Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 3: Episode 16
Nerds Piano Lesson
Lisa Loopner…..Gilda Radner
Todd LaBounta…..Bill Murray
Ms. Loopner…..Jane Curtin
Mr. Brighton…..Michael Palin
[ open on Lisa and Todd entering the Loopner living room ]
Lisa Loopner: Thanks for walking me, home, Todd!
Todd LaBounta: Well, uh.. if I didn’t take you home, uh.. Robert Demintz would’ve. [ nerdy laugh ] He’s so stupid, he takes a ruler to bed with him to see how long he sleeps!
Lisa Loopner: [ groans ] Ohhh! That joke’s so old, the last time I heard it I fell off my dinosaur!
Todd LaBounta: Watch this! [ presses fingers into Lisa’s forehead ]
Lisa Loopner: Oh, stop it, Ted! [ giggling ] [ Mrs. Loopner enters living room ]
Mrs. Loopner: Hi, Lisa! Hi, Todd!
Todd LaBounta: Good afternoon, Mrs. Loop-ner! What smells so good from the kitchen, Mrs. Loop-ner.
Mrs. Loopner: Oh, nothing special, Todd – just pot roast, mashed potatoes, and fresh spinach.
Todd LaBounta: Oh, you always serve a balanced meal, Mrs. Loop-ner.
Mrs. Loopner: Thank you, Todd. Would you like to stay for dinner?
Lisa Loopner: No, Mom! No!
Todd LaBounta: I would be honored to, Mrs. Loopner.. but I’d better call my mother, uh.. so she doesn’t worry about me.
Mrs. Loopner: Oh, that’s very thoughtful, Todd! You can use the phone in the kitchen.
Todd LaBounta: Thank you, Mrs. Loop-ner! [ retreats to the kitchen ]
Lisa Loopner: Mom! Why’d you ask Todd to stay for dinner? You know I’m gonna be having my piano lesson with Mr. Bright-on!
Mrs. Loopner: Well, I’m sure Todd can find something to keep himself occupied, dear.
Lisa Loopner: Yeah, but he’ll embarrass me in front of Mr. Bright-on! Todd’s a boy! Mr. Brighton’s a man!
Todd LaBounta: Uh.. I’m not a boy, Lisa. Uh.. if my skin cleared up, I’d be shaving right now.
Lisa Loopner: Well, when your skin clears up, they’ll be making snowballs in Hell!
Mrs. Loopner: [ stern ] Watch your language, young lady!
Todd LaBounta: Gosh.. if I say H-E-double-hockey-sticks at home, my mother would beat the C-R-A-you-know-what out of me!
Mrs. Loopner: That’s very nice, Todd. I’ll see you kids later. [ exits ]
Todd LaBounta: Lisa got in trouble! Lisa got in trouble! Noogie Patrol!! [ grabs Lisa and pounds her noggin with noogies ]
Lisa Loopner: [ breaks free ] Stop it, Todd! Cut it out!
Todd LaBounta: Come on, let’s play our song!
Lisa Loopner: No! Well.. okay.. just once. Come on. We’ll do a duet.[ Lisa and Todd sit at the piano for a duet of “Heart & Soul” ]
Lisa Loopner: Todd, you came in too soon![ they start over ]
Lisa Loopner: No, you came in too soon again, Todd!
Todd LaBounta: [ sarcastically ] Oh, big deal.. we’ll start again, that’s all..
Lisa Loopner: Todd, do it right![ they start again, as the doorbell rings numerous times ]
Lisa Loopner: Mr. Bright-on should be here- [ finally hears the doorbell ] Oh! [ answers door to Mr. Brighton ]
Mr. Brighton: Hello. My, you’re looking pretty today, Lisa.
Lisa Loopner: Thank you, Mr. Bright-on!
Todd LaBounta: Pretty? Yeah, I think she looks pretty – bad! [ laughs ]
Lisa Loopner: Shut up, Pizza Face!
Mr. Brighton: Uh.. who’s your funny boyfriend, Lisa?
Lisa Loopner: Ohh.. this is Todd LaBounta – but he’s not my boyfriend! He’s a boy, and he’s a friend – but he’s certainly not my boyfriend!
Mr. Brighton: Well, it’s a pleasure to meet you, Todd. Do you take piano lessons?
Todd LaBounta: No. I play by ear! [ drops his head over the piano and bangs the keys with his ear ]
Lisa Loopner: [ annoyed ] Oh, that’s so funny I forgot to laugh.
Mr. Brighton: Todd, do you think there’s someplace you can go so Lisa and I won’t be disturbed by your presence?
Todd LaBounta: Well, excu-u-u-u-use me! I’ll just sit right here, and you won’t hear a peep out of me. [ silent for a couple of seconds, then.. ] Pee-ee-eep!
Lisa Loopner: [ annoyed ] Oh, Todd..
Mr. Brighton: Your friend Todd is a bit of a nerd, isn’t he?
Lisa Loopner: Yes, he is.
Mr. Brighton: Oh.. well, let’s do the scales we practiced yesterday, Lisa.
Lisa Loopner: Alright. [ plays her scales ]
Mr. Brighton: That’s very good, Lisa.
Lisa Loopner: Thank you. [ plays scales again, hits a wrong note ]
Todd LaBounta: [ honks like a pig ]
Lisa Loopner: Oh, Todd, cut it out! Mother!!
Mrs. Loopner: [ slowly enters ] What is it, Lisa?
Lisa Loopner: Well, Todd is bothering us!
Mrs. Loopner: [ approaches Todd ] Todd? Why don’t you come out in the kitchen and help me set the table?
Todd LaBounta: Okay, Mrs. Loop-ner! [ exits living room ]
Mr. Brighton: Okay, let’s, uh.. play the scales – shall we – again, Lisa?
Lisa Loopner: Okie-dokie. [ plays the scales, but hits all the notes wrong ]
Mr. Brighton: Now.. Lisa, you see what you’re doing?
Lisa Loopner: What?
Mr. Brighton: You’re letting your hand drop. Let me just show you.. how I mean. [ grabs Lisa’s hands ] Lovely wrists, Lisa.
Lisa Loopner: Thank you, Mr. Bright-on!
Mr. Brighton: Now, then, uh.. bend your arm like this, and keep your fingers slightly arched. Now, Lisa.. breathe deeply.
Lisa Loopner: [ breaths deeply ]
Mr. Brighton: That’s it.
Lisa Loopner: [ deeper still ] Like this?
Mr. Brighton: Lovely, Lisa.. from the diaphragm, now.. from the diaphragm.
Lisa Loopner: Mr. Bright-on, I’m starting to feel dizzy..
Mr. Brighton: You know what that feeling is, Lisa?
Lisa Loopner: What?
Mr. Brighton: It’s love![ Mr. Brighton grabs Lisa and tries to kiss her very passionately, as she struggles to break free ]
Todd LaBounta: [ re-enters living room to great distress ] Say, what’s going on?! Oh, no.. another man. Well, I guess this is it. I have no need to go on living. I’ll just committ noggie suicide! [ begins to self-inflict himself with noogies ]
Mr. Brighton: There’s no need for that, young man – I simply got carried away.. It must have been the music..
Lisa Loopner: [ spitting Mr. Brighton’s germs out of her mouth ] You’re so obnoxious, Mr. Bright-on! You called Todd a nerd! But you’re a worse nerd!
Todd LaBounta: [ shaken ] He called me a.. nerd? I’m not a nerd, Mr. Brighton.. [ angry ] Mr. Brighton?
Mr. Brighton: Yes?
Todd LaBounta: Did you get the letter I sent you?
Mr. Brighton: No.
Todd LaBounta: Because I forgot to stamp it! [ stomps on Mr. Brighton’s foot, as Mr. Brighton scatters toward the front door ]
Lisa Loopner: Mr. Bright-on! Your fly’s open!
Mr. Brighton: [ fuming ] Yes.. I know! [ storms out ]
Lisa Loopner: [ looks at Todd ] Todd.. thank you for helping me.. You want to play our song again?
Todd LaBounta: Sure.[ they sit at the piano ]
Lisa Loopner: You know something, Todd? He tried to kiss me, but I wouldn’t let him.
Todd LaBounta: I know, Lisa.. [ changes subject ] Did you ever have.. a lollipop kiss?
Lisa Loopner: No.. what’s that?
Todd LaBounta: Well, close your eyes and pucker up. [ Lisa closes her eyes and puckers up ] Suck-er![ pan into audience wide shot, zoom up to woman with SUPER: “Rehearsed Embarrasment” ] [ fade ]