Dr. Candice Brightman…..Laraine Newman
Dr. Judd Quimson…..Bill Murray
Dr. Francine Shoes…..Gilda Radner
Dr. Herbert Rice…..Garrett Morris
Richard Dreyfuss: Good evening. This is Richard Dreyfuss. Our show is called “The Sex Test”. It is designed to promote good sexual health by dealing with some of the most common questions and misconceptions surrounding sex. Where needed, we will have amplication from psychologists and sex specialists. Sex is a delicate subject, and as such, we do advise parental discretion in viewing. It should be noted that sex education is preferable to sexual ignorance. And if you remove the children from the room, they’ll probably turn out as screwed up as you are.
Let’s move on to our first question: “How many times a week should a couple have sex if they’ve been married for 8 years?”
a) 4 Times
b) 8 Times
c) 16 Times
B — 8 Times is correct. [ ding ]
“How many times a week should a couple have se if they’ve been married 16 years?”
a) 4 Times
b) 8 Times
c) 16 Times
C — 16 Times. [ ding ] Very surprising. Yes, you should have sex as many times each week as the number of years in your marriage. Which is why the average marriage lasts only 15 years.
“In sex, does it matter if the woman is not satisfied — Yes or No?”
The answer… is “No.” [ ding ] Dr. Candice Brightman, of UCLA?
Dr. Candice Brightman: Uh — this has been a source of confusion for many years, but we know that it is perfectly normal for a man not to care about a woman’s pleasure, just so long as he drains the lizard. Uh — this does not mean that a man shouldn’t feel bad later, and, uh, go out and buy his mate a nice gift.[ return to Richard Dreyfuss ]
Richard Dreyfuss: “How many climaxes are in a woman’s multiple climax?”
a) 2 to 5
b) 12 to 16
c) Hundreds and Hundreds
d) An infinite number
The answer… is C. [ ding ] Hundreds and Hundreds. Dr. Judd Quimson, Sociology Advisor to Penthouse Magazine.[ cut to Dr. Judd Quimson ]
Dr. Judd Quimson: [ breathing heavily ] It’s a multiple! You know, it’s hundreds and hundreds! I mean, what’s the point, otherwise? If one of my girlfriends has, say, you know, only 30 climaxes… I feel like a real creep! I go out and buy her a nice gift.[ return to Richard Dreyfuss ]
Richard Dreyfuss: “The proper thing to say after a man’s premature climax is:
a) Wait ’til the girls hear about this
b) Can I get you anything else?
c) You selfish pork face now I’ll never be satisfied
C… is the correct answer! [ ding ] Here is Dr. Francine Shoes of the Yorkies Primate Research Center… to explain why.[ cut to Dr. Francine Shoes ]
Dr. Francine Shoes: When a man has a premature climax, he has a tendency to lie there like a beached whale. He can even fall asleep and forget that you had sex. But, by calling attention to the situation by yelling at him: “You selfish pork face! Now I’ll never be satisfied!”, he’ll roll over and become aware that you have needs, too. And he’ll probably go out and buy you a nice gift!
Richard Dreyfuss: “Who discovered genitalia?”
a) The Dutch
b) George Washington Carver
c) The Earl of Sandwich
B — George Washington Carver is the correct answer. [ ding ] Dr. Herbert Rice, author of “I’m Normal, You’re Normal”.[ cut to Dr. Herbert Rice ]
Dr. Herbert Rice: Uh — genitalia have their origin in the fertile crescent in Africa. BUT — it wasn’t until the late 19th Century that, uh, they were discovered by George Washington Carver, the man who did more with the peanut than any man in history.[ return to Richard Dreyfuss ]
Richard Dreyfuss: “What is the Latin plural of coius interruptus?”
a) Coiti interrupti
b) Coitus interruptibus
c) Coiti interruptarum
d) In coitus maximus
or e) None of the above
None! [ ding ] The correct plural of Coitus Interruptus is… Twins.
That’s all the time we have for tonight’s Sex Test, I hope you found it helpful. I’ve got a date… [ he reaches down ] and, fortunately, I have a nice gift, too! [ he holds up a wrapped gift ] Thank you and good night![ dissolve to title card ] [ dissolve to audience wide shot, zoom in on woman with SUPER: “Shouts Obscenities at House Plants” ] [ fade ]