SNL Transcripts: Michael Palin: 04/08/78: Nerds Piano Lesson


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 3: Episode 16

77p: Michael Palin / Eugene Record

Nerds Piano Lesson

Lisa Loopner…..Gilda Radner
Todd LaBounta…..Bill Murray
Ms. Loopner…..Jane Curtin
Mr. Brighton…..Michael Palin

[ open on Lisa and Todd entering the Loopner living room ]

Lisa Loopner: Thanks for walking me, home, Todd!

Todd LaBounta: Well, uh.. if I didn’t take you home, uh.. Robert Demintz would’ve. [ nerdy laugh ] He’s so stupid, he takes a ruler to bed with him to see how long he sleeps!

Lisa Loopner: [ groans ] Ohhh! That joke’s so old, the last time I heard it I fell off my dinosaur!

Todd LaBounta: Watch this! [ presses fingers into Lisa’s forehead ]

Lisa Loopner: Oh, stop it, Ted! [ giggling ] [ Mrs. Loopner enters living room ]

Mrs. Loopner: Hi, Lisa! Hi, Todd!

Todd LaBounta: Good afternoon, Mrs. Loop-ner! What smells so good from the kitchen, Mrs. Loop-ner.

Mrs. Loopner: Oh, nothing special, Todd – just pot roast, mashed potatoes, and fresh spinach.

Todd LaBounta: Oh, you always serve a balanced meal, Mrs. Loop-ner.

Mrs. Loopner: Thank you, Todd. Would you like to stay for dinner?

Lisa Loopner: No, Mom! No!

Todd LaBounta: I would be honored to, Mrs. Loopner.. but I’d better call my mother, uh.. so she doesn’t worry about me.

Mrs. Loopner: Oh, that’s very thoughtful, Todd! You can use the phone in the kitchen.

Todd LaBounta: Thank you, Mrs. Loop-ner! [ retreats to the kitchen ]

Lisa Loopner: Mom! Why’d you ask Todd to stay for dinner? You know I’m gonna be having my piano lesson with Mr. Bright-on!

Mrs. Loopner: Well, I’m sure Todd can find something to keep himself occupied, dear.

Lisa Loopner: Yeah, but he’ll embarrass me in front of Mr. Bright-on! Todd’s a boy! Mr. Brighton’s a man!

Todd LaBounta: Uh.. I’m not a boy, Lisa. Uh.. if my skin cleared up, I’d be shaving right now.

Lisa Loopner: Well, when your skin clears up, they’ll be making snowballs in Hell!

Mrs. Loopner: [ stern ] Watch your language, young lady!

Todd LaBounta: Gosh.. if I say H-E-double-hockey-sticks at home, my mother would beat the C-R-A-you-know-what out of me!

Mrs. Loopner: That’s very nice, Todd. I’ll see you kids later. [ exits ]

Todd LaBounta: Lisa got in trouble! Lisa got in trouble! Noogie Patrol!! [ grabs Lisa and pounds her noggin with noogies ]

Lisa Loopner: [ breaks free ] Stop it, Todd! Cut it out!

Todd LaBounta: Come on, let’s play our song!

Lisa Loopner: No! Well.. okay.. just once. Come on. We’ll do a duet.

[ Lisa and Todd sit at the piano for a duet of “Heart & Soul” ]

Lisa Loopner: Todd, you came in too soon!

[ they start over ]

Lisa Loopner: No, you came in too soon again, Todd!

Todd LaBounta: [ sarcastically ] Oh, big deal.. we’ll start again, that’s all..

Lisa Loopner: Todd, do it right!

[ they start again, as the doorbell rings numerous times ]

Lisa Loopner: Mr. Bright-on should be here- [ finally hears the doorbell ] Oh! [ answers door to Mr. Brighton ]

Mr. Brighton: Hello. My, you’re looking pretty today, Lisa.

Lisa Loopner: Thank you, Mr. Bright-on!

Todd LaBounta: Pretty? Yeah, I think she looks pretty – bad! [ laughs ]

Lisa Loopner: Shut up, Pizza Face!

Mr. Brighton: Uh.. who’s your funny boyfriend, Lisa?

Lisa Loopner: Ohh.. this is Todd LaBounta – but he’s not my boyfriend! He’s a boy, and he’s a friend – but he’s certainly not my boyfriend!

Mr. Brighton: Well, it’s a pleasure to meet you, Todd. Do you take piano lessons?

Todd LaBounta: No. I play by ear! [ drops his head over the piano and bangs the keys with his ear ]

Lisa Loopner: [ annoyed ] Oh, that’s so funny I forgot to laugh.

Mr. Brighton: Todd, do you think there’s someplace you can go so Lisa and I won’t be disturbed by your presence?

Todd LaBounta: Well, excu-u-u-u-use me! I’ll just sit right here, and you won’t hear a peep out of me. [ silent for a couple of seconds, then.. ] Pee-ee-eep!

Lisa Loopner: [ annoyed ] Oh, Todd..

Mr. Brighton: Your friend Todd is a bit of a nerd, isn’t he?

Lisa Loopner: Yes, he is.

Mr. Brighton: Oh.. well, let’s do the scales we practiced yesterday, Lisa.

Lisa Loopner: Alright. [ plays her scales ]

Mr. Brighton: That’s very good, Lisa.

Lisa Loopner: Thank you. [ plays scales again, hits a wrong note ]

Todd LaBounta: [ honks like a pig ]

Lisa Loopner: Oh, Todd, cut it out! Mother!!

Mrs. Loopner: [ slowly enters ] What is it, Lisa?

Lisa Loopner: Well, Todd is bothering us!

Mrs. Loopner: [ approaches Todd ] Todd? Why don’t you come out in the kitchen and help me set the table?

Todd LaBounta: Okay, Mrs. Loop-ner! [ exits living room ]

Mr. Brighton: Okay, let’s, uh.. play the scales – shall we – again, Lisa?

Lisa Loopner: Okie-dokie. [ plays the scales, but hits all the notes wrong ]

Mr. Brighton: Now.. Lisa, you see what you’re doing?

Lisa Loopner: What?

Mr. Brighton: You’re letting your hand drop. Let me just show you.. how I mean. [ grabs Lisa’s hands ] Lovely wrists, Lisa.

Lisa Loopner: Thank you, Mr. Bright-on!

Mr. Brighton: Now, then, uh.. bend your arm like this, and keep your fingers slightly arched. Now, Lisa.. breathe deeply.

Lisa Loopner: [ breaths deeply ]

Mr. Brighton: That’s it.

Lisa Loopner: [ deeper still ] Like this?

Mr. Brighton: Lovely, Lisa.. from the diaphragm, now.. from the diaphragm.

Lisa Loopner: Mr. Bright-on, I’m starting to feel dizzy..

Mr. Brighton: You know what that feeling is, Lisa?

Lisa Loopner: What?

Mr. Brighton: It’s love!

[ Mr. Brighton grabs Lisa and tries to kiss her very passionately, as she struggles to break free ]

Todd LaBounta: [ re-enters living room to great distress ] Say, what’s going on?! Oh, no.. another man. Well, I guess this is it. I have no need to go on living. I’ll just committ noggie suicide! [ begins to self-inflict himself with noogies ]

Mr. Brighton: There’s no need for that, young man – I simply got carried away.. It must have been the music..

Lisa Loopner: [ spitting Mr. Brighton’s germs out of her mouth ] You’re so obnoxious, Mr. Bright-on! You called Todd a nerd! But you’re a worse nerd!

Todd LaBounta: [ shaken ] He called me a.. nerd? I’m not a nerd, Mr. Brighton.. [ angry ] Mr. Brighton?

Mr. Brighton: Yes?

Todd LaBounta: Did you get the letter I sent you?

Mr. Brighton: No.

Todd LaBounta: Because I forgot to stamp it! [ stomps on Mr. Brighton’s foot, as Mr. Brighton scatters toward the front door ]

Lisa Loopner: Mr. Bright-on! Your fly’s open!

Mr. Brighton: [ fuming ] Yes.. I know! [ storms out ]

Lisa Loopner: [ looks at Todd ] Todd.. thank you for helping me.. You want to play our song again?

Todd LaBounta: Sure.

[ they sit at the piano ]

Lisa Loopner: You know something, Todd? He tried to kiss me, but I wouldn’t let him.

Todd LaBounta: I know, Lisa.. [ changes subject ] Did you ever have.. a lollipop kiss?

Lisa Loopner: No.. what’s that?

Todd LaBounta: Well, close your eyes and pucker up. [ Lisa closes her eyes and puckers up ] Suck-er!

[ pan into audience wide shot, zoom up to woman with SUPER: “Rehearsed Embarrasment” ] [ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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