SNL Transcripts: Chevy Chase: 02/18/78: Sermonette


Saturday Night Live Transcripts

Season 3: Episode 12

77k: Chevy Chase / Billy Joel


The Most Reverend Archbishop Maharishi O’Mulliganstein, D.D.S……Chevy Chase

Announcer: And now, as we come to the end of another broadcast day… we offer you these words of inspiration. Tonight’s message is from the Church of Confusion. Our Sermonette this evening will be delivered by his Confused Holiness, the Most Reverend Archbishop Maharishi O’Mulliganstein, D.D.S.

[ dissolve to His Holiness at the pulpit ]

The Most Reverend Archbishop Maharishi O’Mulliganstein, D.D.S.: Good afternoon! And thank you, Father-in-Law… for guiding us through another day. As the prophet Lao said at the bottom of the mountain when he first saw the first glimmer of the haze of confusion: “Baruka taw alouit et jean tia… Caveat emptor. Eat the wafer, Maria. Hi. How are you? Ohmmmmmmm…” And thee confused deity speaketh under Krishna. He said, “Bill. E pluribus unum, and Troy, there lies the scene. Close cover before striking. Please keep your feet off the jumpseat. Bhagavad Gita. Amen. And, Bill? Understood!” You see: He, too, is confused.

Fellow, Confuseds, we must reaffirm our confusion every day. Zeus loves you! He loves allllll Mormons. [ singing ] “Rooooooock of ages! Take my wiiiiiiife!” Prepare to drink from the kiddish cup. For as God giveth… he also giveth. I’m reminded this ash of the story called “Bow to the Koran and the Anal Annex of Confucius.” About a man who wandered aimlessly throughout his… life and this story, for 40 days and 50 nights… when he came upon a clearing. Before him were five roads. Five roads not taken, and MILES to go before they slept! Now, he was truly confused. “Which road should I take?” It was a rhetorical question, for the traveler knew nor where he was going, but not where he had come from. But then, a sign appeared before him. A sign from above. A star rose in the heavens. The wind howled from the west. The Red Sea parted. A pyramid fell, and a baby cried. And… ANOTHER sign! Like THUNDER! A small foreign car exploded, and… the traveler knew that he could no longer be driven out of the Promised Land. Bless you.

And, finally: The traveler came upon a giant footprint that he found… and he spaketh that this truly MUST be… the hand of God. And he was confuseth. He went to the foot of the mountain, and he cried, “Confused at last! Confused at last! Lou! LOu, Mr. Fields wants the rent!” We are confused at last.

And, so: As we prepare to meet another day… [he makes a series fo lewd hand gestures ] In closing, I would like to read from… well… Leviticus 1, Chapter 4, Jackson 5… [ he opens his gospel and reads ] “Take, eat. This is my body. How do you like it?” [ he closes his gospel ] So, in closing: May your trauma be fine, when combined with a conscientiously-applied program of oral hygeine and regular dental care. Amen. Good night. Hello!

[ dissolve to an audience wide shot, zoom in on a happy woman, with SUPER: “Plannig Tomorrow’s Breakfast” ] [ fade ]

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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3 years ago

To me Chevy’s funniest sketch of all-time!
I almost have it completely memorized.

Dan D'Silva
Dan D'Silva
3 years ago

Couple of things which I think make it even funnier if you understand them:

The phrase “Barukh ata alouette gentille” is a mix of a Hebrew prayer and the children’s song “Alouette.”

Pretty sure “Bakada dida” is actually “Bhagavad Gita.”

1 year ago

I was in my late 20s when I saw Chevy do this bit in the 70s. It’s one of the funniest I’ve seen on SNL or most anywhere.

Over the years,and since the internet, I have referred to it and my friends tp it but there is no video of it to be found.

Just this transcript seems to survive.

While I can visualize how Chevy performed it, I’m guessing many younger people and those who never saw it cannot.

I’ve seen a lot of people who take it as sacrilegious and even blasphemy. It’s definitely irreverent which may be why it’s not seen online or on DVD

Last edited 1 year ago by TAKlecker
Bryan Burkholder
Bryan Burkholder
8 months ago

I found the video! It is available on Amazon Prime. It is Season 3 but episode 11, NOT 12. You can purchase the entire episode for $1.99. I just recorded a video of it to my phone. What a classic!!!

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