Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 3: Episode 12
Somewhere In France, 1944
Sarge … John Belushi
Wolinski … Chevy Chase
1st German … Bill Murray
2nd German … Dan Aykroyd
Washington … Garrett Morris
Sarge: Hey! You hear somethin’?
Wolinski: Yeah.[The three soldiers grab their weapons and confront aslowly approaching motorcycle.]
Sarge: Halt! [The motorcyclist brakes and shuts offhis engine.] What’s the password?
1st German: [seated in the motorcycle’s sidecar, wearing monocle, speaking with a thick German accent] Apple.
Sarge: We’ve had reports there’s some jerries, uh, dressed up in GI uniforms tryin’ to sneak behind our lines. Yeah, we’re gonna have to ask you some questions.
1st German: Ya, das ist okay.
2nd German: [the motorcyclist, with an equally thick German accent] You can’t be too careful mit those krauts.
Sarge: What’s the capital of Illinois?
1st German: Shpringfield.
Sarge: How ’bout Oklahoma?
1st German: Oklahoma City.
Sarge: How many quarts in a gallon?
1st German: [counts on his fingers] Ein, zwei, drei … Four.
Sarge: [turns to the motorcyclist, jabs a pistol inhis side] You! Who was the Dragon Lady?
2nd German: In “Terry and the Pirates.”
Sarge: What color are the Yankees’ uniforms?
2nd German: Pinstriped, vhite mit gray.
Sarge: What’s a Texas Leaguer?
2nd German: A base hit in baseball that falls betweenze infield und the outfield.
1st German: [leans in, helpfully] Usually a zingle.
2nd German: Zo named for a minor league in Texas.
1st German: Capital, Austin.
2nd German: The weight of ze baseball — [turns smuglyto the 1st German who mouths it along with him:] –three point eight ounces!
Sarge: Okay, okay. Tell me who this is. Wolinski, doyour imitation.
Wolinski: All right, Sarge. [leans his rifle on the motorcycle and does a terrible imitation of American movie star James Cagney] You dirty rat! You killed my brother!
Sarge: [to the Germans] Okay, now, who was it?[The 1st German whispers to the second.]
2nd German: [to Sarge] Paul Whiteman. [pronounces thefamous American bandleader’s name as “Viteman”]
Sarge: No, no, no, no. [to Wolinski] Try it again. Doit again. [to the Germans] He does it better. [toWolinski] Go ‘head.
Wolinski: [hands his rifle to the 2nd German] Holdthat for a sec, please. [does a slightly better Cagneyimitation] You dirty rat! You killed my brother![Sarge, Wolinski and the third American soldier,Washington, crack up at the imitation but the Germanshaven’t a clue who it is. They whisper and decide totake a guess.]
1st German: Ike. [The Americans instantly get tenseand raise their weapons at the Germans] No, not Ike.Uh, I meant, Walter Winchell. [pronounces the famousAmerican broadcaster’s name as “Valter Vinchell”]
Washington: Yeah! Say! That’s who I thought it waswhen I first heard it.
Sarge: [sighs, reluctantly] Well, okay. I guess youguys are okay. [the Americans relax and lower theirweapons] You know, you – you just can’t be toocareful, though. [Sarge takes out a pack of cigarettesand offers it to the Germans]
1st German: Cigarette?
Sarge: Yeah, here. [gives cigarettes to the Germans]
2nd German: You have to watch yourself very carefullyhere. Ya-hess!
Sarge: Yeah. Hey, you guys got a match?
1st German: Oh, yes.
Sarge: You know, we got plenty of cigarettes up here.They never send us any matches.
1st German: [lights cigarettes, hands matchbook toSarge] Mm. You can keep this.
Sarge: Hey, thanks a lot. [looks at matchbook] Hey,what’s this say? [reads aloud] Hofbrau Haus?
Wolinski: [peers over Sarge’s shoulder at matchbook] Berlin?
Sarge: Berlin! [The Americans grab their rifles, theGermans raise their hands in surrender, Wolinski andWashington pat down the Germans, looking for weapons]All right, krauts! Drop it, krauts! Drop it! Search’em! Watch out for booby traps!
Wolinski: Well, that was close, Sarge.
Sarge: That sure was.
Wolinski: These jerries almost got past us. [chuckles smugly]
Sarge: That’s right. But they didn’t! You just can’tbe too careful, you know? Ya can’t trust anybody!
Washington: That’s right. Say, Sarge, you know whatyou should have asked ’em? “Who is the manager of theCleveland Indians this year?” They couldn’t’veanswered that!
Sarge: Yeah. By the way, Washington … who is themanager of the Cleveland Indians this year?
Washington: Uh… you know, I’m not sure.[Sarge and Wolinski turn their rifles on Washingtonwho drops his weapon.]
Sarge: Drop it, Washington! Kraut! Drop it!
Washington: [hands raised in surrender, Wolinski patshim down] Huh?
Sarge: Drop it! All right, now, Wolinski?!
Wolinski: Yeah, Sarge?
Sarge: Who’s the manager of the Indians?
Wolinski: Heh, heh, I don’t know, Sarge.
Sarge: [points rifle at Wolinski who drops gun, raiseshands] Drop it! Drop it! I can’t believe it! My ownmen — lousy jerries! I don’t believe it! Just goes toshow you can’t trust anybody!
Wolinski: Hey, Sergeant.
Wolinski: Well, you mind if I ask you somethin’?
Wolinski: Who is the manager of Cleveland, uh, this year?
Sarge: It’s, uh … uhhh … [horrible realization] Oh, no. I’m a … [drops his rifle] … kraut! [raises his hands] [The five of them remain where they are — the Germansseated on their motorcycle, the Americans standingbeside it — with their hands in the air, as we pullback and fade out to applause and more ominousclimactic music.]