Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 3: Episode 18
Weekend Update with Jane Curtin & Dan Aykroyd
Announcer: And now, “Weekend Update”, with the “Weekend Update”news team. Brought to you by Cruelex, the first men’s grooming aid that promotes jock itch. Here are co-anchorpersons Jane Curtin and Dan Aykroyd.
Dan Aykroyd: Good evening. I’m Dave Aykroyd. [ cringes ] Jane Curtin: And I’m Jean Curtin. Here now, the news.
Our top story tonight: Aldo Moro is alive. The well-being of the former Italian president was confirmed this week, when his subductress issued this photograph of Moro, holding Wednesday’s paper. And, in a related story, “Weekend Update” has received proof of the well-being of another person feared dead – this photograph of former Teamster boss, Jimmy Hoffa, shown holding today’s Daily News. Questioned as to his whereabouts all this time, Hoffa exclaimed that he had bee a regular on the “Lou Grant” TV series, and attributes his so-called disappearance to “low ratings”.
House and Senate conferees finally reached an agreement yesterday onnational gas pricing, a year and a day after President Carter unveiled his energy program. Energy Secretary James Schlessinger is encouraged, and says the only thing that got him through the last 12 months was watching the phenomenal success of his illegitimate son, comedian Steve Martin.
Believed to have been dead for the last five years, Lyndon Johnson, this week, gave a surprise visit to Jimmy Carter at the White House. Aging and white-haired, but looking remarkably fit, the former President said his death in 1973 was just a hoax. He then flew out to Missouri to visit Harry Truman.
Dan Aykroyd: Uh.. authorities have issued a marijuana alert, because.. uh.. in fact, much of it has been sprayed, under orders of the U.S. Health Department, with the deadly herbacide Paraquet. Uh.. an easy test is now available to find out whether or not marijuana does contain Paraquet. As a public service, we sent correspondent Garrett Morris.. uh.. uptown to.. uh.. see if.. uh.. we could get some dope, so we could show you how to test it. Uh.. you have the stuff?
Garrett Morris: Uh.. yeah..
Dan Aykroyd: Okay.. [ slips Garrett the money as the marijuana is slipped to him ] Here’s some bread.. Now, please, in no way does this mean that we at “Weekend Update” advocate the smoking of arijuana. It’s just that a survey shows that 90% of our viewers smoke it daily. So, it’s for that minority that we’re doing this test.. [ examines the bag of marijuana uncomfortably, turns to Garrett ] This looks really light..
Garrett Morris: No, man, it’s cool.
Dan Aykroyd: It’s light, give me the rest of the lid, man.
Garrett Morris: Look, it’s clean, man.. no seeds, no stems, that’s all.
Dan Aykroyd: It’s light, it’s under, it’s under..
Garrett Morris: Man, I can’t go back up there, man, okay? Those guys scare me.
Dan Aykroyd: I’m sorry, Garrett, but that’s the third you’veshort-changed us. Everybody here’s gonna get really mad..
Garrett Morris: Please, man, don’t make me go back up there. They’re gonna beat me up again, man, I know.. [ inches away from the Update desk ]
Dan Aykroyd: [ to the audience ] We’ll show you that test later. You see, to perform it, you need a complete ounce. Not three-quarters or seven-eighths, but a complete ounce! Sorry to take up your time.
In New Delhi, the Indian Institute of Medicine has developed the world’s first nasal spray contraceptive. Although theoretically effective, doctors won’t be able to know conclusively until they find someone in India who practices nasal intercourse.
Dan Aykroyd: Tonight on “Point/Counterpoint”, Jane and I will argue Federal Aid for Abortions. Jane will take the Point for Federal Aid, and I will take the Counterpoint against. Jane?
Jane Curtin: Safe abortions have always been available to the rich, Dan. You simply want to deny them to the poor, and if you succeed, poor woman will be forced to get them anyway. They’ll beforced into the alleys with hangers, plungers and vacuum cleaners, risking death or mutilation. But you’d like that, wouldn’t you, Dan, you sadistic, elitist, sexist, racist, anti-humanist pig!
Dan Aykroyd: Jane, you ignorant, misguided slut! Once again, you missed the point entirely. [ enraged ] Why should I pay hard-earned dollars so welfare tarts can have sex anytime they want, without regards to consequences? Haven’t these bimbos heard of abstinence? I, myself, haven’t had sex for two years – and I’m rich! Why should I foot the bill for killing unborn infants, anyway? I’ll pay for something practical like sterilization – but abortions? Never! With one exception – if I had been around when your mother was having you, not only would I have paid for the abortion, but I would have performed it myself!
Jane Curtin: Thank you, Dan.
Dan Aykroyd: Uh.. recent bulletin. This just in: Garrett Morris is dead. What appears to have been a drug-related incident, eight youths fatally shot the late “Update” correspondent at a mid-town playground. Another Paraquet-related death, Jane.
Jane Curtin: Hoping your news is good news. Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow.
Announcer: “Weekend Update” is a presentation of “Saturday NightNews”. Keeping America informed for over a fiftieth of a century.