Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 3: Episode 13
Tom Snyder…..Dan Aykroyd
Andy Strauss…..Art Garfunkel
[ open on “Tomorrow” graphics ] [ dissolve to Tom Snyder ]
Tom Snyder: Hello, everybody. At the outset of tonight’s program, I just — without bringing anybody to town, of course — I just want to relate a personal tragedy that happened in my life, certainly. When we moved out here to Southern California, I expected, of course, to miss all the snow they’re having back east and to the north. Today, I woke up, found my whole car covered from a mudslide due to the torrential rains we’ve been having here in Southern California. So I guess that just proves it — you can take it from ME: The weather is EVERYWHERE![ he stubs his cigarette ]
Tom Snyder: Tonight on our show, we’re gonna be dealing with a subject that’s been a considerable concern to people in both legal and medical professions. It’s been getting a LOT of attention in the press lately. I’m talking, of ocurse, about BATTERED HUSBANDS! And, uh — [ he coughs into his hand ] Excuse me. Tonight, we have with us a battered husband, a gentleman who will be calling “Frank”. Franks has asked us not to reveal his real identity or show his face, because — [ he scoffs ] Well, let’s face it — If I were embarrassed of my wife, I’d be a little embarrassed myself! [ he laughs uproariously ] Frank, why don’t you tell us: How the HECK does a guy get to be a battered husband, anyway?[ reveal “Frank” submerged in the dark ]
Guest: Well, Tom… my first wife beat me fifteen years ago, after she found me… found me masturbating. She, uh, poured boiling water on me and hit me in the face with a baseball bat. Sh-she’s beaten me ever since, and I live in constant terror.
Tom Snyder: Of your life, Sir?
Guest: Yes… but, also, in terror that my friends and neigbors and colleagues at work will discover the humiliating truth that… I-I am a battered husband. You know, I’ve never been able to speak to anyone about this before, and I’m — I’m here today, anonymously, to help other men who are living in this dark, tortured, private hell. I want to show them that there are others who masturbate and cry alone in the dark, out of shame and fear.
Tom Snyder: Okay, Sir, I’ll buy that, Andy! Uh — I’m sorry. “Frank.” [ he chcukles nervously ] Your name’s not Andy, it’s… It’s not Frank, either! It’s neither Frank nor Andy, but whatever your name is, it’s certainly not ANDY! Alright, uh — Andy. Not Andy. Alright — Mr. Strauss. Uh — Sorry! [ he chuckles nervously ] Your name’s not Andy Strauss! I once knew a guy in local radio, his name was Andy Strauss — the name just popped into my head! [ he adjusts himself in his seat ] Now, uh, could you describe your wife, physically?
Guest: I — I’d rather not give any information that could reveal my identity.
Tom Snyder: Well… would it be safe to say that she weighs less than 120 pounds?
Tom Snyder: And you, Sir, are an able-bodied man. You look to be about 155, 160 pounds. Six feet tall! My question to you, Sir, is: Why the heck don’t you just get up some morning and KICK the living daylights out of her?!
Guest: Well, I’m afraid that she’ll withhold sex.
Tom Snyder: So she’s the type of gal who would use sex as a weapon?
Guest: Well, that’s right… Sometimes she tells me to “go get sex elsewhere.”
Tom Snyder: Well, Frank — do ya’?
Tom Snyder: Well, why not?
Guest: I can’t…
Tom Snyder: Well, sir — You’re not an unattractive man. I mean, he’s got nice delicate-looking features, a nice complexion, a birthmark there under your left eye… You mean to say you can’t get some BIMBO to take a roll in yhe hay with ya’?!
Guest: Well… the problem is, I’m impotent with women other than my wife.
Tom Snyder: Okay, let’s see if we’ve got this straight here: I’m the owner of a Strauss Construction machinery dealership in Bennington, Vermont… I’m sorry — You’re not from Bennington, Vermont, it’s another town entirely… And you’re in the construction machinery business, and, Frank, you’re regularly beaten by your wife. We’ve established that. And husband-beating is a very serious thing. This is serious. We’re not fooling around here. FRank had some pictures, which he showed me, and I took the liberty of having one blown up. [ he holds up a photo ] He’s SO battered here, you’d NEVER recognize him…
Guest: Wait! That’s my face! They’ll see my face! [ he jolts out of the darkness to cover his photo, revealing his face anyway ]
Tom Snyder: They’re seeing your face right now![ Frank covers his face ashamedly ]
Tom Snyder: You should have just sat there in the dark! I told you! You’ve blown it now! We might as well call you Andy — What the heck, the cat’s out of the bag! It’s all for the best, I guess. Ladies and gentlemen, in case you don’t know what’s going on here, we’ve been talking to Andy Strauss. He runs a Strauss Construction machinery dealership in Bennington, Vermont, with his brother Paul. He’s afraid if his wife, he cries in the dark, and he’s a battered masturbator! That’s about it, thank you very much. You’re welcome to come back ANY TIME, any time at all.
Guest: [ crying ] You’ve RUINED my life!
Tom Snyder: Well… sure, I guess I’ve ruined your life. Fair enough, I’ll buy that, Andy. [ Andy crawls off the set ] Ladies and gentlemen — Good night! We’ll see you tomorrow on the show! tune in, I’m gonna be talking about my eyebrows — I’m losing my eyebrows, and I want to talk a little bit about that. Thank you, everybody.[ camera pulls up into audience, zooms in on woman with SUPER: “Overdrawn At Memory Bank” ] [ fade ]