Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 3: Episode 13
Steve Parrish…..John Belushi
Angus Stanley…..Art Garfunkel
Dr. Bob…..Tom Davis
Tatum O’Neill’s Uncle…..Jim Downey
Jerry Eldini…..Bill Murray
Paul Stanley…..Dan Aykroyd
Other Fans…..Nil Nichols, Rosie Shuster
[ open on on the backdoor entrance to a KISS concert ]
Steve Parrish: Listen! Listen to me! Everybody stay behind the barricade! Stay behind the barricade! If you’re NOT on the guest list, don’t come NEAR me! Nobody gets in unless he’s on the GUEST LIST! Is that understood?![ Groupie saunters forward and reaches for the door ]
Steve Parrish: Wait a minute! Hold it, hold it! Can I help you?
Groupie: [ she sighs ] Alright, listen, man, you know — uh — I flew all the way from Los Angeles —
Steve Parrish: Mmm-hmm?
Groupie: And… I couldn’t get a ticket, you know? And, like, KISS is my FAVORITE group. I have to get in!
Steve Parrish: I’m sorry, you can’t get in!
Groupie: Oh, look, um… I’m a friend of Peter Cris’s, okay? I mean… he took me home once. Alright? And, listen… I mean, if you let me in, maybe later, we could…?
Steve Parrish: Get out of here, and DON’T come back!
Groupie: Oh, God, man! You know, I didn’t know KISS had such JERKS for roadies!
Steve Parrish: GET LOOOOST!![ she storms off, as Angus approaches ]
Angus Stanley: Uh, excuse me? I’m Paul Stanley’s brother. It’s his birthday tonight, I’m in the Air Force and I bailed out over the city to get here.
Steve Parrish: [ rubbing his chin ] Gee… that’s the best one I’ve heard all night. [ Jonas cackles ] What’s your name?
Angus Stanley: Angus Stanley.
Steve Parrish: Is, uh… “Angus Stanley” on the list, Jonas?
Jonas: [ looking ] Uh… no!
Steve Parrish: Alright, you’re not on the list, so, uh… would you mind standing back there? And if your “brother” comes out, he’ll “see” you. Okay, pal?
Angus Stanley: C’mon, man… Can I send a message back to him?
Steve Parrish: NO!![ a scraggly-looking man wheels a nitrogen tank toward the door ]
Steve Parrish: Hey! Where are you going?
Dr. Bob: Uh, it’s okay. I’m Dr. Bob. I’m on the list.
Steve Parrish: [ to Joans ] Is “Dr. Bob” on the list?
Jonas: [ looking ] Yeah! With a star next to it!
Steve Parrish: Okay, go on in, Dr. Bob.[ the crowd goes nuts as he opens the door for Dr. Bob — “Rock and Roll All Nite” can be heard blaring from inside ]
Steve Parrish: HEY, STAY BACK!!
Angus Stanley: [ calling after Dr. Bob ] If you see Paul, will you tell him his brother’s out here?!
Dr. Bob: Paul Stanley?
Angus Stanley: Yeah![ Steve slams the door shut, as a man casually walks up to the door ]
Steve Parrish: Excuse me! Who are you?
Tatum O’Neal’s Uncle: I’m Ryan O’Neal’s brother. [ he holds up his KISS pass ]
Steve Parrish: Ohhhhh, you’re, uh… Tatum O’Neal’s uncle? [ the man nods ] Go right in. [ he opens the door ]
Angus Stanley: [ calling after the man ] Can you tell Paul — the lead guitarist — his brother’s out here…?
Steve Parrish: Look, pal —
Jonas: Now, who is Ryan O’Neal…?[ Stephen Bishop rushes forward ]
Steve Parrish: Excuse me.
Stephen Bishop: Uhhh… I’m Stephen Bishop. Uh, I just got in town, I thought I’d catch a show.
Steve Parrish: Are you on the guest list?
Stephen Bishop: No. no. I — you know — I have a hit song, “On and On”?
Steve Parrish: [ confused ] “On and On”…?
Stephen Bishop: [ singing ] “Down in Jamaica…”
Steve Parrish: [ singing ] “Down in Jamaica…” Yeah? Did you write that song?
Stephen Bishop: Yeah!
Steve Parrish: I hate it! Now, get out of here! Go! Get out![ he pushes Bishop away, as Jerry Aldini saunters forward ]
Jerry Aldini: Excuse me.
Steve Parrish: Yeah?
Jerry Aldini: Hi. Jerry Aldini, with a guest.
Steve Parrish: Jerry Aldini, Jonas?
Jonas: [ looking ] Uhhhhh… no.
Steve Parrish: I’m sorry, you’re gonna have to stand behind the barricades, your name’s not on the list.
Jerry Aldini: Excuse me a second. I’m Jerry Aldini, I’m A&R for Poly-Sutra Records, uh, KISS’s new label.
Steve Parrish: I’m sorry, you are NOT on the list, Sir! I’m doing my JOB, you’re not on the list!
Jill: I can’t believe they’re treating Jerry Aldini this way!
Jerry Aldini: Alright, hold on. Uh — Is Lou Adler or Herb Asoff inside? I play tennis with both of them.
Steve Parrish: Now, MOVE! Get behind the barrier! Come on, pal!
Jill: He really IS Jerry Aldini!
Steve Parrish: I don’t care!
Jerry Aldini: Buddy, what’s your name, huh?
Steve Parrish: Steve Parrish.
Jerry Aldini: Alright. Well, if Lou Adler or Herb Asoff comes out and says: “Is Jerry Aldini here?” You say, “Yes, he was… but I, Steve “I’ll Never Work in This Business Again” Parrish, sent him away.” Okay? Jill, let’s get out of this firetrap! [ he smacks Steve with a scarf and leaves ]
Steve Parrish: Just kiss my…[ suddenly, the door starts to open ]
Jonas: Hey, what’s going…?[ Paul Stanley steps outside, as the crowd goes wild ]
Paul Stanley: [ spotting Angus ] Hey, man!! You made it, man!! You made it!! WOW!! You actually PARACHUTED!! Far out!! Come on in![ Paul Stanley sticks his tongue out for the crowd, then returns inside with Angus ]
Steve Parrish: Alright, alright… It’s all over, relax! Take it easy! [ to Jonas ] I guess everything’s under control here. Listen, I’m gonna go backstage and get a beer.
Jonas: Wait a minute. Uh, what’s your name again?
Steve Parrish: What do you mean, “What’s my name again?”
Jonas: What’s your name again?
Steve Parrish: My name’s Steve Parrish. I’m the Road Manager.
Jonas: [ looking ] Uh… sorry, “Steve Parrish” is not on the list!
Steve Parrish: [ outraged ] Not on the list?! What do you mean it’s not on the list?![ Steve pushes Jonas aside and rushes through the door, letting some crazed fans slip in with him ] [ pan up to reveal audience in bleachers, with SUPER: “coming up next… The Anorexia Cookbook” [ [ fade ]