Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 3: Episode 4
Joan Face…..Jane Curtin
Irwin Mainway…..Dan Aykroyd
Joan Face: Good evening. I’m Joan Face, welcome to “Consumer Probe”.Well, Monday night on All Hallow’s Eve, there’ll be a lot of witches, ghostsand goblins roaming the streets trying to give us all a traditional Halloweenfright. But what really frightens us here at “Consumer Probe” is theincreasing number of injuries, and even fatalities, caused each year byunsafe Halloween costumes for children. For instance.. [ holds up plasticskeleton costume ] ..this little skeleton costume looks cute and harmless,but in fact it’s coated by a highly flammable paint.[ cut to full shot, showing Irwin Mainway seated to Joan’s right ]
My guest tonight is Mr. Irwin Mainway, President of Mainway Novelties, andChairman of the Board of Mainway Latex Corporation. Mr. Mainway, you areclearly the main flagrant offender in this area. For instance, your companymanufactures and distributes this Halloween costume.. [ picks it upand holds it ] ..Johnny Space Commander mask, which retails for $6.95. It’snothing more than a plastic bag and a rubber band. This is verydangerous for young children!
Irwin Mainway: [ grabs the costume ] Okay, I’m gonna say somethingabout my product right here, Johnny Space Commander mask. I want to say,first of all, it’s a very fluid item, in terms of sales. I don’t know,Miss Face, if you’re familiar with the movie “Star Wars”? Well, this moviehas generated a tremendous amount of popularity and enthusiasm about spaceand science fiction. [ rips open the costume packaging ] This Johnny SpaceCommander mask here is a pure fantasy toy. I mean, you know, kids can havea lot of fun with a toy like this, you know? Let me show you.. [ puts theplastic bag over his head, then wraps the rubber band around it ] “Hello,hello, this is Johnny Space Commander. I’m in deep space, I’m gonna landthe rocket now!” You see what I mean? [ takes off the plastic bag ] Yousee what I mean? It’s a pure fantasy toy!
Joan Face: Alright, Mr. Mainway, if you don’t think that was unsafe,how about this Halloween costume, which you market under the label”Invisible Pedestrian”? [ holds up the costume ] It’s an all blacksuit, gloves and mask. Now, it seems to me, Mr. Mainway, a childwearing this costume at night to go trick-or-treating is in grave dangerof being hit by a car!
Irwin Mainway: Car? What do you mean “car”, Miss Face? I mean, acar is a pretty big object, right? I mean, kids are smart today, you know?They know when a car is coming at ’em to jump out of the way. I mean, mostof the kids I know go trick-or-treating at houses, right? You don’tsee too many kids walking along the expressway knocking on windshieldslooking for treats. This is a “sidewalk” costume!
Joan Face: A “sidewalk” costume?
Irwin Mainway: Yeah! I mean, you know, we don’t recommend this forblind kids. See, there’s a warning right on the label – “InvisiblePedestrian, Not For Blind Kids.” [ turns packaging around to show thiswarning in big bold letters ] Huh?
Joan Face: Alright, Mr. Mainway. But surely even you cansee the danger in this next costume, which you call Johnny Combat ActionCostume. This is an actual working rifle!
Irwin Mainway: An M-1, yeah.
Joan Face: I mean, this is a deadly weapon, and you’reselling it to children!
Irwin Mainway: The ammo’s not included. I mean, this is a verypopular item, you know? Give the kid a little something extra! Fieldglasses, a little helmet there, the gun, you know, it makes ’em feel likea real general! I mean, this product is very popular in Texas and Detroit!
Joan Face: What about this? [ holds up new costume ] JohnnyHuman Torch? It’s a bag of oily rags and a lighter!
Irwin Mainway: This happens to be a favorite of mine, because it’s alow-price Halloween costume. [ tears it open ] It’s really one of the moreexciting ones. You take the rags, you just pin ’em on there like a hobo,you know? And then flame on, lights up the night! It’s a beautifulcostume, I think.
Joan Face: Mr. Mainway, I am shocked at your irresponsibleattitude! I think we can all see that your Halloween costumes are unsafeand should rightfully be banned from the market!
Irwin Mainway: Now, wait a second, hold it! You’re picking on thesebecause you’re saying these costumes are unsafe! Well, I’m gonna tell yousomething – any item of clothing can be proven unsafe! Anything!What you’re wearing, what I’m wearing! I’ve got this tie on -nice tie, nice thin tie.. alright, I’m driving along in my convertible, anice gust of wind comes up.. [ he lifts his tie, shoves it into his face andfeigns choking ] I could choke to death, you know? I mean, really! Icould put it in my mouth – I could swallow my whole shirt!
Joan Face: Mr. Mainway? You are a very sleazy man. [ turns to thecamera ] I’m afraid that’s all the time we have..
Irwin Mainway: Hold on, hold on! You see this jacket here?[ removes his jacket ] This is a rayon-polyester jacket..
Joan Face: ..tune in next week. Have a happy and safe Halloween.
Irwin Mainway: ..I’ll show you something, this could go up in flamesjust like that! [ lights his jacket on fire, as the flames rise ]Look at that! Look at that![ show fades black, as Mainway jumps in front of the camera ]