SNL Transcripts: Michael Palin: 04/08/78: Michael Palin’s Monologue


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 3: Episode 16

77p: Michael Palin / Eugene Record

Michael Palin’s Monologue

Sid Biggs … Michael Palin

Don Pardo: Ladies and gentlemen, Michael Palin!

[Palin, in character as Sid Biggs, wears a baggy graysuit.]

Sid Biggs: Uh, thank you. Quiet down, please. Uh…Evening. I just came to say that Mr. Palin will be outin a minute. Sorry about this. He’s on his way. He’sjust having a few last minute costume problems. Uh, hehas to wear a– uh, but, ah, he’s a nice boy, niceboy. Anyway, uh, he’ll be out soon. [awkward pause asSid checks his wristwatch and looks around] Nicestudio. Uh, my name’s, uh, Sid, by the way, Sid Biggs,Sid with an “I” — I’m Michael’s manager. I look afterthe boy, you know. Anyway, I – I thought I’d justcome out and, uh, keep you quiet for a bit, you know.I’ve told him it’s a live show, you know, and allthat, you know, and he will be out. I’m not having anyartist o’ mine appearing on nationally networktelevision in the U.S.A. for the first time withoutlookin’ absolutely right. [clears throat, coughs,pulls out handkerchief and wipes his nose] Uh, howlong is the show tonight? What? Ninety minutes?[checks watch] Yeah, well, he should be out by then.[another awkward pause] Bit of a blow, this. Huh!

Now, he’s a – he’s a nice boy, Michael. You know, notthe least bit sardonic. Kind to animals. Well, not allanimals. You know, I mean, if a crazed wolverine wereto leap at his throat and start nibblin’ on hisjugular, he wouldn’t be kind to that. I mean, ‘ewouldn’t pat it on the head and say: [high-pitchedvoice] “Halloooo, li’l wolverine! Who’s a nice littlewolverine, eh?” and start givin’ it milk, you know.But he’s on the whole kind. But he’s an artist, youknow, and, as such, given to moods. Mind you, Michaelis not my only client. [grandly] He’s only one of manyacts on the Sid Biggs list! I have available … a manwho swallows … live macaws! Vic Roberts. Wonderfulact. Disgusting to watch. I’ve got a great new act:Princess Margaret. That’s not his real name. Uh, hisreal name is Suggs, Ernest Suggs. He, uh, he eatssoil. Beautiful act. Trouble is, he won’t travel.Hates – hates planes. Has to go everywhere byhorseback.

Anyway, I mean, Michael, you know, as much as I lovehim — and I stood by him through all the difficultyears of dental surgery — Michael is of a new schoolof entertainer, you know. He’s had it too easy. Imean, in my day, we all had an act, you know. That wasthe war, of course. But we all had an act. Churchillhad his act. Anthony Eden had his act. There wasalways something happening we could do when the bombswere dropping. People — it was a lovely atmosphere –people’d go down in the underground stations and dotheir act. That’s how Janet Ballsworth met Pepe. Therest is history.

That’s how I worked out my act — which I had thegreat honor of showing to His Majesty King George VIin 1943. [looks around, checks his watch] Do you, uh,would you like to see the act? [cheers and applause]Might as well. [calls to the SNL band behind him] Hey,boys! Do you know “White Cliffs of Dover”? “WhiteCliffs of Dover” — great! Right. All I need now is aplate of, uh, seafood salad. Do we have any seafoodsalad? [points into the audience] We have some downhere, sir. Right. Could you pass it through, please?Lovely. [a plate of seafood salad is passed throughthe audience to Sid] Give ’em a hand. You’ll get itback at the end of the show. [applause] Right. And acouple of household cats. Two domestic cats. Do wehave any domestic cats? No, no. Two, two is all weneed. [zoom up to the balcony where numerous audiencemembers hold up cats] Yeah, just the first two thatcome to hand, just bring ’em down here. Nice littlesqueakers. Bring ’em down, lovely. Couple o’ littleones, very good. [two stagehands enter and stand oneither side of Sid holding cats]

Now! I haven’t done it for a while. Just hope I canremember it. Well, here goes. A-one, a-two, one, two,three, four! [the band launches into a lugubriousversion of the World War II-era hit “(There’ll BeBluebirds Over) The White Cliffs of Dover” and Sidtries to sing along as he dumps the entire plate ofseafood salad into the front of his baggy pants]”There’ll be …” [Sid hands the empty plate to one ofthe stagehands who hands it to someone off screen]”…the White…” — In with the buggies! In with thebuggies! — “… of Dover!” [the stagehand tries toforce the cat into Sid’s pants along with the seafoodsalad — it’s quite a struggle because the cat isfighting it every step of the way] Next one! Put itin! There we go! [the second cat is forced in withgreat effort and finally the stagehands depart to muchapplause as Sid performs a little dance whileclutching at the cats struggling to get out of hispants – one cat escapes and flees but the otherremains, its head sticking out above Sid’s belt] We’llbe right back!

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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