Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 3: Episode 12
E. Buzz Miller’s Animal Kingdom
E. Buzz Miller…..Dan Aykroyd
Christy Christina…..Larine Newman
E. Buzz Miller: Good evening, welcome to Public Access Cable Channel Z. This is E. Buzz Miller’s Animal Kingdom. I’m your host, E. Buzz Miller. And of course, our lovely guest to the left here, Miss Christy Christina, will be dancing at the Paradise Lounge all this week. And, uh.. Christy’s our expert on animal behavior, isn’t that right, Christy?
Christy Christina: [ giggles ] I guess so! [ giggles ]
E. Buzz Miller: Okay, enough talk, viewers. Let’s get right to this week’s exciting animal kingdom. Our first feature tonight is a frog couple you see here, they’re members of the reptile group of the animal kingdom. They may be cold-blooded, but it don’t stop ’em from having a lot of fun! [ Christy giggles ] Wouldn’t you say so, Christy?
Christy Christina: I don’t know.. I don’t think I’d like to be a frog! [ giggles ]
E. Buzz Miller: Well, Christy, let’s take a couple of looks at our little friends in the insect world – maybe you’ll see something you like. Here’s a ladybug. This is the beginning of their reproductive cycle. Look, it looks like he snuck up on her!
Christy Christina: Oh, I think she knew what was going on!
E. Buzz Miller: A couple of monarch butterflies with a new approach. Ever thought of hanging upside down from a milkweed plant.
Christy Christina: Oh, I’d be afraid of falling off! [ giggles ]
E. Buzz Miller: You wouldn’t have to worry, there’d be plenty to hang onto! [ laughs ] Now, here’s an often ignored member of the animal kingdom. Biologists call it the annalide – an earthworm, a common earthworm. They’re considered a primitive life form..
Christy Christina: That one has herpes! [ giggles ]
E. Buzz Miller: Yeah, that’s what it looks like, Christy. I think they got something going here, you know, because they got these spikes to help them grab onto each other, you know? And here, you’re gonna see them forming a mucus sac to exchange sperm. Now this is a biological fact – each of these worms has both male and female organs. Honest to God – they’re AC/DC!
Christy Christina: Kind of like Elton John! [ giggles ]
E. Buzz Miller: Right, Christy. Except, these worms do it with spikes. They’re the lowest form of life, but they really get off! They’re S/M switch hitters! How do you like that, Christy?
Christy Christina: Oh, I think it’s disgusting.
E. Buzz Miller: How about that one – 33 inches. You ever see a worm 33 inches long?
Christy Christina: I don’t know.
E. Buzz Miller: I’ll bet you don’t! [ laughs ] Okay, viewers, our final couple on Animal Kingdom, I think you’re gonna like this. See some salamanders in their natural environment, doing what makes the animal kingdom so exciting! And on that note, I’d like to say goodnight, on behalf of Christy and me, E. Buzz Miller, hoping you’ll take a cue from the animal kingdom and have a good time yourself tonight! Christy, I want to buy you a drink.
Christy Christina: Okay, Buzz! [ giggles ] [ camera pans up over the set into the audience, stops at woman with SUPER: “Dangerous When Entertained” ] [ fade ]