Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 3: Episode 18
77r: Steve Martin / The Blues Brothers
Two Wild and Crazy Guys
Yortuk Festrunk…..Dan Aykroyd
Georg Festrunk…..Steve Martin
Fox #1…..Gild Radner
Fox #2…..Laraine Newman
[ those Wild and Crazy Guys, Yortuk and Georg Festrunk swingingly entertheir bachelor pad ]
Yortuk Festrunk: Oh, Georg my brother, there will certainly be alot of swinging in our bachelor pad tonight!
Georg Festrunk: [ laughing and swinging ] Hold it! Let’s catchsome rays!
Yortuk Festrunk: You and what Army! [ they both laugh andswing ] Forget about it! [ they swing-motion towards their wet bar ] Ah, that fox bar was really something tonight. It was no difficulty to see many swinging Americans enjoying each other a great deal.
Georg Festrunk: And here is a thing I will tell you: thattwo swinging foxes have the hots-on for us, and are coming here tonight to let us hold on to their big American breasts!
Yortuk Festrunk: [ pours some drinks ] Why not? There’s nothingpreventing them. After all, there is no other pair of Czech brothers who cruise and swing so successfuly in tight slacks!
Georg Festrunk: [ sips his drink and toasts Yortuk ] We are.. two wild and crazy guys!
Yortuk Festrunk: [ walks into the living room ] Oh, no.. our bachelor pad certainly is messed around. Soon, will be the foxes. Where is the portable floor vacuum that we brought with us from Czechoslavakia?
Georg Festrunk: Wait here now, and you’ll find out! [ hewheels out the oversized industrial floor vacuum – Yortuk sucks upeverything lying on their coffee table ] This floor vacuum is such awonderful household convenience that we’ve wanted for many years!
Yortuk Festrunk: Yes! Usually, in Czechoslavakia, only high party officials of the Communist Party can get them right away!
Georg Festrunk: I’m glad we were able to smuggle it out of Bratislava!
Yortuk Festrunk: Fox-es! [ they put the vacuum away and swing successfully to the front door to answer it – no foxes, just their neighbor Cliff ] Cliff? Look who it is standing here, our swinging American buddy, Cliff.
Georg Festrunk: Slap my hand, black soul man! [ extends his hand, Cliff slaps it ]
Cliff: [ extends his hand for a slap back, but Georg is mesmorized staring at his own slapped hand ] Uh, hi Georg, hi Yortuk. Hey, man, I was invited to this really hot party tonight. Do you guys wanna go?
Yortuk Festrunk: No way! That’s your funeral! [ laughs ]
Georg Festrunk: Don’t come crawling to us. Two hot fashion models from the fox bar will be here soon to give themselves to the Festrunk Brothers!
Cliff: [ perplexed ] You.. got two ladies coming here tonight? I don’t believe it.
Georg Festrunk: We cruised for them in our tight slacks which give us great bulges!
Cliff: Wait a minute.. if these chicks were so interested, why didn’t they just come back with you, man?
Yortuk Festrunk: Oh, we gave them the address to our bachelor pad. They had to go to the Statue of Liberty to pick up their birth control devices.
Cliff: Uh, what..? The Statue of Liberty..?
Georg Festrunk: They told us that in America, many American parkrangers distribute birth control devices.
Yortuk Festrunk: Poor foxes. Every time they are having sex, they must go to the closest national monument.
Cliff: O-kay.. Yortuk, George.. sit down for a minute, I’ve got to talk to you. [ they all sit down on the couch ] Now, these chicks.. are not going to show up.
Yortuk Festrunk: Who told you that?!
Cliff: Man, you guys have been hosed, baby.
Georg Festrunk: [ excited ] Hosed?! Count me in! [ he andYortuk laugh ]
Cliff: No, no, no, no.. Uh.. hosed.. tricked.. I mean, they stood you up, man. They’re not coming here. These ladies figured, “Hey, we got these two Czechoslavakian dudes trying to pick us up – what do they know? Let’s hose ’em.” These chicks were lying, man.
Georg Festrunk: [ sad ] I blame myself.
Yortuk Festrunk: This really bums me out.
Georg Festrunk: We sure have a drag.
Cliff: Hey, look.. you’re good guys, man. But sometimes you come on too strong, man. Now, when we’re out partying, if you want to score with girls, you can’t keep running around yelling.. [ stands up and imitates the brothers ] ..”Let’s swi-i-ing! You wanna swi-i-ing?” Man, you gotta be cool, man! You’re in America! This is America!
Yortuk Festrunk: Cliff, you’re standing on the base now. Tonight, we did not swing successfully. I’m gonna talk with my brother Georg. [ they communicate for a moment in their native language ] Cliff, we have decided the Festrunk Brothers do not cruise correctly for fozes.
Georg Festrunk: We will never swing again..
Cliff: Look, come on, you guys.. now, look, don’t take it so hard. Let’s go to that party, man!
Yortuk Festrunk: Who can this be?
Georg Festrunk: Someone for Cliff..[ they move slowly to the door, barely swinging – but it’s the foxes ]
Yortuk Festrunk: Now are the foxes!!
Georg Festrunk: Hey, foxes! Clean up your act! [ the brothers laugh ]
Fox #1: Hi, Yortuk. Hi, Georg. Sorry we’re late.
Yortuk Festrunk: No hassles, man. Hey! Listen to Georg’s joke!
Georg Festrunk: Okay! [ to Fox #2 ] “How many astro-sign medallions can you wear?”
Fox #2: I don’t know, I..
Georg Festrunk: “Next time, try five of them!” [ the brothers laugh ]
Yortuk Festrunk: Let’s go, chicks! Le-e-et’s swing![ they swing towards the bedroom – Georg notices Cliff still sitting onthe couch ]
Georg Festrunk: It’s okay, Cliff. Many American girls enjoy you, too. They enjoy your protruding buttocks all the time!
Yortuk Festrunk: [ at the wet bar with the girls ] So get off myback, you big sex machine! Let’s get it on!
Georg Festrunk: So, now you know. We are.. two wild andcrazy guys![ pan out to studio wide shot, with SUPER: “coming up next… Is Roy Rogers Trigger-Happy?” ] [ fade out ]
I thought it was “this really bums me up.”
There are always quite a number of errors in these “transcripts.”
The Czech brothers were my favorite skit of all time. Fun to read this transcript. It’s like seeing it again.