Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 3: Episode 20
Director (“Bri”)…..Bill Murray
[ open on a film set, decorated like a suburban living room. Tommy stands off to one side as the Director enters ]
Director: Tommy? Get me out of here in a hurry, okay? I want to get out to the track! [ to Cheryl ] Okay! Cheryl! Sweetheart! Let’s have you here! [ Cheryl steps up ] Okay, Kitten — in this scene, you’re the spoiled little girl, okay? Every time you get a new toy, you either break it or throw it away — or get bored with it right away, okay?
Director: Okay. And you’re the same way with your little puppy, alright? You wanted it, you promised to take care of it, but then it was too much work, okay?
Cheryl: How old am I supposed to be?
Director: Uh, ten years old, okay?
Cheryl: I’m TWELVE?
Director: Okay… [ he squooshes her face ] but do you think you could play a spoiled little ten year old?!
Cheryl: [ muffled ] I think so…!
Director: Good! Isn’t she a little pill, everybody? Great! [ he releases her face ] Okay! Now, Gwen, please, may I have you? [ Gwen steps up ] In this scene, you’re the permissive mother, okay? You let your daughter get away with EVERYTHING, alright?
Gwen: Oh! Sounds like my own home! [ she laughs ]
Director: [ mock-laughing ] Terrific, honey. Howard, where are you?
Howard: Yes, yes, yes! [ he runs up ]
Director: Come here you, my psychotic father of this scene! Alright! Okay. You’re psychotic…
Howard: Yes, yes!
Director: You hate your wife…
Director: The only reason the marriage is still together is because of the little one.
Director: And you hate her.
Director: Because she’s spoiled.
Director: So who do you take it out on? The defenseless little puppy.
Howard: Gotcha, right!
Director: I knew you would! [ he rubs Howard’s head ] Come on! Right! Okay, let’s bring in…?
Roy: [ carrying puppy ] Roy.
Director: Roy! Alright, good to meet ya’, fellow! [ he rubs Roy’s head ] Okay, terrific! How is Sparky today? [ to Sparky ] Hey, fella! [ he composes himself ] Now, Roy… in this scene, I want Sparky to play the helpless, unloved puppy. No one’s taking care of him, no one’s training him…
Director: He’s confused, he’s nervous. So… he takes a doo doo on the rug. Can Sparky do that?
Roy: He sure can! Now, you heard the man, Sparky! When I do this… [ he holds up two fingers ] You make doo doo on the rug, okay?
Director: Ahhh, thatta boy! Thanks, Roy, you’re amazing! OKay, places, everybody, please! Tommy, come in here and do me a favor! [ Tommy enters with clapper ] Will you roll ’em for me? [ he steps aside ] Slate it, Tommy!
Tommy: “Animal Abuse”, Scene 3, Take 1! [ he claps the clapper and steps aside ]
Director: Alright, settle in! [ the domestic scene focuses ] And… ACTION!
[ the little girl plays with the puppy on the floor, as her parents sit behind her on the sofa ]
Howard: Marilyn? I thought I told you NOT to bring the dog into the living room?!
Cheryl: Ohhh, please?
Howard: No! I don’t want it on the new carpet! Now, take it out!
Gwen: Ohhhh, let her keep it in here, it’ll be okay.
[ offstage, Roy holds up two fingers, as Sparky whines and takes a doo doo ]
Cheryl: Uh-oh! Dad! Look what the dog did!
Howard: [ irked ] Okay, Marilyn! YOU clean it up!
Cheryl: I don’t wanna!
Howard: Now, listen! You PROMISED me that you would take care of that stupid dog! Now you CLEAN IT UP!!
Gwen: She’s only ten years old! You CAN’T expect her to clean it up!
Howard: Alright, then — YOU clean it up! The dog was YOUR idea!
Gwen: I can’t! I vomit!
Howard: [ he throws his newspaper down ] Okay, I suppose I’LL have to clean up after it again! THIS IS IT!! I’m getting RID of this damn dog!!
Cheryl: Well, I don’t care!! ‘Cause I don’t WANT it any more, anyway! [ she storms out of the room ]
Gwen: Now you’ve upset her! Marilyn, honey![ she runs after her daughter ]
Howard: [ picking up the dog ] This is just unbelievable! I don’t know WHAT to do! [ the dog doo doos in his hands ] What?! You stupid MUTT! You’re doing it again! No! No! I said stop it! Stop it! STOP IT!! [ he raises the dog over his head and freezes ]
[ Roy rushes forward and retrieves the puppy from Howard’s hands ]
Director: Okay, bring in the stunt puppy!
[ Roy rushes the puppy to safety ]
Director: Okay, that was very sweet. Very tasty, Howard.
Director: Thank you. Appreciate it. [ as Roy returns with the stunt puppy ] What have we got here? Perfect match! Must be from the same littler.
Roy: Yeah! This, uh — this is, uh, Tippy!
Director: [ to Tippy ] Heyyyy, Tippy! Mr. Tough Guy, huh? How are ya’! [ he grabs the dog’s paw ] Okay, Tipster… Brian, here, is gonna throw you around a little bit. And, when he does, I want you to squeal. Can we hear a squeal?
Roy: Oh, sure!
[ sound effect of a dog squealing over close-up of the puppy ]
Director: Beautiful! Tippy, how are your ears? Are they strong?
Roy: Oh, sure! He’s got strong ears, strong tail — you can do ANYTHING to him!
[ no one is more excited to hear this than Howard ]
Director: Great! Terrific! Okay, places, everybody! Tommy! I’m gonna FINE you a hundred dollars — and everyone on my set — for not noticing my new haircut! [ he gives Tommy a noogie and laughs ] Now, get outta here, all of you! Okay! Would you please do mr a favor, and slate it for me, Tommy?
Tommy: “Animal Abuse”, Scene 4, Take 1! [ he claps the clapper and steps aside ]
[ scene resumes with Howard kneeling next to the puppy at the couch ]
Director: Start whimpering, Tippy! [ the puppy begins to whimper ] And ACTION!!
Howard: CUT IT OUT, CUT IT OUT!! [ he grabs the puppy’s leash and yanks him in a circle around the living room ] I said STOP IT!! [ he kicks the puppy across the room and lets it ricchochet back from the leash ] I said STOP IT, STOP IT, STOP IT!! [ he begins to throw the puppy at the furniture, never letting go of the leash ] STOP IT!! [ with one final twirl of the leash, he throws the puppy hrough the front window, shattering the glass ]
Director: Cuuuutt! Cuuuut! Beautiful, Howard! Beautiful!
Howard: Thanks, everybody! Thank you!
Director: [ toward the window ] Heyyyyy! How’s Tippy back there? Can we get somebody to go check on Tippy?
[ Roy passes behind the set and holds the puppy up ]
Roy: He’s alright!
Director: Ahhhh, that’s a pal, huh? Come here, big guy! [ he scoops the puppy into his arms ] Oh, that was terrific, fella! Hey — I want to work with you again! That’s a promise! That’s a wrap, everybody! Let’s get some sleep. Eight o’clock tomorrow, for the cockfight.
Howard: Brian! Terrific!
[ they shake hands, as the scene fades ]