, I’m a little concerned that —
Gilda Radner: Go away, Chevy!
Chevy Chase: From a guy who’s had his own special, this piece is going nowhere. You know what I mean? No finish.
Gilda Radner: Chevy, would you go away!
Chevy Chase: Have you got a finish? An ending?
Gilda Radner: Yes! Garrett comes in as the Archbishop of Canterbury, and we hit him with our purses! It’s a real funny ending.
Chevy Chase: I don’t think that ending’s gonna work. It’s strange, and, uh… I came out here, you know? And I had a funny ending for you… and now, I don’t know what happened. I know I’m here. It’s almost like there’s no way out of this scene. I — I —[ “Twilight Zone” theme pots up, as the camera pans off the set into a dark area of the stage where Rod Serling sits ]
Rod Serling: Submitted for your approval: Four performers trapped in a scene without an ending. What do they resort to? They resort to me, a man with no lip but an imagination that unlocks doors. Hoping I’ll bail them out with this cheap Rod Serling impression, to give this scene an ending in… “The Twilight Zone.”[ dissolve to “Twilite Zone” card with accompanying music sting ] [ cut to that image on a TV screen, as the camera pans across the stage to reveal Truman Capote ]
Truman Capote: Well, isn’t that marvelous! I love Rod Serling, I think he’s wonderful. He’s so much like Parandel — I love the little TWIST to the story. I think that what we’ve seen here, uh, proves decisively that head humor is not dead. Well, this wraps up another episode of “Belushi’s Capote Might Be The Ending We’re Looking For”.[ camera pulls back to reveal that Capote isn’t wearing pants ]
Director: Cut! Cut! Cut, cut, cut![ reveal full stage, as the Director storms in ]
Director: John, baby, I’m sorry! Capote was beautiful, it was terrific! You were great! But you’re NOT wearing any PANTS, dude!
John Belushi: That’s the ending. That’s the funny ending, man. I don’t have any pants on. It’s kind of English, you know what I mean? It’s just that, you know, we’re almost out of the scene.
Director: Well, John, that is the kind of experimental stuff you can do on our own program. Alright? I’m sorry, but I CAN’T live with those legs! It is a WRAP on the underwear look, okay? [ looking offstage ] Wardrobe! Get in here![ the three elderly women rush into the sceen with a pair pants and chatter wildly as they brush Belushi’s face with a short broom ]
John Belushi: Wait a minute… wait a minute… Hey! Come on! Are you a bunch of total lame-os? What’s going on here? There is no ending to this scene! The scene has NO ending! There’s only ONE way out of this scene, and that’s to have a heart att–[ suddenly, Belushi drops to the floor, a victim of a fake heart attack ]
Director: Alright, smooth move, John. Heart attack. Great! Now, I’m gonna have to catch you girls later —[ suddenly, Murray drops to the floor, a victim of a fake heart attack ]
Gilda Radner: Boy, that’s real great for the guys, but women have a lower rate of —[ suddenly, Gilda drops to the floor, a victim of a fake heart attack ]
Laraine Newman: Oh, noooo… You guys aren’t going to sleaze out of this scene, I’m —[ suddenly, Laraine drops to the floor, a victim of a fake heart attack ]
Jane Curtin: And now, a film by Gary waaa–!![ suddenly, Jane drops to the floor, a victim of a fake heart attack ] [ the doorbell rings ]
Voice: Uh — Mrs. Folla– Follaten?[ super: “JAWS V” ] [ Gilda jumps up to answer the door ]
Gilda Radner: Who is it?
Voice: Mrs. Arlllllles…?
Gilda Radner: What?
Voice: Mrs… Or — Orphlewaite…?[ Laraine stands and approaches the door ]
Laraine Newman: There’s no “Mrs. Orphlewaite” here! What do you want?
Gilda Radner: We’re on diets! Go away![ Jane stands and approaches the door ]
Voice: Um… your limosine is ready, Ma’am…
Jane Curtin: We didn’t order any limosine!
Voice: Um… funny ending for a scene, Ma’am…
Girls: [ excited ] COME ON IN!!![ they open the door, as the Land Shark pokes his head in and drags them into the hall ] [ SUPER: “THE END?” ] [ dissolve to kitchen setting, as Garrett Morris, dressed as the Archbishop of Canterbury, finally rushes in ]
Garrett Morris: Heyyyyyyyyyy….? [ to the camera ] What’s happening? I guess I’m a little late, huh? Because there was supposed to be some white folks back here. So, I guess I’ll just… [ as he dances ] “Shuffle off to Buffalo…! Shuffle off to Buaffalo…! Shuffle off to Buffalo…!” [ he exits the room, then reopens the door and does his Poeky Pig impression ] That’s all, folks! [ he closes the door ] [ Chevy, in his Land Shark head, rushes into the scene ]
Chevey Chase: Well, good night, everybody![ dissolve to audience wide shot, zoom in on woman with SUPER: “Member of Audience on Camera” ] [ fade ]