SNL Transcripts: Art Garfunkel: 03/11/78: Modern Crimes


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 3: Episode 13

77m: Art Garfunkel / Stephen Bishop

Modern Crimes

Grave Robbers…..Dan Aykroyd, John Belushi
Policeman…..Bill Murray
Charlie Chaplin…..Gilda Radner

[ open on graphic card ]

Announcer: “Jacques Cousteau Gets an Undersea Enema” will not be seen tonight, so that NBC can present the following special program.

[ fade to black ] [ open on black-and-white title card to silent film: “Modern Crimes” ] [ iris onto graverobbers carrying a corpse out of a cemetary ] [ Title Card: “Somewhere In Switzerland Two Grave Robbers Are Up to No Good” ] [ the grave robbers try to tug the corpse in opposite directions, then place the corpse on the ground and argue as a policeman stops in front of them ] [ Title Card: “No Loitering. This is Switzerland” ] [ the policeman waves his nightstick at them and continues on his way ] [ the two grave robbers panic ] [ Title Card: “Lets Get Out Of Here” ] [ the two grave robbers attempt to lift the cotpse, but accidentally unravel it instead to reveal… Charlie Chaplin ] [ they panic ] [ elsewhere, the policeman scratches his head ] [ Title Card: “Something’s Rotten In The State Of Switzerland” ] [ the policeman walks back to the cemetary, where the two grave robbers sit with Chaplin’s corpse on a bench and smoke cigarettes ] [ the policeman snarls ] [ Title Card: “Move Along Now” ] [ the tow grave robbers lift Chaplin’s corpse, with two cigarettes in his mouth, then Chaplin opens his eyes and speaks ] [ Title Card: “Live From New York, Its Saturday Night” ] [ the two grave robbers are stunned, as Chaplin smiles proudly ]

SNL Transcripts | Special Cable TV Promotions |

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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