[ open on dark apartment, as couple enters and turns on the lights ]
Judi: I STILL don’t understand why you didn’t like the SALAD!
Richard: I told you, because I hate pimentos! [ he picks up the TV Guide ]
Richard: So I hate pimentos! You know? Because you don’t know what they are! I mean, what are pimentos? They’re red things you put in olives and salads, but what are they? Actual things, you know? Do they grow on farms? Are there pimento farms? What?!
Judi: I don’t think it’s necessary to know if there are pimento farms in order to eat salads that contain pimentos!
Richard: You know, I’ve never known you to interrogate me about a garnish before.
Judi: Well, it’s not just the garnish, okay? It’s other things… it’s bigger things.
Richard: [ reading the TV Guide ] Let’s see… Thursday at 10:30, what have we got?
Judi: [ she sighs ] Okay! Avoiding the subject! Building up a nice uncomfortable SILENCE, that’ll be FUN!
Richard: Do you think anything good is on?
Judi: Is that your favorite sentence — “Is anything good on?”
Richard: NO! My favorite sentence is “Hello, hurt me!”
Judi: Oh, well, I guess this is going to be the part of the evening where we watch TV and… you mouth the lines with them on “The Honeymooners”.
Richard: [ reading ] “Felix and Oscar get invited to a bowling tournament.” I saw that this afternoon! That was on this afternoon! I hate that! I hate when they put on in the afternoon what they’re gonna put on in the evening!
Judi: You hate it, but you’ll watch it.
Richard: True. True. I’m into a LOT of things I hate![ he turns the TV on and sits to watch “The Odd Couple”, as she sits down and endures it for as long as she can ]
Judi: [ she turns the TV off ] Whhhhyyyyy are we watching this show?!
Richard: Because it’s GOOD!
Judi: I HATE that expression, “Because it’s GOOD!” That’s what people say to describe mediocre Chinese restaurants and movies they don’t understand!
Richard: What’s the matter with good?
Judi: It’s such a NOTHING concept! It’s like “nuts”, “good”, and “nice”, they all wave to each other from across the dictionary!
Richard: You know, that is EXACTLY the kind of thing you would say! That is EXACTLY the kind of… dot-your-I’s-with-little-circles outlook on life that you have, you know?
Judi: [ taking offense ] I don’t dot my eyes with little circles!
Richard: You spell your name with an I! “Judi” with an I! Which, in 1967, I will just BET was topped by an adorable little circle!
Judi: Um, no, it wasn’t.
Richard: Yeah. Or a heart! It was ADORABLE, you know?! You know when you get adorable? You know, like, uh, like when you put on my old flannel shirt — which you put on because you say it’s more comfortable, but really it’s because it’s BIG on you, and you think you look adorable in it! This is a true thing about you! There’s lots of latent adorableness! If you don’t watch out, one day you’re gonna put on my shirt, get a “Honk If You’re Horny” bumper sticker, and buy lots of, uh — uh — “Jottings From Judi” stationery!
Judi: [ throwing her arms in the air ] This is my FAVORITE conversation pf my LIFE!
Richard: You don’t mind, I’m just gonna mouth the words with Felix and Oscar, okay?
Judi: Oh, enjoy! [ a beat ] Pimento bigot!
Richard: Plus — you LOVE calling potato chips… “that poison”! You just LOVE calling potato chips and candy… “THAT POISON!!” These are foods which, for many years, you ATE DAILY!! But now, you love to call them “THAT POISON!!” I still enjoy these foods! I AM waiting for the day that I’ll have the penaut butter cup attack that’ll kill me! But until then, I’m sucking ’em down, sister! Sucking down the poison, which I would prefer you did not mention! You know? Basically, this makes me PUKE! Okay?
Judi: Thank you so very much.
Richard: I mean… I’m onto you. You know? Eating pimentos, putting down potato chips. You could really convince me that you’re one of those perfume ad Today girls, except that I know for a fact that you’re tow favorite movies are Fellini’s “Satyricon” and “Where The Boys Are”.
Judi: You know… when you lick a joint, you always hold your tongue so that it looks like you’re licking the paper in the most efficient possible way. I have actually seen you watch yourself doing this in nearby toasters or things that reflect — watched you… practice your time!
Judi: So! That is life! That is YOU in life! Afraid to eat pimentos! Practicing your tongue! YOU are Mr. Rigid! Never leaves the house without Kleenex. You know — I know you. I know that every time you write a name in your address book, you have to write it in the SAME felt-tip pen as all the other names in your address ook are written in! I’ve seen you skip over whole working Bic pens, looking for a black felt-tip one!
Richard: Look! I am not Mr. Rigid! I may not be king of the gypsies, but I’m not Mr. Rigid! I like to think of myself as Mr. Good Sense! They know me at the cleaners… I like getting those coupons at the supermarket that you have to scrape away the top to see if it says “You Win $1,000.” I like that! I enjoy it! I look forward to it! I like simple things! You know? I like Blue Shield and Blue Cross! This, to me, is pleasure. I am planted firmly on the Earth — and so are you. Which leads me to believe that, uh, I don’t know what this big hoo-hah is all about! I mean, obviously, something else is on your mind. What is it?[ he waits ]
Judi: You open your mouth too far when you kiss. I mean, you know when we’re kissing and I sort of try to close my mouth a little? Well, that’s to indicate to you that your mouth is open too FAR for me! I mean, this is a SIGNAL! [ she smiles maliciously ] Should we go on?
Richard: [ he makes a frustrated face ] Okay. Ohhhh-kay! [ he whips off his jacket ] Foreplay! Alright? Foreplay! Okay! You know that thing when you kiss me in those little circles that get bigger and bigger all around my back? And then you start working your way into crucial areas very slowly, to add to the excitement? It’s boring! I never told you this, because I can tell you worked real hard on timing! You know? Not to go too fast, not too go too slow… and you got this real good build-up to ecstasy. So I haven’t said anything, you know? Not to hurt your feelings. But it’s BOR-ING!! It’s like sitting through Coming Attractions!
Judi: Last week, you tied me up!
Richard: You asked me to!
Judi: We agreed!
Richard: I know we agreed!
Judi: Then you left the room!!! You LEFT the room!!
Richard: [ meekly ] Well, I can’t go to sleep without brushing my teeth.
Judi: I WAS TIED UP!! Did I look like I was going to sleep?!!
Richard: Alright, HOW much longer is this going to take?!
Judi: This is it! Also, once, very recently… I wrapped my legs around your chest. And it ended up to be for absolutely… no… reason! I mean, while I was doing it, I was thinking, “I’m not exactly sure why I’m doing it, but I’m sure I’ll find out.” Only… like, either you got confused, or you couldn’t remember how to do what you were thinking, or something! THe point is: It was for ABSOLUTELY NO REASON!! And I looked stupid DOING IT!! THe fact is, ALL sex looks very stupid on the whole! So if you’re gonna do something, and you KNOW it looks stupid, it’s GOT to be for a REASON!! That’s all!! It really should!! That’s all!!
Richard: [ confused ] I have to digest this… I’m one of those digestives.[ she sits next to him, as he mulls over their conversation ]
Judi: [ seductively ] Is anything good on?
Richard: [ he turns to look at her ] Nah.[ he tosses the TV Guide over his shoulder, turns the TV off, as they take each other’s hand and slowly retreat tp the bedroom ] [ a lone audience member yells, “Yeah!” ] [ dissolve to wide shot of set, with SUPER: “coming up next… The Germ As A household Pet” ] [ fade ]