Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 3: Episode 14
Jane Herkiman…..Gilda Radner
Richard Herkiman…..Bill Murray
Morty Coony…..John Belushi
Judy Coony…..Jill Clayburgh
[ open on Jane Herkiman taking a shower while singing “Up, Up and Away” ]
[ Richard Herkiman enters behind her and picks up a shower mike ]
Richard Herkiman: JOHNNY NASH, ladies and gentlemen! Come on, let’s hear it for her, isn’t she terrific! She’s my better half!
Jane Herkiman: Come on, you’re embarrassing me…!
Richard Herkiman: Let me introduce myself — I’m Richard Herkimann. And I’d like to see if we can’t get my wife, Jane, to do one more number! How about it, Jane?
Jane Herkiman: Would you stop it, Richard? You’re embarrassing me! I’m taking a shower, now stop it.
Richard Herkiman: Aw, come on! I’ll bet you know this one: “Ahhh, love! Love will keep us together!” Thank you! Take it, Jane, come on!
Jane Herkiman: No! I’m not… Richard!
Richard Herkiman: “You gotta stay strong! Just stop!”
Jane Herkiman: Would you STOP it, Richard? I can’t…
Richard Herkiman: “Just stop!”
Jane Herkiman: STOP IT!!
Richard Herkiman: ‘Cause I’d like to introduce a very funny guy, as a matter of fact! He just stopped by, on his way to the train. The funniest guy in the neighborhood, as a matter of fact! Our friend, our next-door neighbor — MORTY COONY! Come on in!
[ Morty enters dressed in a business suit, as Jane screams ]
Morty Coony: Hi, how are ya’! Thank you, Richard! And Hello, Jane, how are ya’?
Jane Herkiman: [ cowering ] Morty, what did you do?! Good Morning!
Richard Herkiman: You folks at home DON’T know this, but Morty’s wife threw him out of the house this week — a week ago — and he’s been hanging around our place ever since, telling his jokes, and he’d love to tell you a few! Now, you may have heard a few of them before, but, uh, remember: It’s Morty’s name, okay? Let’s hear it for MORTY OONY! [ he hands his shower mike over ]
Morty Coony: You know what? I noticed on the way over here that Herb across the street was having a garage sale!
Jane Herkiman: Did — Did you go over and buy anything?
Morty Coony: Why should I? I already have a garage!
[ Morty and Richard laugh hysterically ]
Morty Coony: Thank you!
Richard Herkiman: I TOLD you! The man is hysterical!
Morty Coony: Gracias! Gracias! That’s funny. You know, my garage is SO messy that the other day I was rummaging around there… I found my OLD CAR!! [ he laughs ]
Richard Herkiman: Mor-ty! You’re killing me!
Morty Coony: No, really! You know, my garage roof, you know, is leaking? So the roof had to be tarred! You know?
Richard Herkiman: Yeah.
Morty Coony: So I told my kid I’d give him thirty bucks to put the tar on the roof. I come home, and the jerk put the TUB of tar on the roof!
[ they all crack up laughing ]
Morty Coony: Thank you! Thank you! The garage… What else? What else?
Richard Herkiman: Are you kidding? He’s fantastic! He’s funny 24 hours a day, and that’s a big compliment. And, you know — the garage jokes? Funny, because he’s been living in our garage for the last week! Is that where that came from? I guess comedy works that way. It’s a strange combination of pain and environment, or something like that…
Morty Coony: Yeah, I guess so. I guess so. Yeah… yeah…
Jane Herkiman: Richard, you’re certainly very CRUEL in the shower. Now, why don’t we just forget all about it and why don’t I make you breakfast, Morty?
Richard Herkiman: Just a moment, Jane. [ he grabs his shower mike from Morty ] I think you’re gonna change your mind about my being cruel, AND about fixing Morty’s breakfast when I tell you — and Morty doesn’t even know about this — that behind the shower curtain is somebody who I think has something to say to Morty. Let me intriduce a friend and a neighbor — MRS. MORTY COONY! Come on in here, Judy!
[ he pulls a fully-dressed Judy Coony into the shower ]
Morty Coony: Sweetheart!
Judy Coony: Morty! I’ve come to ask you to leave the Herkimans’ garage and come on home, we miss you!
Morty Coony: Really? Aw, Judy!
[ Morty and Judy hug and kiss one another, and Richard and Jane follow suit ]
Richard Herkiman: Well, SOMEBODY’D better fix BREAKFAST!! Morty and I have to catch that ol’ 8:05 — we gotta get out of here and go to work! Just remember to… [ singing ] “look in your heart and let LOVE…!”
All: “KEEP US TOGEEEEEETH-ERRRRR…!!!”
[ the camera pans up the shower, then cuts over to the audience and zooms toward a man, then quickly pans over to the woman seated next to him, with SUPER: “Caught On Guard” ]
[ fade ]