SNL Transcripts: Steve Martin: 04/22/78: Two Wild and Crazy Guys


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 3: Episode 18

77r: Steve Martin / The Blues Brothers

Two Wild and Crazy Guys

Yortuk Festrunk…..Dan Aykroyd
Georg Festrunk…..Steve Martin
Cliff…..Garrett Morris
Fox #1…..Gild Radner
Fox #2…..Laraine Newman

[ those Wild and Crazy Guys, Yortuk and Georg Festrunk swingingly entertheir bachelor pad ]

Yortuk Festrunk: Oh, Georg my brother, there will certainly be alot of swinging in our bachelor pad tonight!

Georg Festrunk: [ laughing and swinging ] Hold it! Let’s catchsome rays!

Yortuk Festrunk: You and what Army! [ they both laugh andswing ] Forget about it! [ they swing-motion towards their wet bar ] Ah, that fox bar was really something tonight. It was no difficulty to see many swinging Americans enjoying each other a great deal.

Georg Festrunk: And here is a thing I will tell you: thattwo swinging foxes have the hots-on for us, and are coming here tonight to let us hold on to their big American breasts!

Yortuk Festrunk: [ pours some drinks ] Why not? There’s nothingpreventing them. After all, there is no other pair of Czech brothers who cruise and swing so successfuly in tight slacks!

Georg Festrunk: [ sips his drink and toasts Yortuk ] We are.. two wild and crazy guys!
Yortuk Festrunk: [ walks into the living room ] Oh, no.. our bachelor pad certainly is messed around. Soon, will be the foxes. Where is the portable floor vacuum that we brought with us from Czechoslavakia?

Georg Festrunk: Wait here now, and you’ll find out! [ hewheels out the oversized industrial floor vacuum – Yortuk sucks upeverything lying on their coffee table ] This floor vacuum is such awonderful household convenience that we’ve wanted for many years!

Yortuk Festrunk: Yes! Usually, in Czechoslavakia, only high party officials of the Communist Party can get them right away!

Georg Festrunk: I’m glad we were able to smuggle it out of Bratislava!

[ the doorbell rings ]

Yortuk Festrunk: Fox-es! [ they put the vacuum away and swing successfully to the front door to answer it – no foxes, just their neighbor Cliff ] Cliff? Look who it is standing here, our swinging American buddy, Cliff.

Georg Festrunk: Slap my hand, black soul man! [ extends his hand, Cliff slaps it ]

Cliff: [ extends his hand for a slap back, but Georg is mesmorized staring at his own slapped hand ] Uh, hi Georg, hi Yortuk. Hey, man, I was invited to this really hot party tonight. Do you guys wanna go?

Yortuk Festrunk: No way! That’s your funeral! [ laughs ]

Georg Festrunk: Don’t come crawling to us. Two hot fashion models from the fox bar will be here soon to give themselves to the Festrunk Brothers!

Cliff: [ perplexed ] You.. got two ladies coming here tonight? I don’t believe it.

Georg Festrunk: We cruised for them in our tight slacks which give us great bulges!

Cliff: Wait a minute.. if these chicks were so interested, why didn’t they just come back with you, man?

Yortuk Festrunk: Oh, we gave them the address to our bachelor pad. They had to go to the Statue of Liberty to pick up their birth control devices.

Cliff: Uh, what..? The Statue of Liberty..?

Georg Festrunk: They told us that in America, many American parkrangers distribute birth control devices.

Yortuk Festrunk: Poor foxes. Every time they are having sex, they must go to the closest national monument.

Cliff: O-kay.. Yortuk, George.. sit down for a minute, I’ve got to talk to you. [ they all sit down on the couch ] Now, these chicks.. are not going to show up.

Yortuk Festrunk: Who told you that?!

Cliff: Man, you guys have been hosed, baby.

Georg Festrunk: [ excited ] Hosed?! Count me in! [ he andYortuk laugh ]

Cliff: No, no, no, no.. Uh.. hosed.. tricked.. I mean, they stood you up, man. They’re not coming here. These ladies figured, “Hey, we got these two Czechoslavakian dudes trying to pick us up – what do they know? Let’s hose ’em.” These chicks were lying, man.

Georg Festrunk: [ sad ] I blame myself.

Yortuk Festrunk: This really bums me out.

Georg Festrunk: We sure have a drag.

Cliff: Hey, look.. you’re good guys, man. But sometimes you come on too strong, man. Now, when we’re out partying, if you want to score with girls, you can’t keep running around yelling.. [ stands up and imitates the brothers ] ..”Let’s swi-i-ing! You wanna swi-i-ing?” Man, you gotta be cool, man! You’re in America! This is America!

Yortuk Festrunk: Cliff, you’re standing on the base now. Tonight, we did not swing successfully. I’m gonna talk with my brother Georg. [ they communicate for a moment in their native language ] Cliff, we have decided the Festrunk Brothers do not cruise correctly for fozes.

Georg Festrunk: We will never swing again..

Cliff: Look, come on, you guys.. now, look, don’t take it so hard. Let’s go to that party, man!

[ the doorbell rings ]

Yortuk Festrunk: Who can this be?

Georg Festrunk: Someone for Cliff..

[ they move slowly to the door, barely swinging – but it’s the foxes ]

Yortuk Festrunk: Now are the foxes!!

Georg Festrunk: Hey, foxes! Clean up your act! [ the brothers laugh ]

Fox #1: Hi, Yortuk. Hi, Georg. Sorry we’re late.

Yortuk Festrunk: No hassles, man. Hey! Listen to Georg’s joke!

Georg Festrunk: Okay! [ to Fox #2 ] “How many astro-sign medallions can you wear?”

Fox #2: I don’t know, I..

Georg Festrunk: “Next time, try five of them!” [ the brothers laugh ]

Yortuk Festrunk: Let’s go, chicks! Le-e-et’s swing!

[ they swing towards the bedroom – Georg notices Cliff still sitting onthe couch ]

Georg Festrunk: It’s okay, Cliff. Many American girls enjoy you, too. They enjoy your protruding buttocks all the time!

Yortuk Festrunk: [ at the wet bar with the girls ] So get off myback, you big sex machine! Let’s get it on!

Georg Festrunk: So, now you know. We are.. two wild andcrazy guys!

[ pan out to studio wide shot, with SUPER: “coming up next… Is Roy Rogers Trigger-Happy?” ] [ fade out ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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2 years ago

I thought it was “this really bums me up.”

Last edited 2 years ago by MPD
Sebastian Morgan
Sebastian Morgan
Reply to  MPD
2 years ago

There are always quite a number of errors in these “transcripts.”

1 year ago

The Czech brothers were my favorite skit of all time. Fun to read this transcript. It’s like seeing it again.

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