SNL Transcripts: Richard Dreyfuss: 05/13/78: Father Guido Sarducci

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 3: Episode 19

77s: Richard Dreyfuss / Jimmy Buffett, Gary Tigerman

Father Guido Sarducci

…..Richard Dreyfuss
Father Guido Sarducci…..Don Novello

Richard Dreyfuss: All the way from Rome — the rock critic and gossip columnist for L’observateur Romano, the Vatican newspaper, and my spiritual advisor — Father Guido Sarducci!

[ camera zooms over to Father Guido Sarducci standing on crutches ]

Father Guido Sarducci: Thank you! Thank you! Hey, it’s-a wonderful to be back in-a America. I tell you, it’s-a not so wonderful to be-a on-a these-a crutches! You know? But… that’s-a the way-a it goes. I got into this-a big motorcycle accident — in Rome. I just-a passed up a couple trucks, you know? And I-a just went down to-a straighten out my St. Christopher Medal… and-a from NOWHERE, you know, there’s-a this like-a… [ he claps his hands together ] I got hit by a nun on a Vespa. That’s right. I’m telling you. I was-a in the hospital, you know, and it’s just been one thing after another, you know? But — thank you, God — I’m feeling better now, you know, and everything’s-a pretty good.

While I was-a busy in the hospital, I was-a translating some-a new encyclical… that the pope’s coming out with in a couple of months. And I’m-a telling you, it’s gonna shake up a LOT of people. That-a Pope, you know, he’s-a really got GUTS! [ he takes a drag on his cigarette ] You know… most of the time, we don’t like-a to tell people new stuff, you know, because they can’t-a change, you know? Like, we’ve known for years and years about Jesus’ younger brother. He had a younger brother. Billy… was-a his name. Billy Christ. Actually, it’s his-a stepbrother. Stepbrother, you know? And-a we got the PROOF, too. We got-a this-a PROOF. Because we got a lot of paintings, you know? And-a it shows Jesus walking on-a the water — and-a next to him, you can see like there’s a leaf in the water. You think it’s a leaf, but if you look-a real close… you can=a see like it’s the top of a snorkel. It was-a Billy down there, and, you know, and-a his-a brother was, you know, stepping on him. You know. On-a his-a shoulders, you had the snorkel, you know, and… I mean, I don’t mean to make fun — I mean-a, Jesus, you know, he was-a the greatest man who ever lived. But, I mean… he couldn’t-a walk on water, you know? Coem on! Grow up! [ he takes a drag on his cigarette ]

Anyway — the Pope’s-a doing an encyclical. It’s called the “Vita est Lavorum.” In English, that means: “Life, It’s A Job.” And that’s-a what-a we found out — life is hard, you think it’s difficult sometimes? That’s-a because it’s a JOB! We’re all-a getting paid $14.50 a day. It don’t sound like much. I mean, $14.50 a day, but, you know, over a period of, like, 60-70-80 years… it’s-a nothing to sneeze your nose at. And-a, what happens to you when-a you die… you know, it’s like-a the soul leaves the body, it’s like a little bubbling 7-Up. You know? It just-a- goes-a shooting up, and-a you see yourself going down this-a long tunnel — but you’re not afraid. And then, when you get to the end, you see your whole life go by you. You know? From when you was a little-a baby… ’til the day you die. And then… they pay you. God and his-a helpers. You know, they bring-a in all of this money, and then… God goes over all-a of-a your sins. And ou get FINED. You know, it’s like, uh… like, maybe like stealing a car’s like $400. Murder is… maybe, you know, the worst — it’s like $50,000. And masturbation… eh, maybe, you know, like twenty-five, thirty-five cents. You know. That’s-a cheap sin. You know, but-a for a lot of people, you know, it can amount up. It-a just-a shows, you know — there is-a NO free lunch.

Anyway — you got-a all of your sins, you know? And if you have enough money to pay for your sins, you can-a go to Heaven. But — if you don’t have enough money, you gotta go back again, you know? And, like, be born again, and, like going back-a to work, you know? And-a, you know, it’s-a real-a tough. But… [ he takes a drag on his cigarette ] some guys, like mafiosa types, you know, they might have to spend-a four, five lifetimes as nuns… just making up for it, you know? Most nuns are former mafiosas. I don’t know if you know that. That’s the truth.

Anyway — it was-a MORE than wonderful spending a couple of moments in here-a with you. Arriverderci, America!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

One thought on “SNL Transcripts: Richard Dreyfuss: 05/13/78: Father Guido Sarducci”

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