Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 3: Episode 15
Weekend Update with Jane Curtin & Dan Aykroyd
Kevin Scott…..John Belushi
Jane Curtin: [ image: dog ] David Brenner looks back. This story and more, on “Weekend Update”, coming up.[ fade to black, open on wide view of news set ]
Announcer: And now “Weekend Update”, with the “Weekend Update” news team. Brought to you by Aqua Velveeta, the man’s after-cheese lotion. And now, here are anchorpersons Dan Aykroyd and Jane Curtin.
Dan Aykroyd: Good evening, I’m Da Aykroyd.
Jane Curtin: And I’m Jane Curtin, and I’m wearing a new suit.
our top story tonight: [ image: backside of man wearing only shorts ] Hamilton Jordan was back in the news this week, when he tried to leave a Washington restuarant without paying his check. The fun-loving White House aide explained he had forgotten his wallet.
In the Middle East, Israel has been under criticism for what some people consider an excessive show of force in Lebanon, in response to last week’s P.L.L. terrorist attack. [ image: Moshe Dayan with eyepatch ] Foreign Minister Moshe Dayan defended the invasion, citing the biblical shibboleth “An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth” has always been Israel’s policy. Well, last night a P.L.L. terrorist took him at his word, and snuck into Dayan’s bedroom and took one of the foreign minister’s bicuspids. [ image: same, but now with blackened front tooth ]
State Senator Lori Wilson of Cocoa Bech, Florida has introduced a bill outlawing pay toilets in public places. Miss wilson called them the “most basic form of economic discrimination”, which hits hardest at women and chldren As she puts it, “I have never heard of a pay urinal in this or any other state.” Our Update sources tell us that, while the installation of pay urinals doesn’t appear plausible, Miss Wilson will settle for a compromise, calling for trousers to be equipped with pay zippers.
Comedian Bill Cosby, opera star Beverly Sills, country singer Johnny Cash, and L.A. anchorperson Connie Chung got together this week and formed a new singing group. However, they can’t think of a name for the act. If you have a suggestion, send it to “Cosby, Sills, Nash, and Chung”, in care of “Weekend Update.”
Dan Aykroyd: Well, nostalgia stuill seems to be dominating the theater this season. The most popular new show on Broadway is a production called “BeatleManiaMania”, a recreation of the original rip-off of The Beatles experience. Saty its producers, “It’s not Beatlemania, but an incredible simulation.”
This week, a supertanker roke off of France’s Brittany coast, in what is noe the worst oil spill in history, polluting the coastline and killing marine life. Oil spills are an almost regular phenomenon on this planet, so, here with an in-depth analysis of the problem, is “Update”‘s own Kevin Scott.[ pull out to reveal John Belushi playing with a toy supertanker ]
Dan Aykroyd: Kevin Scott. Kevin? [ Belushi continues playing ] Kevin? John!
Kevin Scott: [ looking up ] Yeah? [ it finally hits him ] Oh! Right, right. Thanks, Dan. You know, this week’s wreck illustrates problems with the new generation of giant tankers. First of all, they’re not easily maneuverable, uh, making it very difficult to steer, and a lot of them have problems with, uh, swaying back and forth. [ he leans the toy supertanker to one side, splashing oil onto Dan Aykroyd ] Oh, I’m sorry, Dan! I’m sorry. Swaying back and forth… Now, if you look at these tankers, you’ll see that — [ he rubs oil from his hands and wipes it on Dan’s shirt ] Sorry, Dan. You alright? Good man! Come on, come here! [ Dan backs away slowly ] Hey! [ he stretches his arm out and wipes oil on Dan’s shirt and laughs ] The situation’s aggravating because the ship lost power, you understand? Okay, uh — further, it has an enormous length — [ he swings the toy supertanker toward Dan, as Dan flinches ] Take a look at this! Enormous length, you know what I mean? Metal plates at the hull. You know, you don’t want to create more pressure, the ship flexes. The POUNDING sea, back and forth — [ he swings the supertanker back and forth toward Dan ] You know? So if you’re on one of these, Dan — [ he pounds the supertanker on the desk, breaking it ] It might break in half! [ he snaps the supertanker in half ] You never know? You know, it’s good to wear an old suit, because you could get, uh… you could get pretty messy, huh, Danny? [ he puts his oily hands on Dan’s face ]
Dan Aykroyd: Thank you. Thank you very much. Back to you, Jane.
Jane Curtin: Heavyweight champion Leon Spinks, this week, was arrested for driving the wrong way on a One Way street… and for driving without a license, sued for back rent by his Philadelphia landlord, and stripped of his title by the World Boxing Council. Reached for comment, Spinks said, “At least I still have my good looks!”
In a related story, Spinks said he would fight Norton sometime this summer. [ image: Ed Norton from “The Honeymooners” ]
Jane Curtin: The Writers Guild of America-East has called a strike against the popular children’s educational program “sesame Street”. Now, for our young viewers, Dan and I would like to explain what is meant by a “strike”. First: The complaint is called “Un…” [ SUPER: “UN” ]
Dan Aykroyd: “Fair.” [ SUPER: “FAIR” ] [ the words come together ]
Jane Curtin: And the demonstration following the complaint is called: “Pic…” [ SUPER: “PIC” ]
Dan Aykroyd: “Ket.” [ SUPER: “KET” ] [ the words come together ]
Jane Curtin: And a person who crosses a picket line is called a: “Sc…” [ SUPER: “SC” ]
Dan Aykroyd: “Ab.” [ SUPER: “AB” ] [ the words come together ]
Jane Curtin: Now, let’s review what we’ve just learned. “Picket.”
Dan Aykroyd: “Scab.”
Jane Curtin: Don’t. It might get infected. That’s the lesson for tonight, children — now go to bed!
And now, with this week’s movie news, here is the Party Animal himself — Bill Murray.
Bill Murray: Thank you, Jane. [ he holds up his Oscar board ] Well, the Oscars are coming up, April 3rd, and here are my predictions, everybody. For Best Actress — Shirley MacLaine and Anne Bancroft were both nominated for “The Turning Point”, and given the block voting that goes on at the Hollywood studios, their votes are probably gonna be split, and these two stars will have to go home crushed and defeated. [ he pulls their names off the board ] Ouch, huh? Jane Fonda. Well, Jane is gonna win next year, I think, for “Coming Home”, so chin up, little girl, save your money for next year’s dress, huh? But no bitterness, Jane, please? Thank you. [ he pulls her name off the board ] Marsha Mason? Marsha Mason is Neil Simon’s wife, and Neil wrote “Goodbye Girl” just to get her out of the house, I think, and I don’t think the Academy will bother to honor the Simons just so long as their marriage is working, and, let’s face it — theirs is one of the most successful marriages in Hollywood. [ he toasts his hand ] Hey — here’s to you two, and I mean it! [ he pulls her name off the board ] Diane Keaton? Well, everybody’s been loving you since “Godfather II”, honey, and now we’ve got a chance to show you how we feel. [ he slides her name to top of the board ] I think you’ve got in the bag, so remember to just be yourself and don’t let that pretty little head swell, okay? Alright!
Best Actor. John Travolta? Tv actor. Uh-uh. No way. No way. If he thinks he’s gonna hold that precious piece of gold over his head and wave to all of the people who helped — and there were so many people — he’s crazy. It’ll be over the dead, stiff, and lifeless bodies of the members of the Academy. Besides — John was scheduled to do our show, and backed out and cancelled at the last minute, so this little weasel can go to Brazil and make movies, for all I care. [ he tosses Travolta’s name from the board to huge applause ] Woody Allen? The Wood-man is so much more than an actor, it’s not even funny. That’s why I don’t think he’s gonna get this one. But the Academy must honor him in some way, and I think it’s gonna be the Irving Thalberg Award for meritory service to the industry, and he deserves it, too. [ he pulls his name from the board ] Uh — Richard Dreyfuss? Uh… he’s too young, that’s all. And he’s also careless with his personal appearance, and the Academy doesn’t like that, either. Not this year, Rick — sorry! [ he pulls his name from the board ] Nice work in “Close”, though. Mastrioni? He’s foreign. People don’t like foreignors. [ he pulls his name from the board ] Chevalier never won an Oscar, am I right? Okay. Richard Burton. I know what you’re thinking — a foreignor. Uh-uh. Fickle Academy, this year. I think they’ll give it to Dick… to makwe up for losing Liz Taylor. When he lost Liz… he lost everything.
Hey — Best Supporting Actress and Actor? Who cares, really? [ he shoves all the names off the board ]
Best Film? “Julia”? Well… didn’t see it. Sorry! [ he yanks it from the board ] “Turning Point”? I didn’t see it. [ he yanks it from the board ] “Star Wars”? I saw it on the small screen in Canada, so I really don’t know what it was like. [ he yanks it from the board ] “Annie Hall” — I did not see it. [ he yanks it from the board ] “The Goodbye Girl”? I saw it. So, on the basis of what I’ve seen, I would have to say “The Goodbye Girl” is gonna be this year’s winner. If you don’t like it, I’m sorry — that’s my opinion, now get out of here! Let me throw it back to a future Oscar winner, and a girl who’s at least a half a party animal herself — Jane Curtin. Get out of here, Jane, you’re terrific!
Jane Curtin: Thank you, Bill! And now it’s time for a new “Weekend Update” feature. Dan?
Dan Aykroyd: Yes. Tonight, we’ll treat the topic of whether a Point/Counterpoint segment has any point. Here’s Jane with the anti-point counterpoint, and I’ll be taking the pro-point counterpoint. Jane?
Jane Curtin: Dan, these Point/Counterpoints are getting a little absurd, and it’s all your fault! It seems no matter what I say, you’ll disagree with me! If I came out for the imprisonment of murderers, you’d say, “No, let ’em go!” You’re a pompous ass, Dan, obnoxious, arrogant, and snotty! I don’t like you, and I never will! So sit on this, Dan! [ she raises her phone receiver at him ] I hope I made my point.
Dan Aykroyd: Jane, you ignorant SLUT! I don’t automatically disagree with you, it’s just that you laways take the ASININE side of ANY issue! AS for murderers, Jane — they shouldn’t be locked up; they should be KILLED! Anyone who says otherwise, simply has a geranium in the cranium! As for your assessment of me, Jane, I’m surprised! Pount/Counterpoint is supposed to be a forum for an exchange of ideas, not an exercise in character assassination! Who did you sleep with to get this job, anyway?!
Jane Curtin: That’s the news. Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow.[ Dan jumps up and grabs Jane’s phone ]
Announcer: “Weekend Update” is a presentation of “Saturday Night News” — keeping America informed for over a fiftieth of a century.