Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 3: Episode 17
Tina Gemini…..Laraine Newman
Voice of Morton Kamen…..John Belushi
[ open on futuristic stage setting ]
Announcer: The Magna Corcorde Hovercraft Systems Group presents… “Archaeologicus”, with your host Tina Gemini.
[ Tina Gemini enters the stage ]
Tina Gemini: Good evening. I’m Tina Gemini. On April 12th, 1962, a group of explorers working in the blistering desert heat in a small commuity near Palm Springs entered this small corridor… [ she points to a diagram on an easel of an aerial view of a hotel ] Exactly fifty paces away, they broke into a sealed opening to this chamber within… that beheld some of the most splendid examples of funerary riches known to mankind. The relics of an age gone by, perfectly preserved for us today. Join me as we discover together… “The Treasures of Morton Kamen”.
[ camera zooms in on the diagram, as the title appears over it ]
[ dissolve to black-and-white photo of Morton Kamen and his wife ]
Tina Gemini V/O: At the moment of Morton Kamen’s death, the air conditioning in the sealed chamber was set so low that everything, including his wife Shirley, has been perfectly preserved.
[ dissolve to black-and-white photo of Morton Kamen’s shoes ]
Tina Gemini V/O: All we know about Morton Kamen is that he was an incredibly rich man who surrounded himself with the spoils of his civilization. Powerful amulets protected his feet.
[ dissolve to black-and-white photo of an Alligator shirt ]
Tina Gemini V/O: While potent animal symbols, like the holy alligator were used to protect his life. He had literally hundreds of tunics like this, in virtually every color of the rainbow.
[ dissolve to black-and-white photo of cookware ]
Tina Gemini V/O: The sacrificial feasts were prepared in this vessel, and, miraculously, the remains of a freshwater tuna fish and noodle offering are as fresh today as the day as the day it was prepared.
[ dissolve to black-and-white photo of Morton Kamen’s golf cart and golf accessories ]
Tina Gemini V/O: And here, the most exciting of the riches, is the famous golden chariot of Morton Kamen, used, we believe, in an ancient ritual utilizing long sticks to bat tiny balls into holes in the ground for public adulation.
[ dissolve back to Tina Gemini, holding an audiotape recorder ]
Tina Gemini: Another find was this primitive recording device, which enables us to actually hear Morton Kamen’s voice and this strange message. [ she presses Play ]
Voice of Morton Kamen: [ thickly Jewish ] Hello! Morton and Shirley are out right now, but we’ll be good to get back if you’ll leave your name and number after the beep tone. Have a nice day. [ beeeeep ]
Tina Gemini: [ she turns it off ] Did that beep-frequency brainwash callers into obedience toward Morton Kamen? You can see that people were treated as slaves with numbers instead of names. But — perhaps the most enigmatic find in Morton Kamen’s tomb… is this pair of zippered rubber underpants. [ she removes them from their display case ] They were found hidden in a compartment near the water chamber. Attached to them was this strange “curse” of Morton Kamen: [ she reads the label ] “Sale of this novelty item to minors is forbidden by law.” Until we fully discover the significance of rubber underwear, this admonition will remain as much a mystery as why Moton Kamen and his wife Shirley were preserved to begin with. Until then, I bid thee a good night.
[ dissolve to title card ]
[ dissolve to pan across audience balcony, stopping on a woman with SUPER: “Often Mistaken For Unknown” ]
[ fade ]