Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 3: Episode 20
More Insects To Worry About
Joan Face…..Jane Curtin
Dr. Russell Bedanza…..Buck Henry
Joan Face: Good evening, and welcome to “More Insects to Worry About”. I’m your host — Joan Face. Tonight’s guest is one of the country’s leading entymologists — Dr. Russell Bedanza.
Dr. Russell Bedanza: It’s very, very nice to be here, Miss Face. I LOVE your show! For me, it’s the omly thing on television worth watching.
Joan Face: Oh, thank you, Dr. Bedanza! You’ve devoted your life to insects — cataloging them, photographing them, even living amongst them as an insect. Now, I ask this of everyone who comes on this show, and if you had to pick one insect out of the whole insect kingdom, that was the biggest threat to the survival of the human species… what would that insect be?
Dr. Russell Bedanza: Oh, boy! [ he laughs heartily ] Whoo-hoo-hoo! That’s a tough one! I hate to single one out, when they’re are SO many! Uh — let’s see. There is, of course, the mucus-flinging lawn faggot… uh, MAGGOT! Sorry! UH — the, uh — the common crotch wasp, a tricky little devil… and, uh, the whooping slug.
Joan Face: [ excited ] Oh! Aren’t they the ones that fasten themselves to human eyeball and just suck like there’s no tomorrow?
Dr. Russell Bedanza: Exactly! They’re a real nusiance, Miss Face. You actually have to steam them off. But, for a real nightmare insect — make mine the Bedanza Mite.
Joan Face: The Bedanza Mite? Named after you?
Dr. Russell Bedanza: No — I’m named after it.
Joan Face: Well, what makes the Bedanza Mite such a threat?
Dr. Russell Bedanza: Well… they’re a burrowing mite. His favorite habitat is the human brain. 80% of their body weight is in their mouth parts, so you can very well imagine how VORACIOUSLY they can tongue through that grey matter! [ he chuckles ] They make it look easy!
Joan Face: Well, how do they get in there? Do they gnaw their way through the skull?
Dr. Russell Bedanza: Well, they could if they wanted… but they seem to prefer natural openings, like the mouth, ears, nostrils, tear ducts — any aperature at all. They can’t walk by one without going in.
Joan Face: Well, what do they do once they’re in the brain.
Dr. Russell Bedanza: Ah! During they day, they excavate; during the night, they scavange — that is, they go out and look for interesting things to bring back inside.
Joan Face: What sort of things?
Dr. Russell Bedanza: Oh, whatever’s close at hand. Usually, things found on the host’s night table: loose change, ticket stubs, breath mints…
Joan Face: Generally, small things?
Dr. Russell Bedanza: Ah, you would be surprised, Miss Face, what these mites can pack into a hollowed-out human cranium. Now, autopsies have turned up car keys, checkbooks, jars of cold cream, and — once — a paperback copy of “Shogun”. It’s incredible. It seems like the worst victims sleep with their mouthes or their legs open.
Joan Face: Why do they do it?
Dr. Russell Bedanza: For art, Miss Face. Don’t ask me why, but these insects fancy themselves as artists. To them, a collection of loose objects hung inside someone’s head is art.
Joan Face: They make art?
Dr. Russell Bedanza: Ah… well, they call it art. I’m an anthropologist, not an art critic. But I know what I like. FRankly, uh, I’ve got a four-year old at home who can do better than these insects.
Joan Face: So, you’re married?
Dr. Russell Bedanza: Well, no. Mrs. Bedanza passed away.
Joan Face: [ sullen ] Bedanza mite?
Dr. Russell Bedanza: Yes. Mrs. Bedanza was a mouth-breather. Things kept disappearing around the house, but we NEVER put two and two together, ’til, one day, they top of her head CAVED IN.
Joan Face: [ sympathetic ] I’m very sorry…
Dr. Russell Bedanza: I kind of blame myself But back to mite art. You know, some of their work’s not altogether bad. There’s a colony of them out on the coast that are branching out into some new areas. I did catch a very interesting show of theirs that’s on Don Ho’s rear end.
Joan Face: [ excited ] What’s it like?
Dr. Russell Bedanza: Well, it’s very hard to describe. You’ve really got to see it for yourself. For instance, there’s this swizzle stick from Trader Vic’s…
Joan Face: Oh, no, no, no, no! Don’t spoil it for me! How long is it going to be going on?
Dr. Russell Bedanza: I think it’s on through June, then Don’s going back to Hawaii and he’ll probably bring the exhibit back with him.
Joan Face: [ jotting it down ] Well, I’ll have to see…
Dr. Russell Bedanza: One thing — don’t go on a Sunday. The crowds are incredible, they go on for miles.
Joan Face: Thank you!
Dr. Russell Bedanza: [ slyly ] You know, I wouldn’t mind going seeing it again myself…
Joan Face: [ blushing ] Well, great! I’d like that very much. [ to the audience ] Well, that about wraps it up for tonight. Join me next week, when we’ll worry about Disco Lice. Thank you.
[ Joan quickly returns her attention to Dr. Bedenza, as the camera pans upward into the audience and zooms in on a woman with SUPER: “Flosses With A Friend” ]
[ fade ]