Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 3: Episode 12
The Most Reverend Archbishop Maharishi O’Mulliganstein, D.D.S……Chevy Chase
Announcer: And now, as we come to the end of another broadcast day… we offer you these words of inspiration. Tonight’s message is from the Church of Confusion. Our Sermonette this evening will be delivered by his Confused Holiness, the Most Reverend Archbishop Maharishi O’Mulliganstein, D.D.S.
[ dissolve to His Holiness at the pulpit ]
The Most Reverend Archbishop Maharishi O’Mulliganstein, D.D.S.: Good afternoon! And thank you, Father-in-Law… for guiding us through another day. As the prophet Lao said at the bottom of the mountain when he first saw the first glimmer of the haze of confusion: “Baruka taw alouit et jean tia… Caveat emptor. Eat the wafer, Maria. Hi. How are you? Ohmmmmmmm…” And thee confused deity speaketh under Krishna. He said, “Bill. E pluribus unum, and Troy, there lies the scene. Close cover before striking. Please keep your feet off the jumpseat. Bakada dida. Amen. And, Bill? Understood!” You see: He, too, is confused.
Fellow, Confuseds, we must reaffirm our confusion every day. Zeus loves you! He loves allllll Mormons. [ singing ] “Rooooooock of ages! Take my wiiiiiiife!” Prepare to drink from the kiddish cup. For as God giveth… he also giveth. I’m reminded this ash of the story called “Bow to the Koran and the Anal Annex of Confucius.” About a man who wandered aimlessly throughout his… life and this story, for 40 days and 50 nights… when he came upon a clearing. Before him were five roads. Five roads not taken, and MILES to go before they slept! Now, he was truly confused. “Which road should I take?” It was a rhetorical question, for the traveler knew nor where he was going, but not where he had come from. But then, a sign appeared before him. A sign from above. A star rose in the heavens. The wind howled from the west. The Red Sea parted. A pyramid fell, and a baby cried. And… ANOTHER sign! Like THUNDER! A small foreign car exploded, and… the traveler knew that he could no longer be driven out of the Promised Land. Bless you.
And, finally: The traveler came upon a giant footprint that he found… and he spaketh that this truly MUST be… the hand of God. And he was confuseth. He went to the foot of the mountain, and he cried, “Confused at last! Confused at last! Lou! LOu, Mr. Fields wants the rent!” We are confused at last.
And, so: As we prepare to meet another day… [he makes a series fo lewd hand gestures ] In closing, I would like to read from… well… Leviticus 1, Chapter 4, Jackson 5… [ he opens his gospel and reads ] “Take, eat. This is my body. How do you like it?” [ he closes his gospel ] So, in closing: May your trauma be fine, when combined with a conscientiously-applied program of oral hygeine and regular dental care. Amen. Good night. Hello!
[ dissolve to an audience wide shot, zoom in on a happy woman, with SUPER: “Plannig Tomorrow’s Breakfast” ]
[ fade ]