SNL Transcripts: Jill Clayburgh: 03/18/78: Olympia Cafe


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 3: Episode 14

77n: Jill Clayburgh / Leon Redbone

Olympia Cafe

Pete Dionasopolis…..John Belushi
George…..Dan Aykroyd
Nico…..Bill Murray
Sandy…..Laraine Newman
New Waitress…..Jill Clayburgh
Male Customer…..Garrett Morris
Female Customer…..Gilda Radner
Benefit Lady…..Jane Curtin

[A busy diner owned by the blustering, mustachioedPete Dionasopolis. He rings up a sale on his cashregister. Greek music plays quietly in the backgroundthroughout the sketch. The phone rings and Peteanswers:]

Pete: [into phone] Hello, Olympia Cafe! … [yells toGeorge, the cook] Cheeseburger! Cheeseburger!Cheeseburger! Cheeseburger!

George: Cheeseburger! Cheeseburger! Cheeseburger!Cheeseburger!

Pete: [into phone] No. No fries, chips. … [yells toNico, the counterman] Four chip!

Nico: Four chip!

Pete: [into phone] What to drink? No Coke. Pepsi. …[yells to Nico] Four Pepsi!

Nico: Four Pepsi!

Pete: [into phone] All right.

[Sandy, the stern, dark-haired waitress is training anawkward new employee.]

Sandy: [to the new waitress] Just do what I do, huh?[demonstrates what to say to the others] Cheeseburger!

New Waitress: Cheeseburger!

Sandy: Cheeseburger!

New Waitress: Cheeseburger!

Sandy: Cheeseburger!

New Waitress: Cheeseburger!

George: Cheeseburger! Cheeseburger! Cheeseburger!

Sandy: Three chip!

New Waitress: Three chip!

Sandy: Three Pepsi!

New Waitress: Three Pepsi!

Nico: Three chip! Three Pepsi!

Male Customer: [paying his bill, to Pete at the cashregister] I see that you are training another newwaitress again.

Pete: [making change] Yeah. But she won’t stay. Theyall want money! You know? Even him! [indicates Nicowho stands by, grinning stupidly] I bring him overfrom Greece. I give him free food. A nice place tosleep in the back. But, even now, he’s always askingfor money! Ehh! [pushes Nico back to work] Come on,get out of here.

Sandy: Cheeseburger!

New Waitress: Cheeseburger!

Sandy: Cheeseburger!

New Waitress: Cheeseburger!

George: Cheeseburger! Cheeseburger!

Sandy: Two chip!

New Waitress: Two chip!

Sandy: Two Pepsi!

New Waitress: Two Pepsi!

Nico: Two chip! Two Pepsi!

Female Customer: [sitting at counter, to Pete] Hey,uh, I’m almost done. I, uh, better order that stuff togo.

Pete: Ah! I like you. You eat fast. All right, what togo?

Female Customer: Um, I want a cheeseburger, Pepsi anda bag of chips.

Pete: [yells] Cheeseburger! Pepsi! Chip!

George: Cheeseburger!

Nico: Pepsi! Chip!

Pete: Sandy! C’mere!

Sandy: [Pete exits as Sandy stands at the cashregister with the new waitress who hangs up her coatbefore Sandy explains the system] Okay, when Petegoes, you have to stand by the cash register but don’ttouch it. Pete is the only one to touch the cashregister, huh?

Benefit Lady: [enters with placard, goes to counter,talks to Nico] Hi! Uh, we’re having a benefit for theTagart twins — you know, the little boys that ate theballoon — and I was wondering if I could put thisposter in your window. [Nico doesn’t understand a wordshe’s saying but nods anyway] I can? [Nico shrugs, thebenefit lady is delighted] Oh!

Nico: [to the benefit lady] Cheeseburger?

Female Customer: [to the benefit lady] Look, um, hedoesn’t understand English. All he knows is”Cheeseburger” …

Nico: [to female customer] Cheeseburger?

Female Customer: [George brings her order in a bag]Oh, hi, George, look, uh, I wanna tell you this joke,okay? [indicates Nico] Oh, tell him too — it’s realfunny. Um, this guy says to the owner of a restaurant… [George translates in Greek to Nico] Uh, I gotsome bad news for you and some worse news … [Georgetranslates] Uh, the bad news is … [Georgetranslates] … that there’s a fly in my soup …[George translates] Uh, the worse news is … [Georgetranslates] It’s the best part of the meal! … [Anamused George translates the punch-line but Nicodoesn’t understand so George repeats it. Nico stilldoesn’t get it, shrugs apologetically. George givesup, gestures to the customer that Nico is not toobright, hands her her order, and heads back to thegrill.] Thank you. [rises, pays at register, andexits]

Sandy: [phone rings, Sandy picks up, speaks intophone] Olympia Cafe. … To go? Okay. … [yells]Cheeseburger! Cheeseburger!

George: Cheeseburger! Cheeseburger!

Sandy: Two chip! Two Pepsi!

Nico: Two chip! Two Pepsi!

Pete: [returns, shoos Sandy and the new waitress away]All right, come on, come on, come on, come on, let’sgo, come on, move, come on!

Benefit Lady: [to Pete] Hi! Um, we’re having a benefitand I was wondering if I could put this poster in yourwindow.

Pete: Sure. Five dollars.

Benefit Lady: No! No, no, no, you don’t understand.It’s a benefit.

Pete: [upset] Look, you come in here, you don’t evenbuy something, you want me to put something in thewindow?!

Benefit Lady: Oh, okay, I’ll buy something, I’ll buysomething.

Pete: Okay, what’ll you have?

Benefit Lady: Uh, I’ll have a club sandwich and a tea.

Pete: No club, no tea. Cheeseburger.

Benefit Lady: Okay, I’ll have a cheeseburger, welldone.

Pete: All right, cheeseburger. What to drink?

Benefit Lady: Ah, no tea?

Pete: No tea. Pepsi.

Benefit Lady: Ah, do you have root beer?

Pete: No. No root beer. Pepsi.

Benefit Lady: Grape. Do you have–?

Pete: Pepsi!!

Benefit Lady: I don’t think I want anything to drink,thanks.

Pete: Okay, tea. [quickly pours her a tea]

Sandy: Cheeseburger!

New Waitress: Cheeseburger!

Sandy: Cheeseburger!

New Waitress: Cheeseburger!

George: Cheeseburger! Cheeseburger!

Pete: [upset, to the new waitress] Hey, hey, yo! Hey,you! You don’t say it right! Okay? Listen. [with Greekaccent, spoken quickly and without pronouncing the”s”] Cheeseburger!

New Waitress: Cheeseburger!

Pete: Cheeseburger!

New Waitress: Cheeseburger!

Pete: No, no. Cheeseburger!

George: [thinks an order is being made] Cheeseburger!

New Waitress: Cheeseburger! Cheeseburger!

[Pete, George, and the new waitress all yell”Cheeseburger” back and forth, faster and faster,until the waitress explodes in fury:]

New Waitress: [throws her ticket book] I can’t standthis place! [runs behind register to grab her coat]It’s, like, nuts! I’m just getting out of this place!This is crazy! [grabs coat] Cheeseburger!Cheeseburger!

George: Cheeseburger! Cheeseburger!

New Waitress: [keeps ranting] Pepsi! Chip!

Nico: Pepsi! Chip!

New Waitress: [putting on coat] Cheeseburger! Pepsi!

George: Cheeseburger!

Nico: Pepsi!

Benefit Lady: [trying to calm her] Hey, it’s okay!It’s okay! Everything’s gonna be fine now. [to theemployees, who watch dispassionately] Can somebody gether a glass of water?

Pete: No water. Pepsi.

Benefit Lady: All right, a Pepsi!

Pete: One Pepsi! [But Nico merely stands there,watching the distressed waitress until Pete hits himseveral times with a menu] Pepsi! Pepsi! Pepsi! Comeon!

Nico: Pepsi!

Sandy: Cheeseburger! Cheeseburger! Cheeseburger!Cheeseburger!

George: Cheeseburger! Cheeseburger! Cheeseburger!Cheeseburger!

[We end on the image of numerous burger pattiessizzling on George’s grill.] [ pull back to wide shot of studio, with SUPER: “coming up next… How To Beat The Solar System” ] [ fade ]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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