Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 3: Episode 17
La Dolce Gilda
Written by: Tom Schiller
Priest 1…..Brian Doyle-Murray
Priest 2…..Alan Zweibel
Abraham Lincoln…..Bill Murray
SCHILLER’S REEL … WRITTEN AND DIRECTED BY TOM SCHILLER
[ film opens with Gilda stepping out of a limosine to the sound of her chanting fans ]
Crowd: Gilda!! Gilda!!
[ an actress leads Gilda through the crowd ]
Voice: Gilda, blow me a kiss! I’m your biggest fan!
[ cut to Gilda seated at a table with the actress, as Marcello joins them ]
Woman: Ciao, Marcello! Still sleeping with Gilda, eh?
Actress: Oh, God! This place is FULL of television people! [ looks offscreen ] Jean-Paul! Champagne and caviar — I’m dying of thirst!
Man: The early Fitzgerald was good — but then came an orgy of Buddha realism.
Woman: I never watch television! Never! I don’t even OWN a television! Electricity is EVIL! It KILLS the creative mindset!
Marcello: [ whispering into Gilda’s ear ] Gilda… don’t you find these people boring and stupid? Let us go to the Coliseum and make love. It is almost dawn!
[ as a pair of priests observe, Marcello stands and leaves Gilda ]
Gilda Radner: Don’t leave me, Marcello! Don’t go!
Marcello: I must RIDE this enchanting tigress!
[ the Tigress crouches to the ground as Marcello climbs onto her back ]
Marcello: Stay down, while I RIDE you! I’ll show these boring people how to have fun! Hee-hee-hee! Just like wild horses! Faster! Faster! Yippee!
[ an Italian actor approaches Gilda and begins to sweet-talk her; others join in ]
Voice: Gilda! Gilda, my child! Don’t you remember me?!
[ the Tigress collapses under Marcello’s weight ]
Marcello: FASTER!! FASTER!! YES, YES, YES!!
Woman: [ attempting to shove food toward Gilda ] Manga! Manga! Eat-a something!
Gilda Radner: I’m not hungry! I’m not hungry!
Crowd: GIL-DA!! GIL-DA!! GIL-DA!! GIL-DA!! GIL-DA!! GIL-DA!!
[ distraught, Gilda runs from the crowd as the music crescendoes ]
[ cut to Gilda walking away alone; she turns around ]
Gilda Radner: You’re still following me? Stop! Leave me alone! [ walks away, then turns around and smiles] I’m just teasing. Come here. Come.. closer. You know I love you, my little monkeys. But leave me my dreams. Dreams are like paper, they tear so easily. I love to play. Every time I play.. you win. Ciao. [ she walks away ]
[ a mime holding a balloon opens his coat to reveal a paper heart glued to his chest, then releases his balloon into the air ]
[ dissolve to audience wide shot. At the center is Abraham Lincoln, who looks astonished to see the camera. It starts to zoom in on Lincoln, so he attempts to point it toward the man to his left. The camera zooms closer, so Lincoln points it toward the woman to his right. The camera complies, causing the woman to laugh as the SUPER appears: “Glad To Be Anywhere” ]
[ fade to black ]