SNL Transcripts: Chevy Chase: 02/18/78: Somewhere In France, 1944



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 3: Episode 12







77k: Chevy Chase / Billy Joel

Somewhere In France, 1944

Sarge … John Belushi
Wolinski … Chevy Chase
1st German … Bill Murray
2nd German … Dan Aykroyd
Washington … Garrett Morris

[Black and white stock footage of tanks in battle in the European theater of the Second World War. Ominous military music: brass and percussion. A superimposed text reads: “SOMEWHERE IN FRANCE 1944” — Dissolve to a trio of American soldiers guarding a dirt road. Thescene itself, like the stock footage, is in black and white.]

Sarge: Hey! You hear somethin’?

Wolinski: Yeah.

[The three soldiers grab their weapons and confront aslowly approaching motorcycle.]

Sarge: Halt! [The motorcyclist brakes and shuts offhis engine.] What’s the password?

1st German: [seated in the motorcycle’s sidecar, wearing monocle, speaking with a thick German accent] Apple.

Sarge: We’ve had reports there’s some jerries, uh, dressed up in GI uniforms tryin’ to sneak behind our lines. Yeah, we’re gonna have to ask you some questions.

1st German: Ya, das ist okay.

2nd German: [the motorcyclist, with an equally thick German accent] You can’t be too careful mit those krauts.

Sarge: What’s the capital of Illinois?

1st German: Shpringfield.

Sarge: How ’bout Oklahoma?

1st German: Oklahoma City.

Sarge: How many quarts in a gallon?

1st German: [counts on his fingers] Ein, zwei, drei … Four.

Sarge: [turns to the motorcyclist, jabs a pistol inhis side] You! Who was the Dragon Lady?

2nd German: In “Terry and the Pirates.”

Sarge: What color are the Yankees’ uniforms?

2nd German: Pinstriped, vhite mit gray.

Sarge: What’s a Texas Leaguer?

2nd German: A base hit in baseball that falls betweenze infield und the outfield.

1st German: [leans in, helpfully] Usually a zingle.

2nd German: Zo named for a minor league in Texas.

1st German: Capital, Austin.

2nd German: The weight of ze baseball — [turns smuglyto the 1st German who mouths it along with him:] –three point eight ounces!

Sarge: Okay, okay. Tell me who this is. Wolinski, doyour imitation.

Wolinski: All right, Sarge. [leans his rifle on the motorcycle and does a terrible imitation of American movie star James Cagney] You dirty rat! You killed my brother!

Sarge: [to the Germans] Okay, now, who was it?

[The 1st German whispers to the second.]

2nd German: [to Sarge] Paul Whiteman. [pronounces thefamous American bandleader’s name as “Viteman”]

Sarge: No, no, no, no. [to Wolinski] Try it again. Doit again. [to the Germans] He does it better. [toWolinski] Go ‘head.

Wolinski: [hands his rifle to the 2nd German] Holdthat for a sec, please. [does a slightly better Cagneyimitation] You dirty rat! You killed my brother!

[Sarge, Wolinski and the third American soldier,Washington, crack up at the imitation but the Germanshaven’t a clue who it is. They whisper and decide totake a guess.]

1st German: Ike. [The Americans instantly get tenseand raise their weapons at the Germans] No, not Ike.Uh, I meant, Walter Winchell. [pronounces the famousAmerican broadcaster’s name as “Valter Vinchell”]

Washington: Yeah! Say! That’s who I thought it waswhen I first heard it.

Sarge: [sighs, reluctantly] Well, okay. I guess youguys are okay. [the Americans relax and lower theirweapons] You know, you – you just can’t be toocareful, though. [Sarge takes out a pack of cigarettesand offers it to the Germans]

1st German: Cigarette?

Sarge: Yeah, here. [gives cigarettes to the Germans]

2nd German: You have to watch yourself very carefullyhere. Ya-hess!

Sarge: Yeah. Hey, you guys got a match?

1st German: Oh, yes.

Sarge: You know, we got plenty of cigarettes up here.They never send us any matches.

1st German: [lights cigarettes, hands matchbook toSarge] Mm. You can keep this.

Sarge: Hey, thanks a lot. [looks at matchbook] Hey,what’s this say? [reads aloud] Hofbrau Haus?

Wolinski: [peers over Sarge’s shoulder at matchbook] Berlin?

Sarge: Berlin! [The Americans grab their rifles, theGermans raise their hands in surrender, Wolinski andWashington pat down the Germans, looking for weapons]All right, krauts! Drop it, krauts! Drop it! Search’em! Watch out for booby traps!

Wolinski: Well, that was close, Sarge.

Sarge: That sure was.

Wolinski: These jerries almost got past us. [chuckles smugly]

Sarge: That’s right. But they didn’t! You just can’tbe too careful, you know? Ya can’t trust anybody!

Washington: That’s right. Say, Sarge, you know whatyou should have asked ’em? “Who is the manager of theCleveland Indians this year?” They couldn’t’veanswered that!

Sarge: Yeah. By the way, Washington … who is themanager of the Cleveland Indians this year?

Washington: Uh… you know, I’m not sure.

[Sarge and Wolinski turn their rifles on Washingtonwho drops his weapon.]

Sarge: Drop it, Washington! Kraut! Drop it!

Washington: [hands raised in surrender, Wolinski patshim down] Huh?

Sarge: Drop it! All right, now, Wolinski?!

Wolinski: Yeah, Sarge?

Sarge: Who’s the manager of the Indians?

Wolinski: Heh, heh, I don’t know, Sarge.

Sarge: [points rifle at Wolinski who drops gun, raiseshands] Drop it! Drop it! I can’t believe it! My ownmen — lousy jerries! I don’t believe it! Just goes toshow you can’t trust anybody!

Wolinski: Hey, Sergeant.

Sarge: What?

Wolinski: Well, you mind if I ask you somethin’?

Sarge: What?

Wolinski: Who is the manager of Cleveland, uh, this year?

Sarge: It’s, uh … uhhh … [horrible realization] Oh, no. I’m a … [drops his rifle] … kraut! [raises his hands] [The five of them remain where they are — the Germansseated on their motorcycle, the Americans standingbeside it — with their hands in the air, as we pullback and fade out to applause and more ominousclimactic music.]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King is directing his fourteenth season of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him nine Emmys and thirteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for thirteen DGA Awards and won in 2014, 2016, 2017, 2018 and 2019. Mr. King is also the creative director of Broadway Worldwide which brings theatrical events to theaters. The company has produced Smokey Joe’s Café; Putting It Together with Carol Burnett; Jekyll & Hyde; and Memphis, all directed by Mr. King. He completed the screen capture of Broadway's Romeo & Juliet in 2013. - LinkedIn

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