Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 3: Episode 14
Dr. Wilbur…..Jill Clayburgh
Sybil Connolly…..Jane Curtin
Colleen Fernman as Sybil Dorsett…..Gilda Radner
Sybil Weintraub…..Laraine Newman
Debras…..Anne Beatts, Yvonne Hudson, Marilyn Suzanne Miller, Karen Roston, Rosie Shuster
[ open on Dr. Wilbur’s office, as she dictates ]
Dr. Wilbur: The patient continues to exhibit accute schizophrenia, perhaps the most remarkable case of the Three Faces of Eve. Each of her multiple personalities is so clearly defined that it’s almost as though I were in a room with THREE separate individuals. [ she stops dictating and presses her intercom ] Miss Bernstein, would you send in “Sybil”?[ music sting, over title card ]
Announcer: “Sybil, Part III.”[ return to Dr. Wilbur’s office, as three women enter the room ]
Dr. Wilbur: Hello, “Sybil”.
Sybil III: Hello, Dr. Wilbur!!!
Dr. Wilbur: “Sybil”, why don’t you take a seat? [ they sit down in three seats ] Well… “Sybil”, “Sybil”, “Sybil.” Today, the two of us are gonna confront reality! You are laboring under the delusion that you are THREE separate individuals.
Sybil Weintraub: We ARE three separate individuals!
Sybil Connolly: God, we’ve been THROUGH this!
Dr. Wilbur: I know you feel that. But, in fact, you’re all ONE person! You are Sybil Dorsett from Willow Quarters, Wisconsin.
Sybil Weintraub: [ pointing to the middle Sybil ] This is Sybil Dorsett. [ pointing to the far Sybil ] She’s Sybil Connolly, from Boston. [ pointing to herself ] I’m Sybil Weintraub, from Shaker Heights, Ohio. I mean, look I’ve got PROOF! [ she whips out her wallet ] Here’s my I.D. with all my name on it — Sybil Weintraub!
Dr. Wilbur: Sybil, you’re fighting me.
Sybil Connolly: Look — you just think we’re the same person because we ALL happen to be named SYBIL!
Dr. Wilbur: Well, that is what tipped me off. But there’s something else that’s gonig on here. “Sybil”, one of your personalities isn’t expressing herself, why is that?[ Sybil Dorsett looks around, blankly ]
Sybil Connolly: Because she’s VEGGED out!
Dr. Wilbur: Sybil, you’re very hostile today. Aren’t you forgetting how much progress we’ve already made? I mean, when you first came here you were manisfesting sixteen different personalities. And now we’ve successfully integrated all but three!
Sybil Connolly: Of course! The other thirteen Sybils STOPPED coming to the session!
Sybil Weintraub: Maybe they were smarter than we were.
Sybil Connolly: Well, besides, there weren’t enough chairs.[ Sybil Dorsett laughs boisterously, then withdraws ]
Dr. Wilbur: Sybil, you will never be a whole person until you relive your childhood traumas and admit that your mother was a MONSTER who TORTURED you with BUTTON HOOKS, while hanging you upside-down from the kitchen light fixture and giving you ICE WATER ENEMAS!
Sybil Connolly: What?!
Sybil Weintraub: What are you talking about?
Dr. Wilbur: Oh, Sybil, Sybil, Sybil… face the truth. Remember![ the three Sybils look at one another ]
Sybil Weintraub: Oh, alright… So my mother did hang me from the light fixture and give me ice water enemas. So what?
Sybil Connolly: So did mine! Big deal!
Sybil Weintraub: I know it looks bad, but, believe me, it’s just a weird coincidence.
Sybil Connolly: It is a pretty weird coincidence.[ Sybil Dorsett laughs boisterously, then withdraws ]
Dr. Wilbur: Sybil, we seem to be on the verge of a breakthrough. Now, would you mind going back to the couch? I know it makes you uncomfortable, but please try it.
Sybil Connolly: I HATE this part!
Dr. Wilbur: Sibyl, why deny that you’re schitzo? We all have many people inside of us. I myself am a psychiatrist…[ Sybil Dorsett lies on the couch, as Sybil Weintraub and Sybil Connolly squeeze next to her and knock her to the floor ]
Dr. Wilbur: I’m a mother… I’m a married woman… I’m an unmarried woman. I’m a dancer, and, as a matter of fact, I’m, uh… I’m TWO dancers! I’m Jazz and Modern.[ Sybil Dorsett squeezes back onto the couch, knocking Sybil Connolly to the other side of the floor ]
Dr. Wilbur: Uhhh… I’m a furrier, I’m, uh… I’m four artists — I’m an Impressionist, a Photorealist, an Abstract Expressionist, and a Primitive. And I’m a lot of gym teachers. And i’m at least one dental technician.[ Sybil Connolly and Sybil Weintraub finally decide they’ve had enough and tiptoe for the door ]
Dr. Wilbur: I’ve had problems… like most young women. I was hung from light fixtures and tortured by my mother. I survived… and so can you. You can become WHOLE again. I know it.[ the door slams, as Sybil Connolly and Sybil Weintraub make their exit ] [ Dr. Wilbur turns to see only Sybil Dorsett lying on the couch ]
Dr. Wilbur: Sybil![ Sybil Dorsett looks around catatonically ]
Dr. Wilbur: You’re cured! Oh, Sybil, look at you — you’re a whole person again! Ohhhh!! [ she pulls G to her feet ] It won’t be necessary for you to come back here every week. [ she grabs G’s coat ] You just check in with me every now and again when you’re feeling a little bit down. Oh, Sybil… [ she struggles to help G into her coat ] I’m so GLAD this happened! And you just remember your mother cannot hurt you NOW! Now, listen — I have another appointment, and she’s waiting for me… [ she walks G to the door, crashing her into it ] But you just keep in touch! Bye hye, Sweetie![ Sybil Dorsett exits, as Dr. Wilbur sits at her desk ]
Dr. Wilbur: [ into intercom ] Uh, Miss Bernstein? Uh, send in Debra.[ a huge group of women storm into the room, shoving Sybil Dorsett in with them ]
Dr. Wilbur: [ blowing a whistle ] Okay, Debra! Hold it down! Now, the two of us have a LOT of work to do here, so let’s not waste any time. And remember, Debra — I never promised you a rose garden.[ pull out, with SUPER: “coming up next… Illegal Alien Celebrities” ] [ fade ]