SNL Transcripts: Art Garfunkel: 03/11/78: Tomorrow


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 3: Episode 13

77m: Art Garfunkel / Stephen Bishop


Tom Snyder…..Dan Aykroyd
Andy Strauss…..Art Garfunkel

[ open on “Tomorrow” graphics ] [ dissolve to Tom Snyder ]

Tom Snyder: Hello, everybody. At the outset of tonight’s program, I just — without bringing anybody to town, of course — I just want to relate a personal tragedy that happened in my life, certainly. When we moved out here to Southern California, I expected, of course, to miss all the snow they’re having back east and to the north. Today, I woke up, found my whole car covered from a mudslide due to the torrential rains we’ve been having here in Southern California. So I guess that just proves it — you can take it from ME: The weather is EVERYWHERE!

[ he stubs his cigarette ]

Tom Snyder: Tonight on our show, we’re gonna be dealing with a subject that’s been a considerable concern to people in both legal and medical professions. It’s been getting a LOT of attention in the press lately. I’m talking, of ocurse, about BATTERED HUSBANDS! And, uh — [ he coughs into his hand ] Excuse me. Tonight, we have with us a battered husband, a gentleman who will be calling “Frank”. Franks has asked us not to reveal his real identity or show his face, because — [ he scoffs ] Well, let’s face it — If I were embarrassed of my wife, I’d be a little embarrassed myself! [ he laughs uproariously ] Frank, why don’t you tell us: How the HECK does a guy get to be a battered husband, anyway?

[ reveal “Frank” submerged in the dark ]

Guest: Well, Tom… my first wife beat me fifteen years ago, after she found me… found me masturbating. She, uh, poured boiling water on me and hit me in the face with a baseball bat. Sh-she’s beaten me ever since, and I live in constant terror.

Tom Snyder: Of your life, Sir?

Guest: Yes… but, also, in terror that my friends and neigbors and colleagues at work will discover the humiliating truth that… I-I am a battered husband. You know, I’ve never been able to speak to anyone about this before, and I’m — I’m here today, anonymously, to help other men who are living in this dark, tortured, private hell. I want to show them that there are others who masturbate and cry alone in the dark, out of shame and fear.

Tom Snyder: Okay, Sir, I’ll buy that, Andy! Uh — I’m sorry. “Frank.” [ he chcukles nervously ] Your name’s not Andy, it’s… It’s not Frank, either! It’s neither Frank nor Andy, but whatever your name is, it’s certainly not ANDY! Alright, uh — Andy. Not Andy. Alright — Mr. Strauss. Uh — Sorry! [ he chuckles nervously ] Your name’s not Andy Strauss! I once knew a guy in local radio, his name was Andy Strauss — the name just popped into my head! [ he adjusts himself in his seat ] Now, uh, could you describe your wife, physically?

Guest: I — I’d rather not give any information that could reveal my identity.

Tom Snyder: Well… would it be safe to say that she weighs less than 120 pounds?

Guest: …Yes.

Tom Snyder: And you, Sir, are an able-bodied man. You look to be about 155, 160 pounds. Six feet tall! My question to you, Sir, is: Why the heck don’t you just get up some morning and KICK the living daylights out of her?!

Guest: Well, I’m afraid that she’ll withhold sex.

Tom Snyder: So she’s the type of gal who would use sex as a weapon?

Guest: Well, that’s right… Sometimes she tells me to “go get sex elsewhere.”

Tom Snyder: Well, Frank — do ya’?

Guest: …No.

Tom Snyder: Well, why not?

Guest: I can’t

Tom Snyder: Well, sir — You’re not an unattractive man. I mean, he’s got nice delicate-looking features, a nice complexion, a birthmark there under your left eye… You mean to say you can’t get some BIMBO to take a roll in yhe hay with ya’?!

Guest: Well… the problem is, I’m impotent with women other than my wife.

Tom Snyder: Okay, let’s see if we’ve got this straight here: I’m the owner of a Strauss Construction machinery dealership in Bennington, Vermont… I’m sorry — You’re not from Bennington, Vermont, it’s another town entirely… And you’re in the construction machinery business, and, Frank, you’re regularly beaten by your wife. We’ve established that. And husband-beating is a very serious thing. This is serious. We’re not fooling around here. FRank had some pictures, which he showed me, and I took the liberty of having one blown up. [ he holds up a photo ] He’s SO battered here, you’d NEVER recognize him…

Guest: Wait! That’s my face! They’ll see my face! [ he jolts out of the darkness to cover his photo, revealing his face anyway ]

Tom Snyder: They’re seeing your face right now!

[ Frank covers his face ashamedly ]

Tom Snyder: You should have just sat there in the dark! I told you! You’ve blown it now! We might as well call you Andy — What the heck, the cat’s out of the bag! It’s all for the best, I guess. Ladies and gentlemen, in case you don’t know what’s going on here, we’ve been talking to Andy Strauss. He runs a Strauss Construction machinery dealership in Bennington, Vermont, with his brother Paul. He’s afraid if his wife, he cries in the dark, and he’s a battered masturbator! That’s about it, thank you very much. You’re welcome to come back ANY TIME, any time at all.

Guest: [ crying ] You’ve RUINED my life!

Tom Snyder: Well… sure, I guess I’ve ruined your life. Fair enough, I’ll buy that, Andy. [ Andy crawls off the set ] Ladies and gentlemen — Good night! We’ll see you tomorrow on the show! tune in, I’m gonna be talking about my eyebrows — I’m losing my eyebrows, and I want to talk a little bit about that. Thank you, everybody.

[ camera pulls up into audience, zooms in on woman with SUPER: “Overdrawn At Memory Bank” ] [ fade ]

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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