Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 3: Episode 20
The Franken & Davis Show
[ open on animated title sequence ]
Announcer: It’s time for the Franken & Davis Show, starring Al Franken and Tom Davis. And now, here’s Al and Tom![ dissolve to Home Base, as bare-chested Al and Tom enter amid great audience applause ]
Al Franken: Good evening, ladies and gentlemen!
Tom Davis: You know, uh — we’ve had so many requests for our Sumo Wrestler piece that, tonight, we just had to do it again! But, first — we’d like to introduce some VERY important people in the audience.
Al Franken: You know, there’s an old saying that behind every successful man… you’ll find a woman! And Tom and I are certainly no exceptions. So, tonight, ladies and gentlemen… I’d like you all to meet my lovely wife Darlene. She’s up there. [ he points toward the balcony ] Davey? Davey, can we get a shot of her? [ cut to shot of woman seated in balcony ] There she is! She’s over there! Ladies and gentlemen, my lovely wife Darlene! [ the audience applauds as Darlene smiles graciously ] And sitting next to her, is our son Al, Jr. [ camera pans over to a child-sized version of Al Franken ] Al, Jr. is nine years old, and he’s already in the Second Grade! And, sitting next to Al, Jr., ladies and gentlemen — Suzanne, the girl Tom lives with! [ camera pans over to a blonde woman, as the audience applauds her beauty ]
Tom Davis: [ seriously ] Al? Al, I can’t — I can’t live this lie any longer, ladies and gentlemen. Al just introduced his family and the girl I supposedly live with, to present a facade.
Al Franken: Tom…
Tom Davis: No! With all the Anita Bryant stuff going on… with all the DEFEAT of gay rights all across the United States, some people have to stand up and be counted! I think we should…
Al Franken: No, no…
Tom Davis: No, the truth of the — I mean it! The truth of the matter is: Al and I are homosexual lovers! I’d like to get that out.
Al Franken: DAMMIT, TOM!! Dammit!
Tom Davis: Al, listen — it was gonna come out sooner or later… I just thought it would be the best thing — RIGHT NOW!
Al Franken: [ nervously ] Ladies and gentlemen, uh — Tom is just joking! [ laughing ] This is part… of the routine!
Tom Davis: This is NOT a part of our routine, ladies and gentlemen. This is NOT a joke. Al and I are homosexual lovers, and we are PROUD of it! Both of us! I’d just like to say that. And, uh —
Al Franken: [ miffed ] Tom… how could you do that to us? In front of everybody… ESPECIALLY in front of my WIFE and KID! How can you do…?
Tom Davis: [ stunned ] Well, don’t they know?
Al Franken: No, they don’t know! NO! [ he hangs his head ] In front of all these people! And all the MILLIONS of people at home!
Tom Davis: That’s… that’s EXACTLY my point, Al! I — I — I wanted to make this announcement tonight… and… and… and these people are with you. They like you, they respect you… I think, in fact, they probably respect you MORE. Ladies and gentelmen, don’t you respect Al more now that you know? Now that you know…[ the audience boos wildly ]
Tom Davis: Now that…
Al Franken: [ aggravated ] You — you see?! You see?!
Voice of Al, Jr.: I HATE YOU, DADDY!! I HATE YOU!! I HATE YOU!![ cut to Al, Jr. standing in the audience ]
Al, Jr.: I HATE YOU, DADDY!! I HATE YOU!! I HATE YOU!!
Voice of Al, Jr.: [ trailing off ] I HATE YOU, DADDY!! I HATE YOU!!
Al Franken: [ to Tom ] You see? Not only you ruined MY life…. but you ruined little Al, Jr.’s, too!
Tom Davis: [ calmly ] Al… you’re taking this…
Al Franken: [ furiously ] YOU’RE GONNA BE SORRY YOU DID THIS, TOM!!!
Tom Davis: You’re taking this the wrong way…
Al Franken: [ shoving Tom ] YOU’RE GONNA BE SORRY YOU DID THIS!! I’M GONNA MAKE YOU SORRY YOU DID THIS!!
Tom Davis: Come on! Let’s just do the Sumo…
Al Franken:[ shoving Tom ] YOU’RE GONNA BE SORRY, TOM!! I’m GONNA MAKE YOU SORRY [ he runs behind the stage curtain ]
Tom Davis: Oh, stop the theatrics! Come back here! [ to the audience ] I’m so sorry — [ to Al, behind the curtain ] Al, come here! Put that gun down! Don’t put that gun to your head![ a gunshot fires off, and Al’s body drops behind the curtain as his leg dangles outward ] [ Tom returns to face the audience ]
Tom Davis: [ sullen ] Uh… well, that’s the end of the show… Good night, everybody…[ dissolve to title card ]
Announcer: The Franken & Davis Show is brought to you by… [ ad card appears ] The Communist Party of America. Working for a BETTER tomorrow! And, now — here’s Al and Tom!
Al Franken: Just kidding, everybody!
Tom Davis: He didn’t really shoot himself!
Al Franken: Good night, everybody!
Tom Davis: Good night![ dissolve to audience wide shot, zoom in on man with SUPER: “Can’t Keep Anything Down” ] [ fade ]