SNL Transcripts: Jill Clayburgh: 03/18/78: Shower Mike




 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 3: Episode 14






77n: Jill Clayburgh / Leon Redbone

Shower Mike

Jane Herkiman…..Gilda Radner
Richard Herkiman…..Bill Murray
Morty Coony…..John Belushi
Judy Coony…..Jill Clayburgh

[ open on Jane Herkiman taking a shower while singing “Up, Up and Away” ] [ Richard Herkiman enters behind her and picks up a shower mike ]

Richard Herkiman: JOHNNY NASH, ladies and gentlemen! Come on, let’s hear it for her, isn’t she terrific! She’s my better half!

Jane Herkiman: Come on, you’re embarrassing me…!

Richard Herkiman: Let me introduce myself — I’m Richard Herkimann. And I’d like to see if we can’t get my wife, Jane, to do one more number! How about it, Jane?

Jane Herkiman: Would you stop it, Richard? You’re embarrassing me! I’m taking a shower, now stop it.

Richard Herkiman: Aw, come on! I’ll bet you know this one: “Ahhh, love! Love will keep us together!” Thank you! Take it, Jane, come on!

Jane Herkiman: No! I’m not… Richard!

Richard Herkiman: “You gotta stay strong! Just stop!”

Jane Herkiman: Would you STOP it, Richard? I can’t…

Richard Herkiman: “Just stop!”

Jane Herkiman: STOP IT!!

Richard Herkiman: ‘Cause I’d like to introduce a very funny guy, as a matter of fact! He just stopped by, on his way to the train. The funniest guy in the neighborhood, as a matter of fact! Our friend, our next-door neighbor — MORTY COONY! Come on in!

[ Morty enters dressed in a business suit, as Jane screams ]

Morty Coony: Hi, how are ya’! Thank you, Richard! And Hello, Jane, how are ya’?

Jane Herkiman: [ cowering ] Morty, what did you do?! Good Morning!

Richard Herkiman: You folks at home DON’T know this, but Morty’s wife threw him out of the house this week — a week ago — and he’s been hanging around our place ever since, telling his jokes, and he’d love to tell you a few! Now, you may have heard a few of them before, but, uh, remember: It’s Morty’s name, okay? Let’s hear it for MORTY OONY! [ he hands his shower mike over ]

Morty Coony: You know what? I noticed on the way over here that Herb across the street was having a garage sale!

Jane Herkiman: Did — Did you go over and buy anything?

Morty Coony: Why should I? I already have a garage!

[ Morty and Richard laugh hysterically ]

Morty Coony: Thank you!

Richard Herkiman: I TOLD you! The man is hysterical!

Morty Coony: Gracias! Gracias! That’s funny. You know, my garage is SO messy that the other day I was rummaging around there… I found my OLD CAR!! [ he laughs ]

Richard Herkiman: Mor-ty! You’re killing me!

Morty Coony: No, really! You know, my garage roof, you know, is leaking? So the roof had to be tarred! You know?

Richard Herkiman: Yeah.

Morty Coony: So I told my kid I’d give him thirty bucks to put the tar on the roof. I come home, and the jerk put the TUB of tar on the roof!

[ they all crack up laughing ]

Morty Coony: Thank you! Thank you! The garage… What else? What else?

Richard Herkiman: Are you kidding? He’s fantastic! He’s funny 24 hours a day, and that’s a big compliment. And, you know — the garage jokes? Funny, because he’s been living in our garage for the last week! Is that where that came from? I guess comedy works that way. It’s a strange combination of pain and environment, or something like that…

Morty Coony: Yeah, I guess so. I guess so. Yeah… yeah…

Jane Herkiman: Richard, you’re certainly very CRUEL in the shower. Now, why don’t we just forget all about it and why don’t I make you breakfast, Morty?

Richard Herkiman: Just a moment, Jane. [ he grabs his shower mike from Morty ] I think you’re gonna change your mind about my being cruel, AND about fixing Morty’s breakfast when I tell you — and Morty doesn’t even know about this — that behind the shower curtain is somebody who I think has something to say to Morty. Let me intriduce a friend and a neighbor — MRS. MORTY COONY! Come on in here, Judy!

[ he pulls a fully-dressed Judy Coony into the shower ]

Morty Coony: Sweetheart!

Judy Coony: Morty! I’ve come to ask you to leave the Herkimans’ garage and come on home, we miss you!

Morty Coony: Really? Aw, Judy!

[ Morty and Judy hug and kiss one another, and Richard and Jane follow suit ]

Richard Herkiman: Well, SOMEBODY’D better fix BREAKFAST!! Morty and I have to catch that ol’ 8:05 — we gotta get out of here and go to work! Just remember to… [ singing ] “look in your heart and let LOVE…!”

All: “KEEP US TOGEEEEEETH-ERRRRR…!!!”

[ the camera pans up the shower, then cuts over to the audience and zooms toward a man, then quickly pans over to the woman seated next to him, with SUPER: “Caught On Guard” ] [ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King is directing his fourteenth season of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him nine Emmys and thirteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for thirteen DGA Awards and won in 2014, 2016, 2017, 2018 and 2019. Mr. King is also the creative director of Broadway Worldwide which brings theatrical events to theaters. The company has produced Smokey Joe’s Café; Putting It Together with Carol Burnett; Jekyll & Hyde; and Memphis, all directed by Mr. King. He completed the screen capture of Broadway's Romeo & Juliet in 2013. - LinkedIn

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