Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 3: Episode 13
77m: Art Garfunkel / Stephen Bishop
Modern Crimes
Grave Robbers…..Dan Aykroyd, John Belushi
Policeman…..Bill Murray
Charlie Chaplin…..Gilda Radner
[ open on graphic card ]
Announcer: “Jacques Cousteau Gets an Undersea Enema” will not be seen tonight, so that NBC can present the following special program.
[ fade to black ]
[ open on black-and-white title card to silent film: “Modern Crimes” ]
[ iris onto graverobbers carrying a corpse out of a cemetary ]
[ Title Card: “Somewhere In Switzerland Two Grave Robbers Are Up to No Good” ]
[ the grave robbers try to tug the corpse in opposite directions, then place the corpse on the ground and argue as a policeman stops in front of them ]
[ Title Card: “No Loitering. This is Switzerland” ]
[ the policeman waves his nightstick at them and continues on his way ]
[ the two grave robbers panic ]
[ Title Card: “Lets Get Out Of Here” ]
[ the two grave robbers attempt to lift the cotpse, but accidentally unravel it instead to reveal… Charlie Chaplin ]
[ they panic ]
[ elsewhere, the policeman scratches his head ]
[ Title Card: “Something’s Rotten In The State Of Switzerland” ]
[ the policeman walks back to the cemetary, where the two grave robbers sit with Chaplin’s corpse on a bench and smoke cigarettes ]
[ the policeman snarls ]
[ Title Card: “Move Along Now” ]
[ the tow grave robbers lift Chaplin’s corpse, with two cigarettes in his mouth, then Chaplin opens his eyes and speaks ]
[ Title Card: “Live From New York, Its Saturday Night” ]
[ the two grave robbers are stunned, as Chaplin smiles proudly ]
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