Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 3: Episode 19
Cone Encounters of the Third Kind
Roy Neary…..Richard Dreyfuss
Beldar Conehead…..Dan Aykroyd
Prymaat Conehead…..Jane Curtin
Connie Conehead…..Laraine Newman
High Master…..John Belushi
[ open on Roy Neary in bathrobe, trying to create his mountainous structure with some difficulty as the news plays on a TV in the corner ]
TV Voice: ..near Devil’s Tower, Wyoming. The Army has evacuated 1,000..
Roy Neary: [ throwing clay and dirt at his structure ] Not right! Not right! It’s NOT RIGHT!! [ picks up a large cone-shaped piece of clay, and fixes it on top of the mountain structure ] That’s it! Yeah! That’s it, I.. I know what this is![ SUPER: “Cone Encounters of the Third Kind” ] [ phone rings ]
Roy Neary: [ his wife on the other line ] Hello? Where are you?! At your sisters?! When are you coming home? No.. I’m not crazy! Honey, honey, listen: I know I saw something the other night! Nahhh.. I just want to know what’s going on! Is there anything wrong with that? Look, hey, Ronnie.. everyone has bad days, you know? Ronnie, will you let me finish! I’m not nuts!
Roy Neary: I’ll call you back![ “National Driving School” jingle sounds like the five notes from “Close Encounters” ] [ dissolve to Conehead living room, where the family watches Beldar’s commercial with joy ]
Connie Conehead: Oh, Daddy! Daddy, you were very good!
Prymaat Conehead: Beldar! Your commercial message has appeared on the ion bombardment tube!
Connie Conehead: It was far out!
Prymaat Conehead: Your cone appears larger on the ion tube.
Beldar Conehead: It does not matter! Nothing matters! I have received a vital communication from Remulak! The High Master is coming to Earth! He wishes to inspect the star cruiser refueling station which we were sent to install on this miserable planet!
Pryaat & Connie: Ohhh, noooo!!
Beldar Conehead: Yes! The impulses from the monotron crystal indicate that his star cruiser has already entered the Earth’s traposphere.
Prymaat Conehead: Beldar, the High Master expects to see a fully operational protoid refueling station! We have done nothing to accomplish this mission!
Beldar Conehead: I know.. I know..
Prymaat Conehead: We have not yet even seized the planet! You said the High Master would not visit us for at least 300 years!
Beldar Conehead: How was I to know that Afkhan would succeed with the insurgence of the muldred nebula!
Connie Conehead: Oh, boy.. leave me out of this, parental units. You already blew it.
Beldar Conehead: Young one, your cone is also on the block.
Prymaat Conehead: Beldar! It was you who lost the speech!
Beldar Conehead: It was you who plunged our star cruiser into Lake Michigan! Mip!
Prymaat Conehead: Mip!
Beldar Conehead: Mip![ doorbell rings; they panic ] [ Beldar answers door to Roy Neary, still in bathrobe ]
Beldar Conehead: A human. Greetings. Go away!
Roy Neary: [ excited ] You’re the guy! You’re the guy on the TV commercial!
Beldar Conehead: No! no droving lessons today! Go away!
Roy Neary: No! No! I really want to talk to you! There’s something about you! I don’t know exactly what it is, but I just know it’s important, and I have to come here!
Connie Conehead: Look, man, you’d better split! Something really heavy is coming down here!
Roy Neary: I know! That’s why I’m here! Tell me what’s gonna happen! Listen, why do I feel as if I know you..? Who are you people?!
Prymaat Conehead: [ hesitant ] We are Coneheads.. from Remulak.
Roy Neary: Remulak? Where is Remulak?[ rumbling noise is heard from outside ]
Prymaat Conehead: In France! We come from France!
Roy Neary: France? What part of France?
Beldar Conehead: It is too late for the human to leave. The High Master has arrived![ High Master’s star cruiser hovers over house, like the mother Ship hovers over Devil’s Tower ] [ Merkon enters Conehead residence ]
Merkon: I am Merkon from Remulak. All hail Kuldroth the High Master.[ High Master enters, as Coneheads chant their greeting ]
High Master: Greetings, Beldar.. Prymaat. Mmm.. your young one is growing into a beautiful krotmar.
Connie Conehead: But I don’t want to be a krotmar!
Roy Neary: Wait a minute!! Wait a minute!! I know what it is, now.. it’s your heads! It’s the weird shape of your heads! And those bright lights outside – you’re not from France! You’re not even from Europe!
High Master: This human. Is he the leader of the united nation, who’s here to convey my message to the people of Earth?!
Beldar Conehead: No.
High Master: Beldar.. is this the protoid station? Show me the neevgun marshes for stocking the star cruisers! Where are the fuel ports for the protoid caps?!
Prymaat Conehead: We.. we deemed it wise not to complete all of the refueling structures until we were sure that the human we selected to be the Supreme Refueling Attendant, uh.. to have been correctly trained.
High Master: Hmm.. Supreme Attendant?
Beldar Conehead: Uh, yes.. the Supreme Refueling Attendant for Protoid Station Earth.
High Master: Hmm..
Roy Neary: You mean me? You have chosen me to be the.. Supreme Attendant! I knew it was important! I understand now! You people are from another planet!
High Master: Mmm.. yes indeed, Beldar. Beldar, this human will make a good attendant. We will take him. Ah, we will train him and send him back in fifty years. Continue your mission! Merkon, bring the human.
Roy Neary: I just want to know that this is really happening!
Merkon: Attention Human: it’s really happening! There are three types of protoid fuel: Super, Regular, and Novalite.
Roy Neary: [ in alien voice ] Yes! I understand! I will journey with you to your planet – Remulak!
Beldar Conehead: [ to Roy ] I envy you![ Roy follows Merkon and the High Master out the door, as the Coneheads snicker behind his back ] [ dissolve to High Master’s star cruiser hovering back into space ] [ as the top star cruiser is revealed to be a prop being pulled by prop men, SUPER rises: “coming up next… Can TV Reproduce Itself?” ] [ fade ]