Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 3: Episode 15
Mr. Bill Goes to the Circus
Mr. Hands: Hey kids, it’s time for the Mr. Bill show!
(curtain rises to reveal Mr. Bill)
Mr. Bill: Ho ho kiddies! Oh it’s so good to see all your bright faces out there in front of the tv set. Oh we’re going to have a great time today because we’re having our own circus! But now I’d like to introduce you to my friend. He helps me all the time. Mr. Hands!
Mr. Hands: (starts molding Spot) Hey Mr. Bill. Say, a friend of yours is coming to see you.
Mr. Bill: Oh really? Who could that be Mr. Hands, huh?
Mr. Hands: (sings) Here comes Mr. Bill’s dog.
Mr. Bill: Oh Spot! Hey Spot! How’s my dog? How are you doing huh? Say Mr. Hands, can you help me pet him huh?
Mr. Hands: Sure Mr. Bill. But you know, he looks mighty hungry. I think we better feed him right away.
Mr. Bill: But I don’t have any dog food.
Mr. Hands: (starts molding Sluggo) Don’t worry. One of your best friends is dropping in and he’s going to bring some dog food.
Mr. Bill: Who’s that huh?
Mr. Hands: He’s one of your best friends.
Mr. Bill: Oh wait. No, no! He’s not my friend! No, he’s always mean to me!
Mr. Hands: No, it’s friendly Mr. Sluggo! And his special dog food (which is a can with a skull and crossbones label)
Mr. Bill: That’s not dog food!
Mr. Hands: Sure it is. And he says not a speck of cereal. (takes a spoonful and gives it to Spot)
Mr. Bill: No wait. It’s poison! Don’t eat it Spot! Ohhhhhhhhh!
Mr. Hands: See you later Spot! (swats Spot away)
Mr. Bill: Oh why! Why!
Mr. Hands: Never mind Mr. Bill because we’re going to have our circus.
Mr. Bill: Oh I love the circus.
Mr. Hands: (with a bunch of balloons) I bought you this present Mr. Bill. (Starts tying the string of the balloons around Mr. Bill’s arm.)
Mr. Bill: No wait, that’s too tight! Too tight!
Mr. Hands: I wouldn’t want you to lose your balloons.
Mr. Bill: No wait! No! I can’t hold it! I can’t, wait! (the helium of the balloons rips Mr. Bill’s arm out.) Ohhhhhhhh!
Mr. Hands: Oh, Mr. Bill, you lost your balloons! (starts molding Sluggo again) You know Mr. Bill, we need somebody to run our circus. So who’s always in charge of a circus?
Mr. Bill: I don’t know. Who?
Mr. Hands: The ringmaster!
Mr. Bill: Oh he’s no ringmaster!
Mr. Hands: Sure he’s Ringmaster Sluggo. (starts tossing a bowling pin) And he says for our first act tonight, you and I are going to be a juggling team. So catch the bowling pin! (Tosses the bowling pin at Mr. Bill’s head knocking it off.)
Mr. Bill: No wait, Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh! Why! Why!
Mr. Hands: (placing Mr. Bill’s head back on and placing him on a high wire.) For our next act, Ringmaster Sluggo says you’re going to do a daring high wire act.
Mr. Bill: No wait, I’ll fall!
Mr. Hands: Don’t worry. I made you a special net in case you slip (places a small net made of plastic)
Mr. Bill: No I can’t, no!
Mr. Hands: Now walk the tightrope Mr. Bill! (Drops Mr. Bill who falls into the floor)
Mr. Bill: Ohhhhhhh!
Mr. Hands: You know Mr. Bill, no circus would be complete without the traditional shoot the man out of the cannon stunt! (places a cannon on the stage and places the pieces of Mr. Bill in who is groaning) Now let me get you ready. Nice and snug Mr. Bill. Now I’m going to light the fuse. (does so) So until next week kids, (Mr. Bill is shot out of the cannon) Mr. Bill says so long for Mr. Sluggo, Mr. Spot and everybody in the big top! (The arm with the balloons reappears as the curtain falls)
(dissolve to audience wide shot, zoom in on punk male sticking his tongue out as CAPTION: “Mentally Overdressing Date” appears)
Submitted by: Nick Johnson