SNL Transcripts: Jill Clayburgh: 03/18/78: The Coneheads on Earth

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 3: Episode 14

77n: Jill Clayburgh / Leon Redbone

The Coneheads on Earth

Student…..Jill Clayburgh
Connie Conehead…..Laraine Newman
Prymaat Conehead…..Jane Curtin
Beldar Conehead…..Dan Aykroyd
Ronnie…..Bill Murray

[ open in interior, motel room, Student smoking a cigarette in bed ]

Student: You might not believe this, but.. this is the first time I’ve ever done this in a motel. I mean, I just split with my old man, and we were really tight. The only reason I’m here tonight is that I think you’re really.. “special”.

[ Beldar Conehead steps out of the bathroom, and lights up an entire pack of cigarettes ]

Beldar Conehead: “Special”?

[ SUPER: “The Coneheads On Earth” ]

Student: Ye-eah.. Oh, I’ve never been with anyone from France before! [ playing with Beldar’s Sensor Ring ] Hey, what do you call these things again?

Beldar Conehead: Sensor Rings.

Student: Sensor Rings! Yeah! Wow! Well, anyway, they made it really beautiful! I mean.. really different! [ Beldar begins to get dressed ] Hey, what’s happening, Beldar? Are you splitting on me, or what?

Beldar Conehead: Prymaat must not discover that a human has administered the Sensor Rings!

Student: Oh.. Prymaat. I bet that’s your old lady, huh?

Beldar Conehead: Correct! She is my spousal unit, chosen by the larthron spheres of Mypzor!

Student: Yeah, yeah, I had a heavy thing happening with my old man, too. Well, I suppose we’ll see each other at our next driving lesson..

Beldar Conehead: Correct!

Student: [ sighs ] Couldn’t you just make up some old story for your old lady? You know, so we could spend the entire night together? I mean, it’s not such a big risk..

Beldar Conehead: [ jumps up, enraged ] NO, foolish one! Prymaat and I are the Timekeepers of Remulak! We must fulfill our mission to seize and establish your miserable little planet as a minor refueling station for the High Master’s star cruiser! Besides.. if she found out, she’d kill me!

Student: Okay, Beldar, that’s cool. At least let me slip you one before you go. [ Beldar agrees, as she puts the Sensor Ring over his cone ]

[ dissolve to the Conehead Family living room, Prymaat staring at the phone as Connie sits next to her ]

Connie Conehead: Mommy? I wish to consume mass quantities immediately. My human friend will be here soon to take me to a drive-in movie.

Prymaat Conehead: Drive-in movie?

Connie Conehead: Drive-in movie. A two-dimensional life projection of psycho-sexual release beams viewed from inside internal combustion vehicles.

Prymaat Conehead: Ahh! I remember when Beldar would take me to view ignaray formations under the azog pools on Remulak.

Connie Conehead: Yes, yes, I know. You’ve showed me your memory crystals. [stands ] I must go upstairs now and prepare my cone for my date. [ retreats upstairs ]

[ Beldar enters the front door ]

Beldar Conehead: Hello, honey. I’m home. [ silence between them ] What’s for mass consumption?

Prymaat Conehead: What’s this? Can’t you even touch cones when we come home now?

Beldar Conehead: Sorry. [ they touch cones ]

Prymaat Conehead: The pre-designated time coordinates for evening mass consumption has long since passed! Please communicate to me the reason for your delay!

Beldar Conehead: A large meteorite fell from the sky. I stopped to examine it. Yes, that’s it! A large meteorite!

Prymaat Conehead: That’s the third meteorite this month! [ notices his back ] Beldar! The Sensor Rings! [ pulls it from behind his back ] You have removed them from our sleep chamber! Unacceptable!

Beldar Conehead: No!

Prymaat Conehead: There are red markings on your cone! Unacceptable! Unacceptable! You have been with a human! Mip! Mip!

Beldar Conehead: Human?! Sensor Rings?! Mip! Mip!

Prymaat Conehead: Silence! Our young one approaches, she must not know!

Connie Conehead: [ re-enters ] Hi, Daddy! [ they touch cones ]

Prymaat Conehead: Let us consume mass quantities of your favorite meal! I have prepared it buffet-style.

[ they circle the dining stand ]

Beldar Conehead: Ah! Insect repellent strips and fiberglass insulation. [ eats ] Pass the fiberglass.

Prymaat Conehead: Mip!

Beldar Conehead: You don’t have to bite my cone off!

[ doorbell rings ]

Connie Conehead: Finally, my human date. I am glad he has arrived. [ opens door ] Hi, Ronnie! You have met my parental units.

Ronnie: Hi, Mr. & Mrs. Conehead! We’ve met before. Come on, I’m Ronnie Getsetter.

Beldar Conehead: Good evening! We invite you to consume mass quantities!

Ronnie: What are you having?

Connie Conehead: Petroleum insect strips, fiberglass insulation, and beer.

Ronnie: [ grossed out ] I just ate before I came over, thanks. But Iwill have some of this beer, uh.. if you don’t mind. [ packs up 4 or 5 of the six-packs ] We’re going to the movies, you know? Finally gonna see “Close Encounters”.

Beldar Conehead: “Close Encounters”?

Ronnie: Yeah. It’s a movie about UFOs.

Coneheads: UFOs! [ they laugh ]

Connie Conehead: Well. Good night, parental units.

Ronnie: Gee, thanks for the brewskis! [ they leave ]

Prymaat Conehead: [ sitting ] Beldar.. I understand physical urges. But, of all creatures, why a human? How could you?

Beldar Conehead: I don’t know, Prymaat. Sometimes my cone has a mind of its own, and I behave like a common flabrab!

Prymaat Conehead: Mip! Mip!

[ phone rings ]

Beldar Conehead: [ answers phone ] Greetings! Prymaat? I will summon her. Prymaat.

Prymaat Conehead: [ takes the phone ] Greetings. [ eyes grow wide ] Jerry!

Beldar Conehead: Jerry?

Prymaat Conehead: I instructed you never to call me here! Mip! Mip!

Beldar Conehead: [ outraged ] Jerry! Mip! You have also been with a human! Mip! Prymaat, we must resist these humans!

Prymaat Conehead: Yes, I agree. We must remember humans are inferior beings, they must not be permitted to interfere with our mission.

Beldar Conehead: Correct! Let us solidify our meetings! Besides, no one gives cone like you!

Prymaat Conehead: [ touching cones ] Beldar, I haven’t heard you talk that way since the Moons of Mipzor. Let’s hone our cones right here on the floor.

Beldar Conehead: I agree!

[ the toss Sensor Rings onto each other cones, as the scene pans out ] [ SUPER: “Coming Up: Is Electricity Just A Hoax?” ] [ fade to black ]

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Did they ever say “People of the Earth”? Or did I imagine it?

If yes, is there a link? Or an episode?