Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 4: Episode 1
Mayor Koch Honors John Belushi
Don Pardo: Ladies and gentlemen, the mayor of the cityof New York — Ed Koch!
Mayor Ed Koch: [Applause continues as Koch, in a suit andtie, enters and walks to center stage. He basks in theapplause until the music ends, then stretches his armsand says:] How’m I doin’?! [Applause. Cheers.] I’mdelighted to be here to, uh, welcome Saturday NightLive back to New York. This is the fourth season andwe want them to know how grateful we are that they’rehere in this great city. [Applause.] I’m on this showfor, really, two reasons. One is to speak to thenation. We here in New York want to tell those of youin other states how much we appreciate what you didfor us when we were down and out and needed your help– and you came through! We want to say to all ofthose of you out there: Thanks for the loan — youwon’t be sorry! [Applause. Cheers.] New York City is agreat place in which to live. We’re very lucky thoseof us who are here, but this city belongs to everybodyand we are going through a great renaissance. SaturdayNight is one reason for this renaissance — aninsignificant reason, but a reason nevertheless. Thepeople on this show, they could have chosen to goelsewhere but they came here, to New York City insteadof Pittsburgh, Denver, Newark… Some could probablyeven get work in Hollywood, which brings me to thesecond, and main, reason why I’m here tonight and thatis to officially honor a member of the Saturday Nightcast. He’s appeared off-Broadway here in New York andhe’s gone on to be one of the stars of this show andmost recently distinguished himself in the field ofmotion pictures. A great New Yorker — John Belushi![Applause. Cheers. Wearing sneakers, jeans, a suitcoat and tie, Belushi enters and joins Ed Koch. Theyshake hands.] John, your current film, Animal House,is, uh, breaking box office records in New York andacross the country and, as a resident of our city,you’ve helped to make it the vital, creative centerthat it is now. And on behalf of myself and the peopleof the city of New York, I’d like to present you witha City of New York Certificate of Merit. [Koch pullscertificate from inside jacket pocket, unfolds it, andpresents it to Belushi who takes it. Koch and theaudience applaud as Belushi looks it over.]
John Belushi: [tries not to show his disappointment]Thank you, uh, Mayor Koch. Uh… Uh, this is a greathonor. It’s, uh, a very nice Certificate of Merit,uh… I could, uh, put it on my wall. It’ll–[suddenly, in disbelief] Mr. Mayor, is this it? Thispiece of paper here? I mean, isn’t there a key to thecity of something? You know, I mean– Dolly Parton gota key to the city, remember?
Mayor Ed Koch: John, the key to the city is a different kindof honor.
John Belushi: Yeah, it’s a BIGGER honor. You know? Imean, uh… I lived here for six years, you know? Ablonde with a rack rolls in from Nashville and yougive her the key to the city. She’s lives in L.A. in atrailer! Was SHE in a movie? I mean, Animal House hasmade sixty million dollars, you know? [Applause.Cheers.] Sixty million dollars, you know? Does NewYork have SIXTY MILLION DOLLARS?! Sixty milliondollars for … Universal Studios! That’s right! Andyou know what I got out of it?! Nine hundred bucks!
Mayor Ed Koch: John, I’m just here to congratulate you…
John Belushi: Hold it, Ed! You know, I didn’t even geta, a, a point from the film. You know? I didn’t get apercentage of the profits! I got ZIP! Do you thinkthat’s fair?!
Mayor Ed Koch: No. And if it were up to me, you’d get apercentage.
John Belushi: Percentage of what? New York City? Comeon! What’s THAT worth? All you come up with is aCertificate of Merit! I got one of these in gradeschool! [crumples certificate and throws it on thefloor] I don’t need this!
Mayor Ed Koch: John, uh, fortunately, I just happen to haveanother Certificate of Merit. [pulls out another pieceof paper and offers it to Belushi]
John Belushi: Not now, Koch! You know, I didn’t haveto come back here. You know, I could’ve stayed inHollywood, you know, everyone told me, “Stay and makemovies! You know? You don’t have to go back there,where ya have to clean up after your own dog!” Youknow? And making films is so much easier. You know,they say, uh, “Are you ready, John?” Uh … “No, I’mnot ready right now.” “Okay. Uh, ten minutes?” I said,”Okay, maybe ten minutes.” “Would you like some moreiced tea, John?” “Yeah, okay, I’ll have some iced tea.Yeah, I’ll be ready in a second.” You know?! I couldhave stayed in Hollywood, taken all those big offers,had a house on Mulholland Drive, but nooooooooooooooo![Applause.] I gotta stay here, come back to New YorkCity, and work for these late night TV wages! Fourhundred and fifty bucks A SHOW! That’s how much weget! You know how much they get on Laverne andShirley?! Lenny and Squiggy get five grand a show!
Mayor Ed Koch: John! I wish you would just accept thecertificate.
John Belushi: [calmer] Okay. I’m sorry, Mayor. I’llaccept your thing here. [takes paper and carelesslystuffs it in his jacket pocket] Uh, look, uh, I-I-I’msorry, you know, I mean, this isn’t the place to talkabout how Universal screwed me. You know? So… It’sjust that I live here, I pay taxes, you know, Isweated out the Beame years, you know. [TRANSCRIBER’SNOTE: Abe Beame was mayor before Koch] I’m, uh, I’mnot saying that I’m the-the greatest actor, you know,uh, in the world. Or that Anima-Animal House is thegreatest film in the world but, you know, it’s a goodfilm. Very good film. [straightens his tie] I do somevery cute things in that movie. You know, like, uh,the thing with the Jell-O in the cafeteria line,remember that? Huh?
Mayor Ed Koch: I’m afraid I don’t, John.
John Belushi: Well, it was just before the mashedpotato thing. You remember that? Huh?
Mayor Ed Koch: No, John. Regrettably, I haven’t seen theflick.
John Belushi: [upset again] You HAVEN’T seen themovie?! [gestures to the pocket with his certificate]You give me this?! Are you kidding?!
Mayor Ed Koch: I’ve been very busy.
John Belushi: [pauses, suddenly reasonable] Look, doyou know where the Waverly Theater is?
Mayor Ed Koch: Sure I do. It’s six blocks from my house.
John Belushi: They’ve got a midnight show. [puts handon Koch’s shoulder] Did you have a hat or a coat orsomething?
Mayor Ed Koch: Coat.
John Belushi: Could somebody get the Mayor’s coat?![starts leading Koch away] Look, we’ll go downtown nowand catch it — it’s a good movie, you know? We’lltake a cab or something.
Mayor Ed Koch: Uh, bus, but I’d rather stay here.
John Belushi: We’ll take the bus. You wanna stay here?Well, we gotta take– see the movie. [to the camera]We’ll be right back! [Applause as Belushi and Kochexit.]