SNL Transcripts: Richard Dreyfuss: 05/13/78: Nick Springs


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 3: Episode 19

77s: Richard Dreyfuss / Jimmy Buffett, Gary Tigerman

Nick Springs

Nick…Bill Murray
Paul…Paul Shaffer
Joan…Gilda Radner
Bill…John Belushi
Jeff Greenspoon…Richard Dreyfuss
Mrs. Liebowitz…Laraine Newman
Jimmy Joe Red Sky…Dan Aykroyd
People at Table…Anne Beatts, Mitchell Laurance, Rosie Shuster

[Open on close-up of a Univox SR-120 drum machine. Camera pans back to show Nick adjusting the dials before greeting the audience from onstage]

Nick: Welcome to the Honeymoon Room here at the Pocomont. I’m Nick Springs, and I’m here to entertain you.

[Paul begins playing “I Love To Love You, Baby” on the piano]

Nick: Ha-ha! [Gyrates and sings]“I… I love to love you, baby.
I… I love to love you baby [Turns up the tempo on the drum machine]I… I love to love you, baby
I… I love to love you, baby [Turns up the tempo some more]I… I love to love you, baby
Ah-ha… I love to love you, baby [Turns up the tempo even more]Ahh… I love to love you, baby
Ahh-Ahh… I love to love you, baby
Ah! Ah! Ahhh! Ahhh! Ahhhhhhh! [Turns drum machine off]I love to love you — and only you forever and ever — babyyyy!”

[Crowd applauds as Nick lights a cigarette]

Nick: Thank you very much. Was it as good for you as it was for me? I hope so. How many people here in the Honeymoon Room tonight believe in the institution of marriage, can I hear from you? [Crowd applauds] Yeah, I had a feeling. How many people here from New Jersey? [Crowd applauds] Yeah, thought so, I thought so. Yeah, there’s a lotta love over there in Jersey, lotta love. [Walks over to a seated couple with calamine lotion on their faces] How about you two, where are you from?

Joan: Passaic. Uh, Mrs. Joan Shomer.

Nick: How long’ve you been married?

Joan: Two days.

Nick: Is this the lucky guy?

Bill: Yes. Ah, Bill Shomer, from Seacaucus, now Passaic.

Nick: What’s the pink stuff all over your face, kids?

Bill: Aw, it’s calamine lotion.

Joan: Well, the-the first thing we did when we got here was do a little private, ah, sunbathing, and there was poison ivy in the woods.

Nick: Ooo-hoo-hoo, well, I hate to say it, but I coulda told you so, Shomers. [Stands up] You two are gonna have an unusual honeymoon this week because… [sings]“You can look, but you better not touch
You’re gonna need an ocean of calamine lotion
Ah, you’ll be scratchin’ like a hound
The minute you start to mess around
With poison ivy, poison ivy.”

Well, it looks like this marriage seems to be working, huh? [Walks to another table] This marriage seems to be working, am I right?

People At Table: You bet. Overtime, man!

Nick: Ah-ha, good one! [Walks to a table with only a man seated] This marr–where is she? [Walks to a table with a man whispering into a woman’s ear. They both cover their faces when Nick introduces them] Uh-oh, here is Jeff Greenspoon. He’s a guy in the industry that I wanna tell you about, just a minute, but first he’s got a lovely young lady with him. Hey, nymph, what’s your name?

Mrs. Liebowitz: [mumbles] Mrs. Liebowitz.

Nick: I’m sorry, what’s that?

Mrs. Liebowitz: [mumbles] Mrs. Liebowitz.

Nick: I’m sorry, I can’t hear. Please. Thank you.

Mrs. Liebowitz: Mrs. … Liebowitz.

Nick: Oh! Oh! Are you the wife of the man who injured himself when he slipped in one of our heart-shaped bathtubs up here?

Mrs. Liebowitz: That’s right. He’s lying down in our room now.

Nick: Well that is too bad. Could we send a complimentary bottle of Andre champagne over to their room on Nick Springs. And–How about that?

Mrs. Liebowitz: Thank you.

Nick: And now this crazy nut, Jeff Greenspoon, [Jeff covers his eyes with his hand] this is a guy who believed in me when no one did, and the guy who booked me in here at the Pocomont. C’mon, give him a hand! Stand up, would ya Jeff?

[Jeff stands halfway up with his head down, then quickly sits again]

Nick: How do ya feel, Jeff?

Jeff Greenspoon: Ah, wonderful, Nick. I couldn’t-a done it without you. Just keep on doin’ what you’re doin’. Keep your collar open, move around a lot, use the microphone.

Nick: Well, right you are. You know, Jeff, Jeff is a Jew. But he’s always been more than fair with me, and I love that about him. Any requests, Mrs. Liebowitz?

Mrs. Liebowitz: [frustrated] No!

Nick: All right. Jeff and Mrs. Liebowitz, this one is for you. [sings]“Hava Nagilah, Hava Nagilah, Hava Nagilah, hey v’nismicha
Hava nah-in-din-din, Hava nah-in-din-din
Hava ah-lah, hey v’nismicha
Uru achim, b’lev somayach, Uru achim, b’lev somayach
Uru achim, b’lev somayach, Uru achim, b’lev somayach
Uru achim…”

ay-ya! [Turns on the drum machine, imitates the beats and bobs his head as he turns up the tempo] The Univox SR-120, ladies and gentlemen!

“Uru achim! Dun-dun da-da da-da daaaaaa!”

Thank you! Ah! I happen to know Hava Nagilah. Hey, I see the groundskeeper for the Pocomont, Jimmy Joe Red Sky! Come on up here, J.J.!

[Crowd applauds as Jimmy Joe Red Sky walks onstage carrying a dripping dead squirrel]

Nick: Tell the kids what they can do during the daytime here at Pocomont.

Jimmy Joe Red Sky: Well, all the tennis courts are about ready and the driving range, and you can rent your clubs and balls for five bucks. And look at this! [Holds up the squirrel]

Nick: A squirrel!

Jimmy Joe Red Sky: Yeah, I was cleaning out the pool and I found this little guy in the filter. But you can go swimmin’. I just put a lotta chlorine in the water, so don’t open your eyes underwater for a few days. I need a drink, Nick. [walks offstage and exits]

Nick: Ha, it’s on Nick Winter–Nick Springs. Just a second, keep your eyes closed? That was a good one, wasn’t it? Everybody heard that? Ha! Hey, my accompanist, Paul Shaffer. Come on, everyone in the room. [Crowd applauds as Paul partially stands up] Hey, did any–who was playin’ the music so loud this morning? Anybody? Did anybody hear some real loud music about six o’clock? Paul, did you?

Paul: Yes, I did.

Nick: Did it go something like [sings] “da-da-da, da-da” [Paul imitates the melody on the piano] Yeah. [Nick pauses, then turns to the crowd as Paul plays a downward crescendo on the piano] Dah! How many of you were fooled? Come on, hands! [Everyone raises their hands] I got everybody, ha-ha! [sings]“A first encounter, you
Next encounter, me
The third encounter’s love
The Close Encounters, theeeeme
Close Encounters theme.”

Thank you! Good night, everybody! Go to your rooms!

[dissolve to wide studio shot, with SUPER: “coming up next… Justifiable Pesticide”] [Applause and fade]

Submitted by: John Ravetti

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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