Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 3: Episode 19
Weekend Update with Jane Curtin & Dan Aykroyd
Elliot Garfield…John Belushi
Paula McFadden…Gilda Radner
Roseanne Roseannadanna…Gilda Radner
[Open on Weekend Update desk as theme plays]
Don Pardo: And now, Weekend Update with the Weekend Update news team. Brought to you by Kierke Guard, the deodorant for sweaty, Danish philosophers. Here are anchorpersons Jane Curtin and Dan Aykroyd.[Cut to Dan]
Dan Aykroyd: Good evening, I’m Dan Aykroyd.[Cut to Jane]
Jane Curtin: And I’m Jane Curtin. Before we start, I’d like to take a moment to respond to some mail that we’ve received. Many of you have explained at times that I act in less than a professional manner. You say I become bitchy and lose my cool, hollering at Emily Litella or John Belushi or Roseanne Roseannadanna. You’re probably right. I do have some things that have been bothering [me] lately. Uh, my mother has Legionnaire’s Disease, but still, there is no reason letting my personal life interfere with my job as a responsible journalist, and I apologize. Never again will you see me lose my dignity by overreacting to any of my fellow correspondents, no matter how feeble they may be. [Raises her right hand] That’s a promise.[Cut to Dan]
Dan Aykroyd: [nodding] Very well put, Jane. I’m, ah, sorry to hear about your mom. I was wondering why you were so cranky. I thought maybe you might be going through menopause.[Audience laughter. Cut to Jane]
Jane Curtin: [smiling] No. Our top story tonight:
According to doctors at McGill University in Montreal, a substance called gum tragacanth, a thickening agent found in McDonald’s hamburger sauce — if you’re allergic to it — can cause itching, abdominal pain, a shortness of breath, a hives-like swelling of face, arms and trunk, and breathing difficulty due to a swollen larynx. A spokesman for McDonald’s reportedly commented “We do it all for you.”
The Environmental Protection Agency has ordered the American Motors Corporation to recall its entire output of 1976 cars due to a faulty pollution-control system. The offending devices have been snapped up by New York City slumlords, who will install them as air conditioners in substandard housing.
Dan Aykroyd: [clears his throat] The Treasury has just released the new metric conversion terms for American Federal Reserve currency, which will come into effect in 1981. The dollar will still be called the dollar, but quarters will be called quart-dollars, dimes will be deca-dollars, nickels will be penta-dollars, and pennies will be called hi-how-do-ya-do’s. No explanation was given.
Jane Curtin: And now, with this week’s review, here’s stargazer Bill Murray. Bill?[Camera pans over to Bill Murray as audience applauds]
Bill Murray: Thank you, Jane. Well, just like all the other critics in this country, I gave my Oscar predictions the week before the Academy Awards. But unlike all those other critics, tonight I’m here to ‘fess up on just how badly I did. Uh, pretty damn badly, I’m afraid. Other than Diane Keaton’s nod for Best Actress, the party animal here completely struck out. Not that I wasn’t pleased to see the Wood-man snag a couple. Hey, class move not to show up, Wood-man, I loved it. I was just surprised that Hollywood had the good sense to give ’em to him. But I must say I was disappointed by the Best Actor selection. Like so many people around this show, I expected Richard Burton to take it for what I understand was a superb performance in Equus. Uh, when Richard Dreyfuss won, I asked Warner Brothers to send over a clip to see if I was wrong. Here’s a clip, Goodbye Girl. Can we show it, please?[Cut to clip labeled “The Goodbye Girl.” Instead of Richard Dreyfuss and Marsha Mason, the clip features John Belushi and Gilda Radner portraying the film’s main characters, Elliot Garfield and Paula McFadden]
Elliot Garfield: By the way, I sleep in the nude, naked, au naturel, ah-buffo! Them’s my rules, and that’s the way it’s gonna be! [breathes deeply] And another thing, [removes panties from the shower curtain rod] I don’t…like…the panties…hanging…on…the rod! [Hands the panties to Paula as the camera zooms in to a close-up of her face] [Cut to different scene from the movie]
Elliot Garfield: What do you know? You’re ten years old. Three more years you wanna drive or then you burrrrn.[Cut to bathroom, where Paula is finishing washing her face. As she turns to leave, Elliot hands her a towel and kisses her]
Paula McFadden: Don’t you ever do that again! [Turns around to dry her face with the towel]
Elliot Garfield: Ooo, your lips say “no-no-no,” but your eyes say “yes-yes-yes”! [Elliot kisses Paula on the back of the shoulder. Scene freezes. Dissolve back to Bill Murray as audience applauds]
Bill Murray: Uh, I’m sorry, but to all my good friends at the Academy, I still have to say uh-uh, no, no way. Richard, Drey, we have seen these movies before, all of them. This is the same Dreyfuss I saw in Jaws, American Graffiti and Duddy Kravitz. Well, actually, I didn’t see Graffiti and Kravitz, but this is what I heard, so…. Anyway, you are letting yourself slide, dude. You’re fat now! Disgustingly fat! Now get into shape or quit the business! Do you wanna do that, Richard? Diiiick? Lumpy, come on! All right, that’s the Richard I think I know. For those of you who don’t agree with me: I’m sorry, but that’s the way I feel. Now get outta here, ya knuckleheads, I mean it. Back to the original knucklehead, Jane, will you pass this on to Danny for me? [Bill gives Jane a noogie] You knucklehead! Pass it on! [applause]
Jane Curtin: [Smiles as Bill exits] Dan?[Cut to Dan in front of an image of a policeman grabbing a protester on the face]
Dan Aykroyd: Thank you. Last week in Houston, Texas, a disturbance broke out during a demonstration marking the death of a Mexican-American who died last year while in police custody. Houston officials laughed off the incident, advised rioters to do the same, and as seen here, sent police in to teach the Mexican-Americans how to smile. Jane?[Cut to Jane]
Jane Curtin: This week, the Air Force reported two UFOs off the coast of Florida. Here to comment further on this phenomenon is correspondent Roseanne Roseannadanna.[Applause as the camera pans over to Roseanne]
Roseanne Roseannadanna: Thanks, Jane. Mr. Richard Feder of Fort Lee, New Jersey, writes in and says: “Dear Roseanne Roseannadanna, Do you believe in UFOs? Have you ever seen a UFO? Have you had a contact with a UFO? Have you ever been beyond and back? Did you see Star Wars? Do you believe that we are not alone?” Mr. Feder, you ask a lotta questions for someone from New Jersey. But I know what you’re askin’ because once, I, Roseanne Roseannadanna, saw somethin’ that drove me crazy! It was a hot and clammy summer night, and I was sittin’ alone in my apartment. And I said to myself “Roseanne Roseannadanna, what you need is a ride in the country.” So, I got in my car and I start drivin’. And I love to drive, ’cause my car got an FM radio that I sing with. And I don’t wanna brag, but when I sing in my car, I sound just like Connie Francis! Well, it’s around ten o’clock at night. I didn’t know it, but off to the side of the road, there’s this drive-in movie theater, and they were showin’ this X-rated French movie called Le Sex Shop. And I was just ridin’ along, singin’ a song when all of a sudden, peekin’ through the trees, I saw the world’s biggest buttocks! Two big cheeks that was bouncin’ over the expressway. I thought I was gonna die! There it was in living color, a rectal eclipse! And underneath, there was words, you know, like, ah, subtitles? And this backside is talkin’ to me, sayin’ “Do you love me? I love you. Can you touch me, please. Hold me closer, darlin’. Kiss me, my honeybear.” I couldn’t believe it! Jane, tell me, did a rear end ever talk to you?
Jane Curtin: [Forcing herself to smile and remain calm] No, I-I don’t believe one ever has, Roseanne.
Roseanne Roseannadanna: Boy, you sure are in a good mood today.
Jane Curtin: Yes I am, Roseanne.
Roseanne Roseannadanna: Well good, because, you know, Jane, you know what really makes me sick? Did you ever, like, get a little piece o’ stuff, like, in the corner of your eye, you know, and you take it out and go “What is this? Did this come outta me, you know? Where am I gonna put it?” Then you start–you just start rollin’ it around and rollin’ it around, rollin’ around your finger and you think “Where am I gonna put it?” You think “Where am I gonna put it?” And then, it doesn’t matter where you’re gonna put it ’cause when you look it disappears! [Looking at Jane] Where does that thing go?
Jane Curtin: I’m sorry, I don’t know, Roseanne.
Roseanne Roseannadanna: [pointing to Jane’s eyes] Well, you better start thinkin’ about it ’cause you got a little piece o’ stuff right there. [Roseanne puts her arm around Jane] You know, Jane, I never noticed this, but, you know, you got a little moustache right there! Yeah, look at Jane, got a cute little tiny soft baby moustache right all blonde and cute and everything. [Jane starts to get annoyed] You know, you better not shave that ’cause it’ll grow back all black and thick and everything, okay?
Jane Curtin: Thank you, Roseanne.
Roseanne Roseannadanna: Aw, you’re welcome. You’re real wel–you know, you’re a very, very pretty girl. Very pretty. You know, I want you to tell me somethin’ just between you an’ me, Roseanne Roseannadanna, [pointing to Jane’s breasts] are both o’ your things the same size?
Jane Curtin: [Rips open her shirt to reveal her bra] CHECK FOR YOURSELF, ROSEANNE! [Roseanne puts her head in her hands as Jane recloses her shirt] I prom-I promised myself and my audience…that I wouldn’t lower myself to a level of the likes of you. Rectal eclipses, stuff that disappear when you put it in your fingers. I tried to contain myself when you took me apart piece by piece in front of millions of people. But I guess I’m just not that strong.
Roseanne Roseannadanna: Well, Jane, it just goes ta show ya, it’s always something. And you know something? I thought you were a lot bigger than that. [Jane gasps and puts her head in her hands] Good night, have a pleasant tomorrow![Applause. Weekend Update theme plays. Roseanne waves. Dan tries to comfort Jane as she cringes. Fade]
Submitted by: John Ravetti