SNL Transcripts: Buck Henry: 05/20/78: The Olympia Cafe



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 3: Episode 20









77t: Buck Henry / Sun Ra

The Olympia Cafe

Written by: Don Novello

Sandy … Laraine Newman
George … Dan Aykroyd
Nico … Bill Murray
Pete Dionasopolis … John Belushi
Female Customer … Gilda Radner
Male Customer … Garrett Morris
Fussy Eater … Jane Curtin
Al … Buck Henry
Extra … Tom Schiller

[Burger patties sizzle on a grill. George, the cook,flips them with his spatula. We hear the sound ofplates clattering. Pull back to reveal The OlympiaRestaurant, a busy diner run by a Greek family. Sandy,the waitress, leans over the counter.]

Sandy: [yells to George, the cook] Cheeseburger!Cheeseburger! Cheeseburger!

George: Cheeseburger! Cheeseburger! Cheeseburger!

Sandy: [yells to Nico, the counterman] Three chip!Three Pepsi!

Nico: Three chip! Three Pepsi!

[The blustering, mustachioed owner, Pete Dionasopolis,approaches one of his regular customers who sits atthe counter.]

Pete: Okay, what are you gonna have, honey?

Female Customer: I think I’ll have the usual, Pete.

Pete: [yells to George, the cook] Cheeseburger!

George: Cheeseburger!

Pete: [yells to Nico] Chip!

Nico: Chip!

Pete: Pepsi!

Nico: Pepsi!

[Seated next to the female customer is a man reading anewspaper. He holds up his coffee cup.]

Male Customer: [to Pete] Hey, can I have a refill onthis coffee?

Pete: No.

Male Customer: Hey, man, I can’t have a refill ofcoffee, man?

Pete: Too late!

Female Customer: [helpfully, to the male customer] Uh,you should have asked for the refill while you werestill eating the cheeseburger. They don’t give refillswhen you’re done eating.

Male Customer: [annoyed, to Pete] Okay, I’ll pay forthe second cup of coffee.

Pete: No, go. Come on, I gotta have turnover! Come on,let’s go!

Male Customer: [off his newspaper] Hey, man, I justwanna read the article–

Pete: [yells] You wanna read, you go to library! Youwanna read? Get out of here!

Male Customer: [pays check] Okay! Okay!

Pete: Beat it! Come on!

[Male customer exits in a huff and Pete rings up thesale on his cash register as Sandy, the waitress,approaches the counter.]

Sandy: [yells to George, the cook] Cheeseburger!Cheeseburger!

George: Cheeseburger! Cheeseburger!

Sandy: [yells to Nico, the counterman] Two chip! TwoPepsi!

Nico: Two chip! Two Pepsi!

Pete: [to a fussy eater seated at the counter] Okay,what are you gonna have?

Fussy Eater: Um, I’ll have a fried egg sandwich.

Pete: Uh, no egg. Cheeseburger.

Fussy Eater: How do you cook your cheeseburgers?

Pete: Good.

Fussy Eater: No, I mean, in what manner are theycooked?

Pete: They are cooked good. What do you mean?

Sandy: [interrupts] Uh, Pete. That lamb in thebasement is loose again.

Pete: [annoyed] Aaahhhhh!

[Pete abruptly walks off, grabs a large hatchet offthe wall and, waving it ominously, exits the scenewith Sandy. Nico, the counterman who barelyunderstands a word of English, brings a Pepsi to anextra seated at the counter.]

Fussy Eater: [to Nico] Excuse me, do you just haveburgers here? [Nico doesn’t understand what she’ssaying but nods and smiles anyhow] Well, do you thinkI could get one broiled? [Nico keeps nodding andsmiling] I could? Aw, good. ‘Cause I just read anarticle that said that meat cooked on a grill causescancer. Did you read that?

Nico: Cheeseburger?

Fussy Eater: Yeah, cheeseburgers, too. It’s cookingthe meat too close to the flame that causes it.

Pete: [returns without the hatchet and shoos Nicoaway] Ah, come on, come on, let’s go, get out of here.[to fussy eater] What you gonna have?

Fussy Eater: Uh, I’ll have a broiled hamburger.

Pete: No hamburger. Cheeseburger.

Fussy Eater: Could I get it broiled?

Pete: [humors her] You want it broiled? Okay. Sure, wegive you broiled. All right?

Fussy Eater: Okay, I’ll have a broiled hamburger, well done.

Pete: [yells to George] Cheeseburger!

George: Cheeseburger!

[Al, a bespectacled man in a green uniform, enters thediner and sits at counter. Pete joins him.]

Al: Hello? Hey! How are ya? I’m Al fromRent-a-Doberman.

Pete: What?

Al: [distinctly] I’m from Lease-a-Doberman.

Pete: Ah! Eh?

Al: The guard dog company. Somebody here called, saidthey wanted to, uh, rent a guard dog.

Pete: How much?

Al: Well, it’s like I tried to tell ya on the phone,it depends on the type of dog you want, how many hoursper night you want him for. [looks around] I shouldthink a place like this, uh, would need only one dog.What time do you, uh – What time do you close?

Pete: Eleven o’clock.

Al: What time do you open?

Pete: Five.

Al: Hm. Well, we could drop a dog off at eleven, pickhim up at a quarter to five. But just remember, nobodycan come in here between those hours without gettinghis arm bit off.

Pete: All right. How much?

Al: Just a minute, I’ll figure it out. [takes pencilfrom behind ear and starts jotting numbers on a pad]

Pete: All right.

Female Customer: [concerned] Hey, uh, Pete, doesn’t,uh, Nico here sleep in the back? [points to Nico whohears his name mentioned and wonders what’s going on]

Al: [interrupts] Uh oh oh oh, wait a minute, wait aminute. Nobody’s gonna be able to sleep around nohungry Dobie. [laughs] We don’t feed ’em much, keeps’em perky. [goes back to figuring on his pad]

Pete: [considers this] All right. [explains to thefemale customer] Somebody broke in next door. I needprotection, you know?

Sandy: [also concerned] But, Pete, what about Nico?

Pete: Who’s afraid of him? I need protection. Dogs.

Sandy: [offended] You mean when the dog comes, you’regoing to fire Nico?

Pete: No. [decisively] Now!

Sandy: [disbelief] Oh! Who’s going to tell him he’s fired?

Pete: You. You tell him.

Sandy: No, not me. [raises a hand in protest and walks off]

Pete: [approaches his cook] Hey, George. Why don’t youtell him he’s fired?

George: No, no. Not me, Pete. Not me, Pete. [turnsback to the grill]

Pete: All right, all right. I’ll tell him. [to aconfused Nico] You fired! Goodbye! [tears the apronoff Nico and pushes him to the front door of thediner] Goodbye! Goodbye. [opens door and pushes Nicoout] You fired. Bye. Bye, bye, bye, bye.

[Pete shuts the door on Nico, then turns to Al who hasignored all this. Al quietly chews gum and makes noteson his pad. In the background, Nico’s forlorn faceappears outside the diner window watching Pete and Al talk:]

Pete: Hm?

Al: Huh?

Pete: How much?

Al: Fifty-five dollars a week.

Pete: Twenty.

Al: No, no. Fifty-five is the lowest I can charge you.We’d be making a special pick-up at that time of themorning. I–

Pete: [gestures to Nico and opens the door for him tocome back in] Come on.

[Confused, Nico enters the diner and Pete gives himback his apron.]

Al: Well, maybe there IS something I can do.

Pete: [abruptly takes the apron back from Nico andpushes him out the door again] All right, go. Out!

[Nico, thoroughly confused, exits willingly andresumes his place outside the diner window, peering inforlornly, as Pete listens to Al’s proposal.]

Al: Now, I got a couple of nine-month-old GermanShepherds I’m having some problems with. I’ll put themboth in here. I’ll only charge you forty-five dollars.

Pete: Twenty.

Al: [irritated] There’s no way I can put two dogs inhere for twenty dollars a week. It costs me that muchjust to feed ’em.

Pete: Uhhhh… Twenty-two.

Al: [exasperated] All right, look. I’m sorry.Forty-five is the absolute minimum price. If youchange your mind, here’s my card. [hands Pete abusiness card and exits the diner]

Pete: [with a jerk of his head, calls out] Nico! [Nicoenters hesitantly, unsure of Pete’s intentions] Comeon. Come on! [throws apron to Nico, both men return totheir places behind the counter] All right. [to femalecustomer who nods] Everything all right? [to fussyeater] Huh? You got it?

[Just then, George places a cheeseburger in front of fussy eater.]

Fussy Eater: [indignant, to Pete] Hey, wait. Thischeeseburger wasn’t broiled. I just saw him take itoff the grill.

Pete: [to fussy eater, trying to change the subject]What to drink?

Fussy Eater: [insistent] I ordered a broiledhamburger. This is not a broiled hamburger.

Pete: Okay, okay, what do you want to drink? Come on,come on, come on.

Fussy Eater: I’m afraid if I order a Coke, I’ll get a Pepsi.

Pete: No Coke. Pepsi.

Fussy Eater: [upset] Okay! Pepsi!

Pete: [yells to Nico] Pepsi! [But Nico isn’t payingattention] Pepsiiiiii! [still no response, Pete grabsa menu from the counter and starts whacking Nico withit] Pepsi! Pepsi! Pepsi! Pepsi!

Nico: [wearily] Pepsi…

Sandy: [yells to George] Cheeseburger! Cheeseburger!Cheeseburger! Cheeseburger!

George: Cheeseburger! Cheeseburger! Cheeseburger!Cheeseburger!

Sandy: [yells to Nico] Three chip! Three Pepsi!

[Applause. Zoom in on the grill as George throws downa series of burger patties.]

[pull out to studio wide shot, with SUPER: “coming up next… The Double Entendre New Testament”]

[fade]

Submitted Anonymously

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