SNL Transcripts: Steve Martin: 04/22/78: Love Story


Shop this Summer's hottest t-shirts!
Shop this Summer’s hottest t-shirts!

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 3: Episode 18






77r: Steve Martin / The Blues Brothers

Love Story

Betty…..Jane Curtin
Harold…..John Belushi

[ open in couple’s bedroom, night ]

Betty: Harold, are you asleep? Wake up, Harold — I have something to tell you.

Harold: [ muffled, under his pillow ] Can it wait ’til morning?

Betty: [ shaking him ] Harold, wake up, this is important!

Harold: [ arising ] Okay… What time is it? What is it? [ he glances at the clock ] It’s almost three o’clock in the morning, Betty.

Betty: Harold, are you listening?

Harold: Yes, I’m listening. [ he grabs his glasses ]

Betty: I’ve been cheating on you, Harold?

Harold: [ letting it sink in ] Betty, what are you saying?

Betty: I’m SAYING that I’ve BEEN with another man, Harold! I’m sorry, but it’s been DRIVING ME CRAZY keeping it to myself!

Harold: Ohhh… I can’t believe it. After 22 years of marriage. Who is it? No, don’t tell me. If I knew, I’d probably go out and KILL HIM right now!

Betty: Somebody you know, Harold.

Harold: NO, DON’T TELL ME!!

Betty: I’ve GOT to tell you! It’s the ONLY way I can live with myself! It’s Mr. Lampton!

Harold: Mr. Lampton? The druggist? He’s 72 years old! He’s old enough to be your FATHER!

Betty: [ grinning ] I know! And he’s a lot like my father, Harold — he tells me what to do, and what not to do, he rewards me when I’m good, and he SPANKS me when I’m bad, Harold.

Harold: Ohhhh, Mr. Lampton, huh? Well… [ coughing ] as long as you’re being so frank… I might as well tell you I’ve been fooling around, too, Betty.

Betty: [ amused ] You? Don’t make me laugh! [ she cracks up ]

Harold: Peggy Ann Randolph. [ he raises an eyebrow ]

Betty: I don’t believe it.

Harold: [ he shrugs ] What’s so hard to believe?

Betty: Harold, come on! She’s young enough to be your DAUGHTER!

Harold: [ smugly ] I know!

Betty: How can you keep up with her? She’d KILL you!

Harold: Well, you know, we all gotta go sometime. [ he puts his hands behind his head ] Ah, gee… you and old Mr. Lampton. I just can’t picture it!

Betty: Well, just picture this, Harold — and this happens every day: You go off to work, and I’m home wearing nothing but a housecoat. You know, the pink one you gave me last Christmas?

Harold: Yes.

Betty: Underneath, I’m as NAKED as a jaybird!

Harold: You are?

Betty: Yeah! I sure am! I drive over to Mr. Lampton’s drugstore, I park in the back, I go in the back door, Old Man Lampton’s waiting for me. He’s wearing his white lab coat — also with nothing on underneath.

Harold: Really?

Betty: Yeah, like a wrinkled jaybird.

Harold: Oh.

Betty: Harold, we both count to ten, we TEAR OFF our clothes, and RIGHT THERE on the FLOOR of the pharmacy!… he fills my prescription.

Harold: Yeah, I can picture that.

Betty: Good. Because I can’t picture you with Peggy Ann.

Harold: Well, then let me tell you. Every afternoon, when she’s finished with cheerleading practice, I pick up Peggy across from the school yard and, since I don’t want to be recognized, I disguise myself by wearing a, uh, cub scout uniform. Peggy Ann approaches the car and says, “Does Little Harold want to earn a merit badge?”

Betty: I don’t believe it.

Harold: Ah, well — you BETTER believe it! And I say, “Sure, I’d like a badge.” And then we drive into the woods. I build a fire, she fishes for minnows… and then we DO IT in a PUP TENT!

Betty: [ laughing ] What an imagination! “Pup tent”, that’s great! [ a beat ] I’m ready, how about you?

Harold: Not quite. Tell me about the back of the drugstore again. Now… you only had your housecoat on, right?

Betty: Yeah, my PINK housecoat.

Harold: Alright.

Betty: I drive to the back, he’s got his lab coat on.

Harold: Right.

Betty: And we RIP OFF our clothes!

Harold: Right…

Betty: Oh, I forgot to tell you we’re BOTH WEARING RUBBER GLOVES!!!

Harold: [ ecstatic ] OHHHHH, WOW!! That did it! That’s it, I’m ready!

[ Betty begins to unroll her hair as Harold unbuttons his pajama top ]

Betty: Great story, Harold! Great story!

Harold: I love the rubber gloves!

Betty: Yeah!

Harold: What are we gonna do tomorrow night?

Betty: I don’t know. You want to look at the nude pictures of your parents again?

Harold: Sure, sure!

Betty: Okay!

Harold: Come on!

Betty: Rubber gloves! Rubber gloves! Rubber gloves!

[ they disappear under the covers and turn the lights off ] [ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King is directing his fourteenth season of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him nine Emmys and thirteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for thirteen DGA Awards and won in 2014, 2016, 2017, 2018 and 2019. Mr. King is also the creative director of Broadway Worldwide which brings theatrical events to theaters. The company has produced Smokey Joe’s Café; Putting It Together with Carol Burnett; Jekyll & Hyde; and Memphis, all directed by Mr. King. He completed the screen capture of Broadway's Romeo & Juliet in 2013. - LinkedIn

avatar
  Subscribe  
Notify of