Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 3: Episode 15
Death to Watergate
Vampire Hunter…..Christopher Lee
Maureen Dean…..Jane Curtin
Richard Nixon…..Dan Aykroyd
[ open outside foogy gate at night, as thunder crashes ]
Vampire Hunter: If she’s not here soon, I’m afraid it’ll be too late, Carl! The sun will be up in a few hours, and we will have missed our last chance to put an end to it!
Carl: I think I hear someone approaching now… if I’m not mistaken.[ Maureen Dean runs up ]
Vampire Hunter: [ relieved ] Thank God you are here! I was afraid something had happened to you! We have only a few hours until DAYBREAK!
Maureen Dean: Are you SURE we’re doing the right thing, Doctor? I don’t know if I can DO it!
Vampire Hunter: You must do it, Maureen, you’re our only hope!
Carl: He’ll open the gates for you! You KNOW he will!
Vampire Hunter: Once we are in the mansion, Carl and I will take care of EVERYTHING!
Maureen Dean: Are you gonna have to use that? [ she points to his wooden stake ]
Vampire Hunter: It’s the only way! A wooden stake is the only waty to keep him from haunting us FOREVER! It must be done!
Maureen Dean: I’m scared!
Vampire Hunter: Maureen, remember! You have nothing to fear as long as he doesn’t touch you! Be careful! Remember: He’s tricky.[ thunder crashes ] [ dissolve to mansion interior, as former President Richard Nixon towers over a window and stares into the night ] [ he closes the window, then lifts a copy of his oversized manuscript and sits in his chair ]
Richard Nixon: I think I’ll read it over one more time! It’s going out to the publishers tomorrow morning. This will be my last chance. “Memoirs, by Richard Nixon. Nineteen dollars and ninety-five cents.” [ he turns a page ] “Chapter One. I was born in the house my father built…”[ the security system buzzes ]
Richard Nixon: [ answering ] Yes?
Maureen Dean: Mr. President?
Richard Nixon: I — I don’t recall the voice.
Maureen Dean: Mr. President, it’s Maureen Dean. I was wondering if I could talk to you?
Richard Nixon: [ piqued ] M-Maureen! What a surprise! Are you alone?
Maureen Dean: Uh… yes, I am, Mr. President…
Richard Nixon: [ excited ] Well, come on in! I’ll put on some java![ Nixon turns on Johnny Mathis’s “Misty” on the record plater, then changes into his smoking jacket ]
Richard Nixon: [ singing ] “…As a kitten up a tree. I’m…”[ Vampire Hunter and Carl burst into the room ]
Richard Nixon: NO!! NO!! Pat! Pat! Help!
Carl: I don’t like that song. [ he turns the record off ]
Vampire Hunter: You know what we are here for! We have come to put the soul of Watergate to REST! It has HAUNTED us long enough! It must be DONE WITH once and for all!
Maureen Dean: [ grabbing the manuscript ] I’ve got it! This is it!
Richard Nixon: Give it back to me, Maureen! It’s MINE!
Vampire Hunter: Don’t worry, Maureen! [ he holds up a pocket mirror, as Nixon winces ] This mirror will keep him at bay! He HATES to see his own reflection!
Maureen Dean: Haven’t you polluted America enough?! Haven’t you profited enough from your MISTAKES?!
Richard Nixon: Give it back to me, Mo! I’ll make it up to you.
Vampire Hunter: Don’t listen to him, Maureen! Quick! Carl! Carl! Unwrap the picture!
Carl: Aw, I forgot it outside. I’ll be right back! [ he runs out the door ]
Richard Nixon: [ trying to be charming ] Don’t — don’t you remember what a swell time we had at the state dinner for the Shah?
Vampire Hunter: Don’t look at him!
Richard Nixon: My memoirs are the foundation for my comeback! There’ll be a place for you in my administration, Maureen…
Vampire Hunter: Don’t look at him in the eyes!
Richard Nixon: In my new administration… there may even be a place for you on the ticket. Nixon and Dean. I like that!
Vampire Hunter: Don’t listen to him, Maureen! Remember what he did to Agnew!
Richard Nixon: You know… the Vice-President gets his own mansion now. [ seductively ] You could decorate it any way you wanted!
Vampire Hunter: DON’T look at him, Maureen! Try to think of something else!
Richard Nixon: Think of all those parties, all those people! Telling you how PRETTY you look! Think of that![ suddenly, Carl rushes in with the framed photo of wight D. Eisenhower, which causes Nixon to recoil in fear ]
Maureen Dean: Are you SURE you’ve got to go through with it? Maybe he’s changed!
Vampire Hunter: If we don’t put an end to it NOW, it will only be a matter of WEEKS before it spreads to libraries and bookstores in every city, town and mall in America! The STENCH of San Clemente will SEEP into commuter trains, bus stations and bookmobiles! The country REEK as never before over this FOUL affair that continues to decompose but REFUSES TO DIE!! We CAN’T allow the UNDEAD to go on HAUNTING US!! We must put the soul of Watergate TO REST!! NOW!![ Vampire Hunter pounds the wooden stake through the manuscript, as Nixon clutches his heart, gasps and collapses into a chair ]
Vampire Hunter: Look! See how peaceful he looks?
Maureen Dean: He hasn’t looked that peaceful since the party.
Vampire Hunter: Well, we must burn it now. Our work is nearly over.[ Vampire Hunter grabs the manuscript and leads his party out of the mansion ] [ Nixon swallows, then looks up from his chair and rises toward his typewriter. He places a sheet of paper into the typewriter and recites his manuscript as he types ]
Richard Nixon: “Memoirs, by Richard Nixon. Nineteen dollars and ninety-five cents.” [ he turns a page ] “Chapter One. I was born in the house my father built…”[ pull out to wide view of set, with SUPER: “coming up next… Is Eight Really Enough?” ] [ fade ]