Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 3: Episode 13
Art Garfunkel’s Monologue
Art Garfunkel: Can we stop? Can we do it again? I’m sorry, the speakerwent bad. It sounded weird, right?
John Belushi: [ enters ] What’s the matter, Art? Did something go wrong?
Art Garfunkel: The feedback.. the speaker threw me a little bit. Letme start again..
John Belushi: Oh, the speaker again, huh? [ kicks speaker down ] Thiswhole place is falling apart, really.
Art Garfunkel: John, it’s all right, really.
John Belushi: No it’s not all right! It’s not all right! The speaker’sbeen broken for quite a while, they used it on “Hullabaloo” a few yearsback. You see, the network still sees us as a late night show, so we don’tget the good equipment.
Art Garfunkel: Uh, John..
John Belushi: You know, it’s a corporate structure, I don’t want totalk about it. You know, I’ve been around here for three years, so I knowthese things. Now, if Paul Williams was doing a special, he’d get the bestsound equipment, he’d get martial amps, you know, they’d do it like.. [ looksat back of stage ] ..pros! Do you know what I mean guys? Pros! You know. Butif a major star, like yourself, goes on Saturday Night Live, the speakerfeeds back. It’s the lowest!
Art Garfunkel: It’s alright, John.
John Belushi: No, it goes all the way down the line, Artie. The speaker’sthe tip of the iceberg. I mean, they’re using us! And it just shouldn’tbe that way. There’s no reason why Garret Morris should have to get upearly so he can drive Jane Pauley to work on Monday. You know, I’ve hadit! The speaker thing, it’s the last straw!
Art Garfunkel: I don’t want to start anything. The sound wasn’t thatbad. I could just take it from the top..
John Belushi: Don’t do it, Artie. Come on, don’t do this. Don’t givein an inch. Come on, let’s assert ourselves. And we’ve both done a prettygood job for this network. And besides, there are other networks. That’sright, and there are other networks. NBC Isn’t God, you think NBC’s God,well they’re not, because God would never put Part 3 of Loose Change onbefore Part 2. Okay, stick with me, Artie, stck with me. Let’s get outof here. Come on..
Art Garfunkel: John, look, it was an honest error, maybe I was off-keya little bit. I don’t want to start any trouble. I’ve been honored to ahost on the show, everyone’s been nice to me all week, let’s not make waves.Just let me do the song from the top.
John Belushi: You’re really something, Garfunkel. you really are. Youknow, I didn’t have to come out here. I didn’t see Gilda or Danny cometo your aid when your song went down the toilet. Oh no, you know, it wasme. I came out here, I didn’t have to. I could have stayed in my dressingroom, by myself, and let you die out here alone. But nooooo! I gottacome out here and help you, and what do you do? You turn on me like a shark!
Art Garfunkel: Come on, John it’s not..
John Belushi: Don’t “Come on John” me! You’re like all the rest.Look what happened to you, Mister big recording star, you sold out! I rememberwhen you used to sing songs, song with meaning, songs with integrity, thelyrics meant something. Like “The Boxer”. A song about street people, loneliness.[ singing ] “La-la-Laa, la-la-laa-la-la-la-la-la-la.” That meantsomething to people, but are you singing that now? Noooooooo! No, you’re alittle successful, so what do you do? You drop Paul Simon like a hotpotato, and now you’re singing some Sam Cooke song.. [ mimics Garfunkel ] “Idon’t care to be an A-student, but I try to be..” I mean I like those lyrics, thoseare great lyrics, really good lyrics. Really good, good lyrics, good song. Go ahead withyour song.. [ sarcastically ] ..Mr. LP. Big man, go ahead. [ starts to leave ]
Art Garfunkel: Okay, from the top..
John Belushi: [ returns back ] Oh, by the way, nice hair, Artie.[ Belushi leaves again, as Garfunkel resumes “(What a) Wonderful World” ]
Art Garfunkel: We’ll be right back.
Submitted by: Tony DuMont