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Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 3: Episode 18
[ open in couple’s bedroom, night ]
Betty: Harold, are you asleep? Wake up, Harold — I have something to tell you.
Harold: [ muffled, under his pillow ] Can it wait ’til morning?
Betty: [ shaking him ] Harold, wake up, this is important!
Harold: [ arising ] Okay… What time is it? What is it? [ he glances at the clock ] It’s almost three o’clock in the morning, Betty.
Betty: Harold, are you listening?
Harold: Yes, I’m listening. [ he grabs his glasses ]
Betty: I’ve been cheating on you, Harold?
Harold: [ letting it sink in ] Betty, what are you saying?
Betty: I’m SAYING that I’ve BEEN with another man, Harold! I’m sorry, but it’s been DRIVING ME CRAZY keeping it to myself!
Harold: Ohhh… I can’t believe it. After 22 years of marriage. Who is it? No, don’t tell me. If I knew, I’d probably go out and KILL HIM right now!
Betty: Somebody you know, Harold.
Harold: NO, DON’T TELL ME!!
Betty: I’ve GOT to tell you! It’s the ONLY way I can live with myself! It’s Mr. Lampton!
Harold: Mr. Lampton? The druggist? He’s 72 years old! He’s old enough to be your FATHER!
Betty: [ grinning ] I know! And he’s a lot like my father, Harold — he tells me what to do, and what not to do, he rewards me when I’m good, and he SPANKS me when I’m bad, Harold.
Harold: Ohhhh, Mr. Lampton, huh? Well… [ coughing ] as long as you’re being so frank… I might as well tell you I’ve been fooling around, too, Betty.
Betty: [ amused ] You? Don’t make me laugh! [ she cracks up ]
Harold: Peggy Ann Randolph. [ he raises an eyebrow ]
Betty: I don’t believe it.
Harold: [ he shrugs ] What’s so hard to believe?
Betty: Harold, come on! She’s young enough to be your DAUGHTER!
Harold: [ smugly ] I know!
Betty: How can you keep up with her? She’d KILL you!
Harold: Well, you know, we all gotta go sometime. [ he puts his hands behind his head ] Ah, gee… you and old Mr. Lampton. I just can’t picture it!
Betty: Well, just picture this, Harold — and this happens every day: You go off to work, and I’m home wearing nothing but a housecoat. You know, the pink one you gave me last Christmas?
Betty: Underneath, I’m as NAKED as a jaybird!
Harold: You are?
Betty: Yeah! I sure am! I drive over to Mr. Lampton’s drugstore, I park in the back, I go in the back door, Old Man Lampton’s waiting for me. He’s wearing his white lab coat — also with nothing on underneath.
Betty: Yeah, like a wrinkled jaybird.
Betty: Harold, we both count to ten, we TEAR OFF our clothes, and RIGHT THERE on the FLOOR of the pharmacy!… he fills my prescription.
Harold: Yeah, I can picture that.
Betty: Good. Because I can’t picture you with Peggy Ann.
Harold: Well, then let me tell you. Every afternoon, when she’s finished with cheerleading practice, I pick up Peggy across from the school yard and, since I don’t want to be recognized, I disguise myself by wearing a, uh, cub scout uniform. Peggy Ann approaches the car and says, “Does Little Harold want to earn a merit badge?”
Betty: I don’t believe it.
Harold: Ah, well — you BETTER believe it! And I say, “Sure, I’d like a badge.” And then we drive into the woods. I build a fire, she fishes for minnows… and then we DO IT in a PUP TENT!
Betty: [ laughing ] What an imagination! “Pup tent”, that’s great! [ a beat ] I’m ready, how about you?
Harold: Not quite. Tell me about the back of the drugstore again. Now… you only had your housecoat on, right?
Betty: Yeah, my PINK housecoat.
Betty: I drive to the back, he’s got his lab coat on.
Betty: And we RIP OFF our clothes!
Betty: Oh, I forgot to tell you we’re BOTH WEARING RUBBER GLOVES!!!
Harold: [ ecstatic ] OHHHHH, WOW!! That did it! That’s it, I’m ready![ Betty begins to unroll her hair as Harold unbuttons his pajama top ]
Betty: Great story, Harold! Great story!
Harold: I love the rubber gloves!
Harold: What are we gonna do tomorrow night?
Betty: I don’t know. You want to look at the nude pictures of your parents again?
Harold: Sure, sure!
Harold: Come on!
Betty: Rubber gloves! Rubber gloves! Rubber gloves![ they disappear under the covers and turn the lights off ] [ fade ]