SNL Transcripts: Jill Clayburgh: 03/18/78: The Coneheads on Earth



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 3: Episode 14









77n: Jill Clayburgh / Leon Redbone

The Coneheads on Earth

Student…..Jill Clayburgh
Connie Conehead…..Laraine Newman
Prymaat Conehead…..Jane Curtin
Beldar Conehead…..Dan Aykroyd
Ronnie…..Bill Murray

[ open in interior, motel room, Student smoking a cigarette in bed ]

Student: You might not believe this, but.. this is the first time I’ve ever done this in a motel. I mean, I just split with my old man, and we were really tight. The only reason I’m here tonight is that I think you’re really.. “special”.

[ Beldar Conehead steps out of the bathroom, and lights up an entire pack of cigarettes ]

Beldar Conehead: “Special”?

[ SUPER: “The Coneheads On Earth” ]

Student: Ye-eah.. Oh, I’ve never been with anyone from France before! [ playing with Beldar’s Sensor Ring ] Hey, what do you call these things again?

Beldar Conehead: Sensor Rings.

Student: Sensor Rings! Yeah! Wow! Well, anyway, they made it really beautiful! I mean.. really different! [ Beldar begins to get dressed ] Hey, what’s happening, Beldar? Are you splitting on me, or what?

Beldar Conehead: Prymaat must not discover that a human has administered the Sensor Rings!

Student: Oh.. Prymaat. I bet that’s your old lady, huh?

Beldar Conehead: Correct! She is my spousal unit, chosen by the larthron spheres of Mypzor!

Student: Yeah, yeah, I had a heavy thing happening with my old man, too. Well, I suppose we’ll see each other at our next driving lesson..

Beldar Conehead: Correct!

Student: [ sighs ] Couldn’t you just make up some old story for your old lady? You know, so we could spend the entire night together? I mean, it’s not such a big risk..

Beldar Conehead: [ jumps up, enraged ] NO, foolish one! Prymaat and I are the Timekeepers of Remulak! We must fulfill our mission to seize and establish your miserable little planet as a minor refueling station for the High Master’s star cruiser! Besides.. if she found out, she’d kill me!

Student: Okay, Beldar, that’s cool. At least let me slip you one before you go. [ Beldar agrees, as she puts the Sensor Ring over his cone ]

[ dissolve to the Conehead Family living room, Prymaat staring at the phone as Connie sits next to her ]

Connie Conehead: Mommy? I wish to consume mass quantities immediately. My human friend will be here soon to take me to a drive-in movie.

Prymaat Conehead: Drive-in movie?

Connie Conehead: Drive-in movie. A two-dimensional life projection of psycho-sexual release beams viewed from inside internal combustion vehicles.

Prymaat Conehead: Ahh! I remember when Beldar would take me to view ignaray formations under the azog pools on Remulak.

Connie Conehead: Yes, yes, I know. You’ve showed me your memory crystals. [stands ] I must go upstairs now and prepare my cone for my date. [ retreats upstairs ]

[ Beldar enters the front door ]

Beldar Conehead: Hello, honey. I’m home. [ silence between them ] What’s for mass consumption?

Prymaat Conehead: What’s this? Can’t you even touch cones when we come home now?

Beldar Conehead: Sorry. [ they touch cones ]

Prymaat Conehead: The pre-designated time coordinates for evening mass consumption has long since passed! Please communicate to me the reason for your delay!

Beldar Conehead: A large meteorite fell from the sky. I stopped to examine it. Yes, that’s it! A large meteorite!

Prymaat Conehead: That’s the third meteorite this month! [ notices his back ] Beldar! The Sensor Rings! [ pulls it from behind his back ] You have removed them from our sleep chamber! Unacceptable!

Beldar Conehead: No!

Prymaat Conehead: There are red markings on your cone! Unacceptable! Unacceptable! You have been with a human! Mip! Mip!

Beldar Conehead: Human?! Sensor Rings?! Mip! Mip!

Prymaat Conehead: Silence! Our young one approaches, she must not know!

Connie Conehead: [ re-enters ] Hi, Daddy! [ they touch cones ]

Prymaat Conehead: Let us consume mass quantities of your favorite meal! I have prepared it buffet-style.

[ they circle the dining stand ]

Beldar Conehead: Ah! Insect repellent strips and fiberglass insulation. [ eats ] Pass the fiberglass.

Prymaat Conehead: Mip!

Beldar Conehead: You don’t have to bite my cone off!

[ doorbell rings ]

Connie Conehead: Finally, my human date. I am glad he has arrived. [ opens door ] Hi, Ronnie! You have met my parental units.

Ronnie: Hi, Mr. & Mrs. Conehead! We’ve met before. Come on, I’m Ronnie Getsetter.

Beldar Conehead: Good evening! We invite you to consume mass quantities!

Ronnie: What are you having?

Connie Conehead: Petroleum insect strips, fiberglass insulation, and beer.

Ronnie: [ grossed out ] I just ate before I came over, thanks. But Iwill have some of this beer, uh.. if you don’t mind. [ packs up 4 or 5 of the six-packs ] We’re going to the movies, you know? Finally gonna see “Close Encounters”.

Beldar Conehead: “Close Encounters”?

Ronnie: Yeah. It’s a movie about UFOs.

Coneheads: UFOs! [ they laugh ]

Connie Conehead: Well. Good night, parental units.

Ronnie: Gee, thanks for the brewskis! [ they leave ]

Prymaat Conehead: [ sitting ] Beldar.. I understand physical urges. But, of all creatures, why a human? How could you?

Beldar Conehead: I don’t know, Prymaat. Sometimes my cone has a mind of its own, and I behave like a common flabrab!

Prymaat Conehead: Mip! Mip!

[ phone rings ]

Beldar Conehead: [ answers phone ] Greetings! Prymaat? I will summon her. Prymaat.

Prymaat Conehead: [ takes the phone ] Greetings. [ eyes grow wide ] Jerry!

Beldar Conehead: Jerry?

Prymaat Conehead: I instructed you never to call me here! Mip! Mip!

Beldar Conehead: [ outraged ] Jerry! Mip! You have also been with a human! Mip! Prymaat, we must resist these humans!

Prymaat Conehead: Yes, I agree. We must remember humans are inferior beings, they must not be permitted to interfere with our mission.

Beldar Conehead: Correct! Let us solidify our meetings! Besides, no one gives cone like you!

Prymaat Conehead: [ touching cones ] Beldar, I haven’t heard you talk that way since the Moons of Mipzor. Let’s hone our cones right here on the floor.

Beldar Conehead: I agree!

[ the toss Sensor Rings onto each other cones, as the scene pans out ] [ SUPER: “Coming Up: Is Electricity Just A Hoax?” ] [ fade to black ]

SNL Transcripts

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King is directing his fourteenth season of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him nine Emmys and thirteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for thirteen DGA Awards and won in 2014, 2016, 2017, 2018 and 2019. Mr. King is also the creative director of Broadway Worldwide which brings theatrical events to theaters. The company has produced Smokey Joe’s Café; Putting It Together with Carol Burnett; Jekyll & Hyde; and Memphis, all directed by Mr. King. He completed the screen capture of Broadway's Romeo & Juliet in 2013. - LinkedIn

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Did they ever say “People of the Earth”? Or did I imagine it?

If yes, is there a link? Or an episode?

Thanks!