SNL Transcripts: Richard Dreyfuss: 05/13/78: Paraquat



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 3: Episode 19






77s: Richard Dreyfuss / Jimmy Buffett, Gary Tigerman

Paraquat

Pedro…John Belushi
Woman…Gilda Radner
Announcer…Dan Aykroyd
…Buddy Williams
…Bill Murray

[Open on Pedro and a woman harvesting marijuana in a field. A plane is heard flying overhead as it dumps a white powder onto the crops]

Woman: Pedro! Pedro, this must be a sign from Our Lady of Guadalupe. It hasn’t snowed in Sonora for 192 years. It’s a MIRACLE!

Pedro: It’s not a miracle! It’s Paraquat!

Woman: Pedro, is this a sign that we will have an early harvest?

Pedro: Darn right we’re gonna have an early harvest, like tonight! We gonna cut and bathe this stuff right away, we can still sell it to the Gringos.

Woman: But Pedro, doesn’t it cause irreversible lung damage?

Pedro: Have you been reading newspapers again, huh? [Slaps woman] Wha’d you been doing, huh? [Slaps her two more times] Come on, work, work! It’s harvest time! HARVEST TIME!

Announcer: Yes, Paraquat does affect the quality of marijuana, but it does not affect the importation and traffic. One afternoon from this secluded valley in Sonora province, Mexico [Dissolve to North American map with a mule placed over Sonora] one-hundred tons of Paraquat-treated marijuana was transported by mule [mule moves to a plane just south of Texas] to a point 30 miles south of the United States border at York, Texas. Here, 50 tons was transferred to six converted Lockheed Hudson C-40 transport planes with flight plans for the American Midwest. [Plane on map moves north to Kansas, where a semi truck is positioned] Six hours later, the six cannabis-carrying transport planes touched down safely in the wheat field of a high-volume dealer near Pitkin, Kansas, where most of the payload was seized by federal and state law enforcement officials acting on an elderly neighbor’s tip. [Plane falls off map] But before the lawmen could surround the area, ten tons were concealed in a refrigerated tractor-trailer unit hauling a load of fresh zucchini [semi drives east to a van positioned in Kentucky] Agricultural officials stopped the tractor trailer at Bowling Green, Kentucky and, while making a random inspection, they discovered the marijuana in the zucchini. Of the ten tons on that truck, nine were seized by drug enforcement agency representatives [semi falls off map] who accepted a large bribe to let the only remaining ton leave the state safely in a customized van [van drives southeast to a saxophone player in Georgia]. This shipment was delivered to a professional cannabis broker in Macon, Georgia. This broker subsequently sold two pounds to a black musician, who returned to New York City. [Sax player moves northeast to New York] The musician took some paraquat-treated joints to work one night, and passed one of them to a young actor.

[Dissolve to Bill Murray accepting a joint from SNL bass player Buddy Williams]

Bill Murray: Are you sure this stuff is okay?

Buddy Williams: Oh yes, man. I swear it’s Colombian.

[Bill takes a few puffs, gags and coughs]

Bill Murray: [in a raspy voice] “Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

Submitted by: John Ravetti

SNL Transcripts

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King is directing his fourteenth season of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him nine Emmys and thirteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for thirteen DGA Awards and won in 2014, 2016, 2017, 2018 and 2019. Mr. King is also the creative director of Broadway Worldwide which brings theatrical events to theaters. The company has produced Smokey Joe’s Café; Putting It Together with Carol Burnett; Jekyll & Hyde; and Memphis, all directed by Mr. King. He completed the screen capture of Broadway's Romeo & Juliet in 2013. - LinkedIn

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